To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

[Staryflight445]

@Droite op has already mentioned her ex knows her aunt.
He’s just being a dick.

[Royalbloo]

I'd send back "Lol" but I'm childish.

[Royalbloo]

Or just a "👍" that'll piss him right off

[Droite]

He can try all he likes, he's not going to get more time with his DD because her mum allows her to spend a couple of hours with a family member!!

Of course. But if he doesn't know it's a family member, he might use it as evidence for an application. Why shouldn't the OP spend a couple of seconds giving him the basic facts, thereby nipping that one in the bud, and save herself the grief of having to deal with an application?

[ChargingBuck]

@Droite

Who cares what he thinks? His opinion is of no interest to anyone, and the OP needs to internalise this

The point is that he may seek to use it as evidence to support an application for more contact time. Whether it's nonsense or not, why give him the ammunition? How would a very simple factual response harm OP?

How many times does this have to be explained?
Do not engage with emotional terrorists.
Conceding to their wish to draw you back into toxic exchanges allows them to control you again.
Meekly providing totally unnecessary 'explanations' hands control to an abuser.


Also ... how on earth would the fact that he cancelled one of his only 2 access days a month, at the last minute, then sent a rude & ignorant message about his child's great-aunt be construed as "evidence to support an application for more contact time"?

[pyewackett]

"That's Auntie Dora. I'm a little concerned about you. Have you had any other memory lapses lately? It may be time to have a little chat with your GP."

[SpeckledlyHen]

@WoozySnoozy

Eh? That’s terrible advice

Why is it terrible? It's acknowledged that as her father he might be worried that it was a stranger and reassures him it isn't. Whilst not getting annoyed back. I mean you don't have to say it was an aunt but I'd say it was a relative that often looks after her or something.

Terrible advice, this guy was not at all concerned about his daughter when he cancelled last minute with no explanation. I mean, he didn't provide an alternative childcare arrangement did he? If he was that concerned he could have done this rather than rely on OP providing an alternative solution and then him whining about it..

[ILoveYou3000]

@Droite

He can try all he likes, he's not going to get more time with his DD because her mum allows her to spend a couple of hours with a family member!!

Of course. But if he doesn't know it's a family member, he might use it as evidence for an application. Why shouldn't the OP spend a couple of seconds giving him the basic facts, thereby nipping that one in the bud, and save herself the grief of having to deal with an application?

Evidence of what? Even if it was a friend OP has left her child with that's no basis for an amendment to contact. Never mind the fact this was HIS contact time.

Think about how that court application would go "I decided at the last minute (for reasons unknown) I couldn't/wouldn't have my daughter, then her mother had the audacity not to cancel plans and allowed someone else to look after our daughter. She's a terrible parent, even if I can't stick to 48 hours a month how dare she take a couple of hours out on a day I should have my child"

[Staryflight445]

Ops aunt was at their wedding @Droite and he has mutual friends.

Ops ex is a dick.

[PuppyMonkey]

I’m not sure about sending a 👍 but a MN would be perfect.

[Droite]

Evidence of what? Even if it was a friend OP has left her child with that's no basis for an amendment to contact. Never mind the fact this was HIS contact time.

FFS. I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not saying a court application stood any chance of success. The point is, why give him a hook to hang even a hopeless application on when it so easy to avoid it?

[BashfulClam]

Of you respond he knows he’s got to you. If you ignore he’ll wind himself up, much more satisfying.

[HitMeWithYourRhythmicPrick]

@Droite

Evidence of what? Even if it was a friend OP has left her child with that's no basis for an amendment to contact. Never mind the fact this was HIS contact time.

FFS. I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not saying a court application stood any chance of success. The point is, why give him a hook to hang even a hopeless application on when it so easy to avoid it?

Oh come on. Give in gracefully. You are wrong and you know it.

[nannannanana]

@pelosi

I think he’s angry that he didn’t ruin your plans. Twat.

Agree now he is looking to wing you up. I wouldn't bother replying.

The bitch in me would post more pics or ask auntie to.

Fuck him.

[IAAP]

Sad as it you must reply it's a paper trail. But neutral.

Your text is noted. DC was left with aunt, and what I do in my time with DC is my responsibility and I do not need to notify you. As it is, please note that you were in breach of the court order by not collecting DC when arranged with NO reason given. This is also noted.

Copy and paste to all replies.

[PineNutsAreOverpriced]

@IAAP - why must she reply?

[knittingaddict]

I disagree that she needs a paper trail. If it goes back to the courts, family or otherwise, for any reason then the op can explain the situation then. The ex really doesn't need to know and the tone of his message is going to speak for itself.

[Jojo19834]

Glad you realise this is him being him and nothing you have done wrong. Just know you are doing a massively better job being her mum than he is being a dad

[DarkDarkNight]

What a dick. I wouldn’t even bother to respond. As he cancelled with no reason and only has your daughter for one night every other week I’m guessing he really wouldn’t have her all the time. He might actually have to do some parenting then.

You have nothing to apologise for. You had a bit of me time and your daughter had a lovely time with your aunt. Don’t give it a second thought.

[IAAP]

[quote PineNutsAreOverpriced]@IAAP - why must she reply?[/quote]
My legal advice was no matter how unreasonable, if you don't respond -courts don't like it and it is taken you aren't refuting it.

No matter how mine texted me I just replied as above. I also left a good 24 hours and copied and pasted on repeat if necessary.

Can't you see how this can be twisted in court - I was really ill and unable to have DC. I texted her this and I was told she left our DC with a random woman at the swimming pool -I was concerned and texted her. She didn't respond. Aplogies for the tone of my text but I was ill and concerned about DC but she just ignored me text.Unfortunately judges keep up the myth that all parents should and will be forced to co parent amicably and communicate.

Mine didn't turn up to the contact centre for the first 8 weeks -the court accepted his crying tears of 'I didn't want to go to a soulless contact centre like a criminal, I wanted to have them in my house' ok they didn't like it -but he played a good sob story.

I'd protect myself and all times and grey rock but refute.

[pelosi]

This twat has his dc for 2 nights a month. He ain’t going to court.

Ignore him.

[knittingaddict]

I think some people are tying themselves up in knots here. The op can have anyone she likes looking after her child, within reason. She can do anything she likes with that free time. She could take up martial arts or learn to pole dance or take a cocktail making course. She does not need to appease the man here.

As long as the children are looked after and loved (which I'm sure they are) then he doesn't get to control the op. That stopped when she left him. I know it's hard, but there are ways of dealing with men like this and giving them the attention they crave is not it.

[katemuff]

I'd have replied "Stranger? She spends more time with * than she does with you"
What a twat

[PineNutsAreOverpriced]

Was this recently @IAAP?

I had a support worker from a domestic violence service during my divorce and ignoring all of this sort of behaviour was advised,

[knittingaddict]

My legal advice was no matter how unreasonable, if you don't respond -courts don't like it and it is taken you aren't refuting it.

And yet any response in the early days of leaving are seen as a bad thing. When my relative went to the police it was seen as a positive that she hadn't replied or engaged with him.

Then you have to bend over backwards to not look like the bad guy? It stinks.

It makes me angry that it's always put onto the woman's shoulders to deal with these abusive men. It's them that end up in refuges, changing their jobs and "managing" the men.