To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

[MissMogwai]

What a controlling bellend. I agree with the PP who said to reply (not that he deserves one), with a 👍🏼

I certainly wouldn't explain myself to reassure him as a PP suggested. He's obviously annoyed as you have enjoyed some free time despite him cancelling - what a loser.

[CatJumperTwat]

Do NOT explain yourself to him - that really is terrible advice. I'm glad you're going to ignore the twat.

[namechange30455]

I'd be so tempted to respond with something like "As if, you can't even be bothered to have her one night a fortnight hence why MY AUNT offered to have her for a couple of hours today as I had plans " but dignified silence is clearly your best option OP.

[shouldistop]

Honestly, I wouldn't even reply.

[Goldbar]

I'd be tempted to reply to his suggestion of having her full-time "Yeah right . You do realise you have to be stable and reliable to look after a child full-time. You wouldn't last a week".

I realise that might fan the flames though, so silence is probably the best option.

[Getawaywithit]

I wouldn’t respond. He wants a reaction. Don’t give him one,

Do keep a note of his cancellations. He sounds the type to have you back and forwards to court.

Consider who you’re friends with on social media. I would personally delete and then block mutual friends to solve this issue permanently.

[pigsDOfly]

Agree with pps saying ignore. You don't need some sort of snappy come back.

He's trying to get a rise out of you, don't give him that satisfaction.

Of course you're absolutely entitled to go swimming and you most certainly don't have to justify anything to him or tell him who you left your child with.

[AllySmelly]

@UnchainedMemory 🤣 you could be right!

[Penners99]

As the song said, "Silence is Golden"

[BlackIsQueen]

The only reason he cancelled was to leave you in the shit and now he is furious that his ruse didn't work.
Sucks to be him. Ignore.

[Plumtree391]

@WoozySnoozy

I would just say "don't worry I left her with her aunt" and leave it at that. Then ask people to stop putting pictures of her on Facebook.

That.

You have done nothing wrong at all.

However facebook never ceases to irritate me, it is so banal.

[Supertree]

He’s just being a wanker and it’s best to ignore. My son’s dad has been similarly shit all of his life. I remember he went through a phase of deciding to bring him back early if he’d actually bothered to collect him. It’d be around 15-20 minutes early, and he’d just expect me to be in. When I wasn’t in, he’d angrily confront me when I turned up at the correct time and tell me that he would have him if I couldn’t be bothered anymore (in front of our child). When I’d point out that he had come early he’d claim not to know what I was talking about. He’s never really improved and has never realised just how shit he is. Best to ignore and just get on with your life. You don’t owe him an explanation.

[NewlyGranny]

Another candidate for the "Our Family Wizard" app, OP! He would have to post that nasty text next to his unapologetic last minute cancellation, and he couldn't take either of them down. And how would that look?!

[Billandbob]

Grey rock.

[Eralos]

Don’t respond

[Ohpulltheotherone]

If either ignore or id send the old 👍🏻

Just that, nothing else. Just the thumbs up.
So passive aggressive I just love it

👍🏻

[MrsRobbieHart]

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text?

Don’t even bother. It doesn’t warrant a response. You have nothing to justify or explain. Let him froth. It’s nothing to do with him.

[NewlyGranny]

He's just cross because he tried and failed to spoil your bit of me-time, and because you have a loving, supportive network around your little family.

Since when do total strangers offer to take a child swimming?! 😂

[knittingaddict]

Anything that doesn't require an answer can be safely ignored. This definitely comes into the ignore category. Men like this do it to scare and have some kind of warped control. The best thing you can do is deal with the practicalities of contact in a calm manner and pretend messages like this haven't happened. They do it to get a response and it is more effective to not give it to them.

I would take a screen shot, as things like this can be valuable down the line and then put it to the back of your mind.

[ElephantOfRisk]

My aunt was delighted to have her, pity her no mark dad couldn't be arsed.

[knittingaddict]

@NewlyGranny

He's just cross because he tried and failed to spoil your bit of me-time, and because you have a loving, supportive network around your little family.

Since when do total strangers offer to take a child swimming?! 😂

It was the op going swimming, but everything else is spot on.

[MrsRobbieHart]

@knittingaddict

Anything that doesn't require an answer can be safely ignored. This definitely comes into the ignore category. Men like this do it to scare and have some kind of warped control. The best thing you can do is deal with the practicalities of contact in a calm manner and pretend messages like this haven't happened. They do it to get a response and it is more effective to not give it to them.

I would take a screen shot, as things like this can be valuable down the line and then put it to the back of your mind.

All of this.

[Viviennemary]

All he wanted to do was annoy you. You made perfectly sensible arrangements for childcare. Don't respond. Hes annoyed your DD was having a good time in spite of him and you still went swimming. So his petty behaviour didn't sabotage your day.

[TangoWhiskyAlphaTango]

Say nothing. I have learnt the hard way that silence says more than ten thousand words ever could. It gives you the upper hand as he has no idea what you are thinking.

[VorpalSword]

Don’t respond or justify in anyway. He recognises your aunt, he is just trying to wind you up, get into a pointless conversation, make you feel guilty etc....

Yes you should go swimming.
Yes it is healthy for your child to have others who love her and look after her (and treat her to ice cream)
No you don’t owe him any response.