To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

Thank you everyone you're right, silence is the best response.

I won't stop my aunt posting on Facebook but will change settings so I approve anything. Aunt doesn't have ExH as a friend either but does have some mutual friends with him.

He should know my aunt, she came to our wedding and has been involved with DD since she was born. ExH went to school with my cousin as well.

Take a screenshot of the text he’s sent and save it in case you need it in the future.

Facebook settings - sharpen these up and make sure that anyone who is caring for your child knows that you prefer not to have photos uploaded on any social media or shared without your permission.

Do not reply to his text. Or put a comment on the Facebook post.

Good for you going swimming, you need to have something like this in your life and it sets a great example for your daughter that you do focus on your fitness and wellbeing.

Sorry totally crossed posts as I’m so slow at typing!

I’d ignore you don’t hVe to justify your life to him. You had plans. keep a note and his texts in case he’s a knob at court. So 17/8 Ex cancels short notice no reason given. Child cared for by aunt instead for 2 hours arranged by me. Ex sends shitty text.

Ignore him. He wants to control you and is angered that you aren't reliant on him. HOWEVER if he continues to miss contact, take it to court and show them all messages regarding him cancelling all the time. Although the law is an ass in that it cant force the non-resident parent to actually parent, the nrp cant control your life by not adhering to the court order. The fact you are questioning your parenting shows that he is still controlling you You need to step outside your head, look at it factually and see it for what it is. He is intentionally messing with your head and trying to scare you by saying he will have her all the time. Just go back to court and get it changed if he continues to let your child down by refusing to parent.

Just reply

No need to have her all the time

I sorted it fine. She had a great time. Thanks for asking! The family member whom I left her with said she’d behaved perfectly.

Take back control and ignore,they hate this.

Think on the positive side, this is a win for your dd as she’s spent 50% less time with her controlling / violent father this month.

I second what @Mandalordeloris said. Don't give him any fuel.

Reply to the facebook post and say - love this photo, thanks for having her auntie Joan, looks like you both had fun xxxx

Ignore message from ex.

'I had a swimming session booked which I was looking forward to.
You were supposed to have her.
You let me down with no explanation.
She's with her Aunt who is not a stranger.
Now kindly fuck off.'

@WeAllHaveWings

Reply to the facebook post and say - love this photo, thanks for having her auntie Joan, looks like you both had fun xxxx

Ignore message from ex.

Brilliant!

The best comeback you can give your ridiculous ex is - NONE.

All it will do is allow him to take up more of your precious headspace, & let him know that his still has the ability to press your buttons.

I promise you - no reply as a stock response to goady manipulators is bloody enraging to them. Fucks with their sense of entitlement to control others!

DO NOT REPLY, not even to "explain" about your aunt.
You do not need to justify to him who keeps your child company on your watch.

He's testing you, to see if he can start headfucking you again.
The moment you respond, he's got you back into his gameplaying.
Don't give the abusive bastard the opportunity.

In future, keep ALL comms sparse, & only about arrangements for DD.
If you do not already have co-parenting software, have a look into that too. There are many advantages to having a separate platform, & in the case of previous abuse, means you can block him on everything else.

By responding, you’re playing into his hands. Ignore and move on or, if you feel you need to send something, a passive-aggressive thumbs up 👍 will do.

Just reply 'oh sorry, had a tinder hook up sorted, was cancelling but his aunt stepped in last minute, she seemed lovely!'

Then post a photo of yourself, preferably looking hot and sweaty post swim saying 'love a good work out on a Saturday afternoon, I bloody ache in places I didn't know I had'.

Then block him, send him an email address you only read once a week and tell him to contact you via that.

I see you've decided to ignore which is 💯 the right thing to do.

Look up the 'grey rock' technique when dealing with a controlling and abusive ex. They want a reaction so not giving them one is always the best thing to do.

He’s trying to get back in your head and back in control.

Your only personal response to this is to think aye ok then wanker, and laugh.

Your only text response is nothing. Completely ignore.

I honestly wpuldnt reply because it will fuck him off far more. Think of him sat there waiting to pick a fight and getting more worked up that the phone isn't pinging!

I would reply along the lines of ‘as you were supposed to have her I had made some plans. You cancelled and my aunt offered to have her so I didn’t need to cancel at such short notice. I hope whatever problem you had doesn’t get in the way of your next visit’
(Also ‘you’re a wanker’ if you fancy a small amount of knob jockery)

No reply to the text.

Change your Facebook settings so you have to approve anything you’re tagged in.

Ask your aunt to change her settings so that any posts which include you or your daughter exclude the mutual friends from seeing them when they’re posted (you can do that via the privacy settings).

But Auntie's post didn't say anything about swimming. It sounds to me like his message meant, "Aha! I KNEW you were planning to go off with another man when I have DD EOW. That's why I cancelled, to catch you out, abandoning your beloved child to go shagging. Now I see you had to arrange someone else to look after DD, so that proves it!"

And then reply no further.

"You cancelled on your daughter without arranging childcare. So you basically abandoned her. I'm picking up your slack so fuck off"

@pelosi

I think he’s angry that he didn’t ruin your plans. Twat.

This

Swimming is fine. Ignore the turd, he will hate it but can’t do anything about it. Enjoy your weekend.