DH invited friends to stay without asking me

[BeepyBoo]

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

[KingdomScrolls]

Why do you need to shop for them? Just make sure you have basic bread, milk etc and leave some cash so they can treat themselves to takeaway as you're not paying for cat sitting. Other than that unless your house is a cess put, you need clean linen on a bed and some fresh towels. He can do that if you're so upset. I think he's actually solved the problem pretty well.
You seem a little uptight.

[BeepyBoo]

ComtesseDeSpair - Exactly. But I am married, with kids and kind of stuck. He's generally a nice bloke. But yeah, I'm mad.

I also don't want to feel like I'm his Mum telling him what needs to be done, because he SHOULD know and think about it himself.

[CockSpadget]

YANBU in the slightest. I would have gone batshit. I get he was trying to solve a problem, but to not run it by you first was not on.

[saraclara]

Why shop for them? It's only a weekend.

[saraclara]

(I'd be annoyed though)

[BeepyBoo]

KingdomScrolls - Cesspit is a bit far-fetched, but not that far off. Our bedroom, where they will stay is the worst, because I chuck stuff in there and close the door. Ooo, I wish I lived your simple life! I haven't unpacked the case we took on our last holiday yet, three weeks ago - I haven't had time. It's still on my bedroom floor. Honestly, life has been mental.

[shesellsseacats]

OP, I totally get it.

The people telling you you're uptight can do one.

If you're already totally strung out because you're doing too much, don't have a second to yourself AND doing all the mental load, it's the thoughtlessness of it.

It reminds me of this cartoon, You Should Have Asked.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Your immediate issue is the cat, the couple and your DH's approach to this situation.

But you have a much bigger problem with your DH in general and how too much is being put onto you. But I expect you know this.

[BeepyBoo]

Saraclara - stuff like handsoap on sinks, enough toilet paper, cleaning spray. Once you start looking, you realise you're running out of things. Cleaning the inside of my fridge! ....god, I could go on.

[KirstenBlest]

Could you take the kitten with you?

[BeepyBoo]

shesellsseacats - YES!!!! x

[LittleMissGlum]

@BeepyBoo I totally understand your frustration right now, and in your shoes I'd be very annoyed.
If the plans cannot be changed, think your husband needs to be the one organising/shopping/cleaning for said guests!

[TheCatterall]

@BeepyBoo

I'm sure I can get another cat visitor (don't need someone to stay in the house), there are lots around. It's the fact he asked people to stay without asking me, or considering the work it will require. I find it disrespectful. I would not organise something like this without even asking him. I literally don't have 20 mins downtime ATM. I can't even make a day or two space to prepare before we go.

Way to go timeisnotaline!

If you can get another cat sitter - super. Do it… then just thank the couple but say it’s sorted. It’s honestly not the end of the world. Yes he was a numpty but a well meaning numpty who is possibly too scared to try helping again after you’ve gone nuts at him. :/ Some blokes just don’t get it. They don’t get the planning, admin, arrangements etc behind the stuff that goes on with managing a home/family/manchild. I’m presuming his behaviour isn’t new to you so maybe find a better way of communicating your wishes to him so he knows and understands going forward.

[Cornishclio]

It sounds like you have a bigger problem than your DH inviting random people to stay to look after your cat if you really are so busy you still have a suitcase to be unpacked from 3 weeks ago. Doesn't it have dirty washing in it? Why couldn't your DH unpack it or tidy your bedroom? Surely it cannot be relaxing to sleep in a room which is untidy and presumably difficult to clean if you just chuck stuff in and do not tidy it?

I would take a good long hard look at all the jobs you take on and think whether they are really necessary or if someone (either your DH or a cleaner) could do some for you or put some sort of system in place to make your life easier. If you work almost full time and have kids with a busy social life then being organised and accepting help whether paid or by your partner is essential or you end up as stressed as you sound right now where a simple thing like cat sitters coming to solve your cat problem tips you over the edge.

[KirstenBlest]

Having a cat isn't conductive to making less work for yourself. How about I look after the kitten for you indefinitely?

[B1rthis]

I'm so annoyed for you! This is a crap situation from someone just half heartedly trying to help (not help, cause more problems and wrap it up as help!).
Can the kitten go to them? I can't think of any helpful ideas and even putting him under the patio makes a mess!!

[Nanny0gg]

@Kite22

If you're going to tell me to just leave my house as it is and let them stay, then don't bother.

So why ask us ?

You (as a couple) had a problem. He has solved it. Now you are raging at him

I agree with burritofan in the first reply and then ComtesseDeSpair - there is no need for you to be a martyr.

He hasn’t solved it at all. There aren’t that many houses that are permanently visitor ready let alone instantly suitable for guests to stay.

She isn’t being a martyr at all

[PurpleOkapi]

All this stuff you think absolutely must be done before anyone can stay? It sounds like he doesn't agree with you that it needs to be done. If he's fine with you doing nothing, then I don't think it's fair to blame him for all the extra work you're making for yourself.

[NumberTheory]

I agree with shesellsseacats that it sound like your DH isn't pulling his weight if you don't think he will do any thinking about what needs to happen for things to be fit for someone to house sit. But I also think you're setting yourself up a bit by having higher standards than him for how the house must be for his friends. Not totally, because this is the real world and women are judged more than men for the state of a house. But it's still within your gift to let that aspect of it go. And since they're his friends the impact on you of doing so will be minimal.

[Freddie28]

I find it strange that two people you barely know would even consider staying over in your home. I personally would have exploded. I maybe weird, but I'm not the sort of person who can relax if people turn up unannounced, let alone suddenly be told they would be sleeping in my house/bed and able to look through everything. I wouldn't enjoy going away. No you are not being unreasonable

[MsDogLady]

Beepy, I totally empathize.🙀 I would ask the vet’s office for a list of cat sitters and then cancel the strangers’ stay-over.

[ZaraCarmichaelshighheels]

@Freddie28

I find it strange that two people you barely know would even consider staying over in your home. I personally would have exploded. I maybe weird, but I'm not the sort of person who can relax if people turn up unannounced, let alone suddenly be told they would be sleeping in my house/bed and able to look through everything. I wouldn't enjoy going away. No you are not being unreasonable

Totally agree, just get you husband to cancel them, he can thank them for their offer but tell them you have sorted someone to look after the cat.

[WavesAndLeaves]

I had some sympathy with you until you mentioned cleaning the inside of the fridge. That's crazy. You definitely definitely definitely don't need to do that before people stay for a weekend. How much else are you doing that isn't necessary? I'm serious. It sounds like you need to prioritise, and lower your standards, because life doesn't need to be as hard as it sounds like you're making it

[SpindleWhorl]

What on earth does your DH actually do all day at home if he can't even sort out a suitcase from last time you went away? Or anything, really? Is he challenged?

[EccentricaGalumbits]

@BeepyBoo

Saraclara - stuff like handsoap on sinks, enough toilet paper, cleaning spray. Once you start looking, you realise you're running out of things. Cleaning the inside of my fridge! ....god, I could go on.

No, you really don't need to do all of that. The basic list posted earlier is plenty. Tidy up personal things. Clean sheets and towels, make sure bathroom, floors and kitchen look clean and tidy. A note re: cat care. And of course, change the bed, wash sheets and towels on returning.

Give that list to your DH now and tell him to get it done or call his friends to cancel.

Take some time this holiday to think and talk about the dynamic in your house. Your DH probably isn't hopeless at all, but you're helping perpetuate this idea that he is, and only you can do/fix everything, and it's making you miserable and stressed. Before he can step up, which he must, you need to let go a little.

[Rangoon]

Your husband is unreasonable. First, for you being almost wholly responsible for the clean up. Secondly, for not asking you. It's not much of a fun weekend away if you have tidy up the house before to visitor standard. And then you'll have to changes sheets and towels when you get back. It's the sort of harebrained thing really stupid men do thinking they are so clever.