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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

220 replies

HereHeGoes · 18/09/2021 14:42

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

OP posts:
DGFB · 18/09/2021 17:35

I’d also ignore him.

SunbathingDragon · 18/09/2021 17:40

The best response is to ignore him. Yanbu to go swimming or do anything else you want over the weekend.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 17:45

It would take me a lot not to text back with "yet you can't have her on your one court ordered day a fortnight 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣".

TempleofZoom · 18/09/2021 17:46

@Thingsdogetbetter

1. Don't bother replying. It just opens up a dialogue and that's what he's looking for. Do not be dragged into arguments. Don't bother defending yourself or having comebacks. It's not worth it. You'll never persuade him you're right cos that makes him wrong and he'll never ever accept that.
  1. Of course it's okay to go swimming! Are you expected to be with her 24/7 until she teaches 18.

I suspect he cancelled to fuck up your plans. It didn't and he's now throwing a control temper tantrum. Ignore. Only communicate about drop offs and pick ups. Grey rock will work a lot better than trying to 'win'.

This is great advice.
DixonD · 18/09/2021 17:49

@WoozySnoozy

I would just say "don't worry I left her with her aunt" and leave it at that. Then ask people to stop putting pictures of her on Facebook.
This. As tempting as it is, it’s best to be non-confrontational and as “little bothered” as possible.

And definitely stop the Facebook pictures. They can be sent to you directly if necessary.

SeaShoreGalore · 18/09/2021 18:00

Send a thumbs up emoji.

Thehop · 18/09/2021 18:03

Send only a thumbs up or laughing emoji if you need to reply at all. I personally wouldn’t dignify it with a response

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/09/2021 18:06

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life

Correct....

I've dealt with this before, completely ignore it. He wants a reaction and to draw you into an argument, don't fall for it!

HalzTangz · 18/09/2021 18:09

I would reply she's with family not a stranger, and as you cancelled at short notice I doubt any court would favour your custody plans, but please do feel free to waste your money and try

HalzTangz · 18/09/2021 18:11

Infact, what I would actually do is approach the court a he broke the court order

ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 18:17

So many PP saying send the thumbs-up emoji, I'm wondering why.

I understand that the effect it's meant to convey is derision & unbotheredness ... but in this specific situation, any response is the wrong response - because any response gives this tosser a sense of power over OP, & that's such a heady sensation for him that he won't resist the urge to keep badgering her.

& OP - I urge you once again to switch to co-parenting software as the ONLY platform you will communicate with him on -
www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/
"With OFW, your schedule, files, contacts, and communication are contained within one app, so you can solve shared custody challenges faster and without confusion. That means less conflict and more energy to focus on your children."

Mojoj · 18/09/2021 18:21

Why would you even respond?

HitMeWithYourRhythmicPrick · 18/09/2021 18:28

@Phineyj

Don't respond and ask the aunt and anyone else who looks after DD to WhatsApp pictures if they must take them, not put them on Facebook.
This. But I would request that nobody puts pictures of my children on any kind of social media, ever. Even my youngest, when she was 10, asked one of my best friends not to put photos of her on social media "because my mum won't like it".
PineNutsAreOverpriced · 18/09/2021 18:32

Totally ignore him. I know how hard it is to do but never explain, justify or defend anything to this man.

You’ll feel better for it in the long run, and he will not receive the attention he desperately craves.

What a twat.

I hope you had a lovely swim. Do you have any idea who the friends on your aunts Facebook page might be? She might like to delete them as people who share things like that - when they must already be aware of your situation- are not very pleasant.

Droite · 18/09/2021 18:38

I don' think OP should ignore this, he'll interpret silence as guilt. A simple response saying "XX is my aunt who DD knows very well" is fine.

TempleofZoom · 18/09/2021 18:44

@Droite

I don' think OP should ignore this, he'll interpret silence as guilt. A simple response saying "XX is my aunt who DD knows very well" is fine.
Ophas nothing to feel guilty about. He knows this and so does she. She doesnt need to answer to him and he is trying to create an argument. Do not reply
HitMeWithYourRhythmicPrick · 18/09/2021 18:45

@Droite

I don' think OP should ignore this, he'll interpret silence as guilt. A simple response saying "XX is my aunt who DD knows very well" is fine.
Who cares what he thinks? His opinion is of no interest to anyone, and the OP needs to internalise this.
ChargingBuck · 18/09/2021 18:46

@Droite

I don' think OP should ignore this, he'll interpret silence as guilt. A simple response saying "XX is my aunt who DD knows very well" is fine.
Which he will interpret as OP acknowledging his requirement for his 'permission' to be sought about who she chooses to spend time with her DD.

OP has nothing to feel guilty about, & Mr Angry & Controlling can interpret whatever the fuck he wants from a non-response. He will anyway, so there's no point fuelling his fire by allowing him to think that kicking off at OP gets him rewarded with 'explanations'. OP has nothing to explain.

BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 18:47

@WoozySnoozy

Eh? That’s terrible advice

Why is it terrible? It's acknowledged that as her father he might be worried that it was a stranger and reassures him it isn't. Whilst not getting annoyed back. I mean you don't have to say it was an aunt but I'd say it was a relative that often looks after her or something.

Someone that sees their child 48 hours in a month, really isn't in a position to 'worry' who a happy 7 year old is with & question the actual parent, doing the parenting!

@HereHeGoes

I hope you haven't replied, just ignore, he's just trying to control you & he's pissed that he can't!

No need to stop anyone posting on FB, he can take a long walk on a short pier if he doesn't like something.

Droite · 18/09/2021 18:48

Who cares what he thinks? His opinion is of no interest to anyone, and the OP needs to internalise this

The point is that he may seek to use it as evidence to support an application for more contact time. Whether it's nonsense or not, why give him the ammunition? How would a very simple factual response harm OP?

BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 18:50

@Droite

I don' think OP should ignore this, he'll interpret silence as guilt. A simple response saying "XX is my aunt who DD knows very well" is fine.
No, she doesn't need his approval or permission to decide who is suitable childcare & who isn't. He has her 48 hours in a month!! She's responsible the other almost 700 hours! He doesn't get to veto childcare.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/09/2021 18:51

@RaRaRabbit

IGNORE. He hates him cancelling didn't ruin any plans you had. Him not giving you a reason was also him begging for more attention, wanting you to continue a conversation, asking for a reason.

Ignore him and carry on with your weekend Smile

This.

Don't dignify it with a response.

At most add a tag to your picture - DD loving her time with Auntie X!

BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 18:52

@Droite

Who cares what he thinks? His opinion is of no interest to anyone, and the OP needs to internalise this

The point is that he may seek to use it as evidence to support an application for more contact time. Whether it's nonsense or not, why give him the ammunition? How would a very simple factual response harm OP?

He can try all he likes, he's not going to get more time with his DD because her mum allows her to spend a couple of hours with a family member!! Not to mention her DD knows the Aunt well & HE was the who let her down.
TempleofZoom · 18/09/2021 18:52

@Droite

Who cares what he thinks? His opinion is of no interest to anyone, and the OP needs to internalise this

The point is that he may seek to use it as evidence to support an application for more contact time. Whether it's nonsense or not, why give him the ammunition? How would a very simple factual response harm OP?

When he himself didnt turn up? How would it be ammunition? Op can choose who she likes to care for her child . I agree with the pp who suggested the family wizard app. Really good idea , everything is documented and available to the court. Do you think they will be impressed by his behaviour? No
HitMeWithYourRhythmicPrick · 18/09/2021 18:52

Goodness, Droite, you seem to be out to have a go at me this evening.

Evidence? For what?

If the OP's ex husband were to apply for more contact time, everything would be looked into very closely and weighed up. The courts focus on the best interests of the children. The OP's ex husband gives his hand away simply by not adhering to the contact arrangements, and giving no reason why not.

The OP has done nothing wrong. There is not a judge alive who would say she had.