To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

[Scottishskifun]

Agree that no response is far stronger!

It shows that he's not dictating anymore and you don't have to justify anything to him simple as!

It will also probably make him sit and stew more as generally those types get off on knowing they have impacted. No court in the land would change access rights because you went swimming it's just more mind games and threats. Ignore!

[WoozySnoozy]

Eh? That’s terrible advice

Why is it terrible? It's acknowledged that as her father he might be worried that it was a stranger and reassures him it isn't. Whilst not getting annoyed back. I mean you don't have to say it was an aunt but I'd say it was a relative that often looks after her or something.

[rawhidebone]

Haha at him professing that he will have his DC full time when he can't even commit to one night.

He just expects you to be in toddler prison, stuck either in work or with your DC at all times and the idea of you having any sort of life outside of this angers him. You can leave your DC with whoever you want, it's not his business unless there is a genuine safeguarding issue. Which there isn't.

[ManifestDestinee]

Don't respond.

[RoseAndRose]

The only reason to respond is because other people will see the comment, and you might want them to know that DD was happy with your aunt.

And without saying it, it'll make him look a bit of a twat

[Bobsyer]

PS don’t use my responses even though I’m sure they’re closer to how you’re feeling than anything dignified!

No response is the best I agree.

I still can’t get over the sheer audacity of him saying he’ll have her all the time when the only reason she’s with a relative she knows well is because he cancelled!

[rawhidebone]

@WoozySnoozy

Eh? That’s terrible advice

Why is it terrible? It's acknowledged that as her father he might be worried that it was a stranger and reassures him it isn't. Whilst not getting annoyed back. I mean you don't have to say it was an aunt but I'd say it was a relative that often looks after her or something.

Do not follow this person's advice, they don't appear to understand how perpetrators work. You do not have to justify yourself to him. He's not worried about his DC, he simply wants to commandeer your life from afar.

[Flamglimglubberty]

Another vote for ignore.

He's pissed that he didn't manage to sabotage your evening. He can't comprehend that your entire life doesn't revolve around him and his flakiness. I agree with what a Pp mentioned, he didn't give a reason for cancelling because h wanted you to flap and grovel. You didn't, and then you had a backup so you could enjoy your downtime. He's just doing it to get a reaction.

Sit back, laugh, ignore.

[Iloveacurry]

Ignore him. He wants a rise out of you.

[itsgettingwierd]

"Funnily enough the 28 days a month DD is with me we have other people in our lives. Just because they are strangers to you means nothing."

I wouldn't send that but I'd want to.

I agree the advice above to not even reply is the best.

Hope you enjoyed your swim

[theseoldbone]

No reply. He hasn't asked a question. If he does follow up and ask who you left her with just say "my aunt", then nothing more. No sarcasm, no little dig about him not coming today, factual. Big fat, grey rock for him.

Of course you did nothing wrong. You could leave your dd with this aunt all week and go to fucking Magaluf with your new toy boy if you like. None of his business.

[Tailendofsummer]

You need to change Facebook settings to not make something you are tagged in automatically appear on your timeline. You have to approve it first.

[VillanellesOrangeCoat]

@RoseAndRose

The only reason to respond is because other people will see the comment, and you might want them to know that DD was happy with your aunt.

And without saying it, it'll make him look a bit of a twat

It was a text rather than a FB comment, otherwise I’d agree.

Ignore. He’s desperate for you to feel under his control and given he cba seeing his child on his one day a fortnight I seriously doubt he’d go for custody (which he wouldn’t get) Don’t feel obliged to explain… he has no power over you anymore

[CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson]

Best answer is ignore.

Or a 👍

I'd so want to post "🤣🤣🤣 at the thought of you having her full-time when you can't even turn up for the 1 day a fortnight you should" though....

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

"That says so much about you. You cancel your contact day at the last minute and then don't recognise your own child's relatives. 😆"

[FreeBritnee]

'That stranger would be your daughter's Auntie'.

[MzHz]

My love, best thing is either to ignore him or give him the Queen Of Passive Agressive reply to bullshit like this which is 👍🏻

He’s looking for a reaction

You know he’s ordered to have her on 2 days per month and he can’t be arsed to make that happen.

You were supposed to be massively inconvenienced by his last minute attempt at sabotage- maybe he thought you were dating and he wanted to fuck that up for you.

What’s really critical for you to understand is that WHAT HE THINKS, SAYS OR DOES IS OF ABSOLUTELY ZERO IMPORTANCE.

I’m a swimmer. It’s amazing for being a place of sanctuary and sounds like you really deserve it

You know you made the right decision with your dd, you knew she was loved, cared for and safe.

Tbh… could you beat the same, to the same extent about your dd time with her dad?

Stop giving a shit about what he thinks. He only sees her because a court ordered him to and even then he can’t get it right.

I disagree with the point about telling other people not to post pics of her online. That’s up to you and to them. If he sees his daughter having a good time and is angry about it, so fucking what.

He’s a piss poor man, an appalling partner and a crap dad. Why would anybody listen to him.

So radio silence, go grey rock and don’t respond to anything unless it’s about childcare and make lots of use of 👍🏻

Give him nothing. starve him of the oxygen his little ego driven prick needs

He’ll get bored eventually

[BanginChoons]

The best comeback to this is nothing at all.

[Notaroadrunner]

Don't respond. You know he's an abusive cunt so what's the point in rising to the bait? And I agree with pp's who said to tell your relative never to post photos of your dc on Facebook again.

[Clymene]

Ignore

[AdaColeman]

Ignore, ignore and then ignore some more. Controllers hate that.

Tell all relatives and friends not to post anything about your daughter on social media.

[Ellie56]

He 's doing this to get a reaction. He will be well pissed off if you ignore him entirely.

But I do like some of the suggested responses.

[OhamIreally]

Silence is its own response.

He's deliberately trying to get a reaction. Your silence is you winning 🥇.

[theseoldbone]

I don't even know why you need to bother getting your relative to post pictures? If anything pictures of your child being happy with a relative are good evidence that it's being looked after. Better to have this picture as evidence than have someone see you at swimming (or wherever else in the future) and pass back info that you didn't have your child with you and it could have been anywhere

[theseoldbone]

Sorry I meant "getting your relative not to post pictures"