To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

@choli

Ignore, don't reply.

This will hurt him the most. You know YANBU yo go swimming, why ask?

I'd ignore it entirely - it's really powerful

But my arsehole side would say "I met her at narcotics anonymous and even though I don't know her surname she seemed fine"

Ignore, he loses his control entirely then.

Do you think he is a danger to your dd? Could you dd be put in danger by his lack of control over you?

Glad dd had a great time with her aunt seeing as her df let her down

I would message him 'that's no stranger, it's her Aunt, who she sees more than you'

Don't respond and to make life easier change your facebook settings so that you have to approve anything you are tagged in!

@Phineyj

Don't respond and ask the aunt and anyone else who looks after DD to WhatsApp pictures if they must take them, not put them on Facebook.

I think that that sums it up well.

@HighlandCowbag

Just reply 'oh sorry, had a tinder hook up sorted, was cancelling but his aunt stepped in last minute, she seemed lovely!'

Then post a photo of yourself, preferably looking hot and sweaty post swim saying 'love a good work out on a Saturday afternoon, I bloody ache in places I didn't know I had'.

Then block him, send him an email address you only read once a week and tell him to contact you via that.

I love this!

That and @pastabest “Perhaps a comment on the photo on Facebook saying 'thanks for having her, I'm really enjoying my spa break [winky face]'”

Obviously pp and op are correct, and the ‘right’ response is nothing, but in my head I’d have liked to have done this!

I saw your update. That sounds fine. I hadnt realised what lengths ex's would go to stalk until I found out that my ex's partner has asked their family (so nothing to do with me at all) to track my postings. Even the ex-Ils were at it. So instead of them seeing lovely pictures of their relative having fun they now see nothing, unless I choose for the occasional post to be public.

Definitely ignore. I used to reply - didnt have the benefit of this site at the time. As another pp commented that would require them to admit they are wrong, and they wont do that.

Everyone saying ignore him is right, he cancelled purely in order to fuck up your plans and he's furious he hasn't managed to do so, so he's pulling something else out of the bag.

Make a note of this incident and every time he cancels and then harasses you about your childcare so that in a couple of years time when you've had enough of his shit, you've built up a record of how unreliable he is letting your DD down all the time and you've got a record of how he is using contact purely to harass you, not to build a good relationship with his DD.

@LaurieFairyCake

I'd ignore it entirely - it's really powerful

But my arsehole side would say "I met her at narcotics anonymous and even though I don't know her surname she seemed fine"

You should tell your aunt what he's doing and ask her to limit posts about your child so that certain people can't see them. Everyone except etc I think it is.

advise him that it's a regular childminder
incude an invoice fot the period when he was supposed to be taking care of child.

"You're hilarious."

Then ignore him on the point. Entirely.

Definitely ignore the text and don't reply but do start keeping a detailed log of these incidents, including a screen shot of his text and the FB post.

You never know when it might come in handy.

The best response is none.

You'll annoy him more by ignoring him and it means you're not engaging with his BS.

Honestly it sounds like your DD had a fabulous time with her adored aunt.Don't tell him you make plans on your one day off;he'll deliberately try to upset the apple cart in order to try to gain a minute bit of control.

It's sad he has people stalking you on social media;time for a cull perhaps?

Just say:

I know you must feel guilty because you let your daughter down this week but there's no need to put all that bad feeling on me. I was here all week for her and when you let her down, my aunt and I were here to pick up the pieces.

Just joining the chorus of Ignore.

One of your ex's siblings or parents has probably seen the post and asked him why your DC isn't with him today. He's probably feeling embarrassed/ashamed and is lashing out at you in order to make himself feel better/more in control.

Best to just ignore him (but save the message) because he's being an idiot, and will never admit he's the one at fault. It would be a waste of time and energy to respond.

Of course it’s reasonable for you to arrange suitable childcare and swim. You have to prioritise your health, because your daughter currently only has one active parent.

I would:

• ignore text from ex
• screenshot and keep a record of all contact with ex
• post a reply to Auntie on FB thanking her for your daughter ‘s fun afternoon with Auntie Name
• ask those who care for your child to send photos directly to you rather than FB- if you explain that this is due to issues with abusive ex they will understand.

Is contact with your ex supervised if he’s violent?

PS you have her all the time? Maybe see if you could do your one day EOW first?

What a complete arse he is!
The older and wiser I get, the more I realise the power of a dignified silence.
Well-done!

Ignore is best…let’s see if he cancels next time

Tell him to do one. What a knob.