To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

[Chloemol]

Just ignore, but keep a screenshot

It’s his weekend, he hasn’t turned up, and put this comment on. Doesn’t look good on him

[ILoveYou3000]

He thinks you've gone away for the day/night with someone, he's taken your aunts words 'not missing you at all mum' to mean you've gone all day. Definitely ignore him. The arse.

Also he can't even have your daughter once a fortnight, his threats to have her 'all the time' are beyond laughable. He's trying to scare you, certain he'll be ruining your weekend.

[wewereliars]

The best response is to ignore him OP, that will annoy him more than anything. He wants a reaction, of course you're not unreasonable.

[WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor]

Grey rock him. He has nothing over you now, there is no need to respond.

[KatharinaRosalie]

I'd be really tempted to reply 'You know, I have thought about it and you're absolutely right, DD really needs to spend more time with you, she's been with me 28 days out of 30, if not more!
So you'll pick her up on Monday and I'll see you in 2 weeks! Don't forget her horse riding, gymnastics, robotics on Thursday, the science project that's due and she needs to dress as a ladybird on Friday and bring home-made cookies. That's just for next week, I'm sure you'll figure the rest out. Have fun!"

[FreedomFaith]

I'd send the following:

😂😂😂 Yes dds AUNT is a complete stranger to her. Tell your informant to study up better on their Sherlock Holmes skills as they are lacking. Oh and if you think you'd do so much better, please tell me the name of insert x of dds that he won't know, like a teacher or her best friend.

Then if he does try to take you to court, you have proof he knows fuck all about his own daughter. Whereas ignoring could be used as proof that you don't care (in his twisted fantasy of course).

[Skippingabeat]

For him, it's not about your daughter. It's about him not being successful in ruining your plans last minute. It's about you having family support and being able to do your thing. Basically, he's angry because he's not as in control as he thought he is.

Think about it. He cancelled on his own daughter last minute. The result? You went swimming, and your daughter had fab time with an auntie who loves her. He doesn't like that and can't hide it.

[DominicRaabsTravelAgent]

It's hard, but just ignore the text. Be the grey rock.

[LowlandLucky]

Silence is the best weapon, it will wind him up to hell.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Definitely ignore.

He sounds exactly like my ex. Despite the fact he was subject to a restraining order for a year and has never done more than an hour’s childcare at any one time he called social services because he learned my daughter (who was 9) had had a sleepover at her godmothers house. It was beyond pathetic and SS saw right through it,

As PPs have noted this is nothing to do with the quality of your childcare and everything to do with control and him wanting to sabotage any independent life on your part. These types of men think a mother should be a domestic slave without any life of her own.

The correct response is no response.

[jamie85]

If Aunt is willing let dd go to her more. Good for her, when she comes back to you she will have something to tell you that you didn't know. DD will like that.

[ivykaty44]

Im sure we can do a 50/50 araingnment, much as I love being with dc they need there other parent in their life. when do you want to start ?

[twilightermummy]

I think you need to gain more confidence in yourself. You didn’t need to ask whether you’re being unreasonable as clearly, you’re not. He’s still controlling your life and you need to fully let go. Tell him to F off or ignore. Be strong!

[Sindragosan]

The other option if its via WhatsApp is a thumbs up emoji.

[Enough4me]

Some exes are very spiteful.

My exH cancelled what he called his "childcare" and I called his parenting at the start of a school summer holiday. My crime was to have met someone several years after divorce and be happily 6 months in a new relationship (he knew as used to grill our DC). For context he was still with OW then girlfriend, but apparently as "you are the mum you know" I was not supposed to move on.

I told my partner and assumed that although he had briefly met my DC at that point that he would find it hard to not see me most days as I would have DC. He was fine though and keen to be part of a family. It brought us together and my exH then went the other way and took me to court saying I was blocking access.

Outcome: court went in my favour he had to agree to a plan including school pickups rather than at my home and they said directly to him that he should help with medical and school appointments as he is an equal parent.

The spite towards me and my partner never went away (about 4yr on now), but we now have no direct contact so don't have to hear nasty messages and DCs are older so know when he let's them down it's him not me.

There is definitely no point in engaging with a spiteful ex, better to be a blank wall!

[MadamMalkin]

I would just screenshot and crop the text message where he cancelled today, and send that to him.

[MadamMalkin]

*and I wouldn't even bother to read anything he replied after that, until the next day.

[Auroreforet]

Agree with ignore.
Love and hate are emotions which your ex feeds on.
Being ignored makes him powerless.

[pastabest]

Either thumbs up emoji or laughing face emoji if you can't bear to just ignore him. He's making himself look ridiculous so just laugh at him.

As tempting as it is to try and justify/explain it will wind him up more if you don't.

Perhaps a comment on the photo on Facebook saying 'thanks for having her, I'm really enjoying my spa break [winky face]'

[RudestLittleMadam]

Of course YANBU. He’s controlling, possibly/probably cancelled last minute with no reason given to ruin any plans you might have had. That didn’t work so now he’s trying to make you feel like shit. Don’t let him. But also don’t be surprised if after trying this a few times and it not working, he stops bothering with contact with your child altogether because he can’t use it to control you. Won’t be a too much of a shame however, given what a shit your ex is.

[Beachtrip]

My ex tries this, blanked him. He gave up.

It is unreasonable of him but it's another way to control you. Ignore. Don't engage. Don't feed the demon.

[LemonFantaGin]

When you have dd 2 days a month and let her down last minute, I dont think you have any right to comment on my childcare arrangements.

But honestly, Id just get your aunt to post another photo on Facebook, with smiles and happiness 💐

[RantyAunty]

Well done for ignoring him.
You don't owe him an explanation for anything.

[VirgilStarkwell]

Definitely thumbs up 👍 or nothing at all.

[CantChatNow]

Ignore! This is controlling ex 101. I agree with pp who said comment on the Facebook post, and make sure you say that you had a fab trip out so ex knows he didn’t stop you having fun!