To think he can’t cancel then dictate my childcare?

[HereHeGoes]

DD (aged 7) is supposed to go to ExH EOW for 1 night (court ordered). We split due his violence and control.

Last night he text me to say he wouldn’t be at the pickup point today, no reason given.

I usually go swimming EOW after dropping DD with her dad, and had already paid for the session when he cancelled so I asked a relative to have my DD while I swimmed. Relative posted a photo on Facebook of DD grinning and eating an icecream captioned “We’re not missing you mum” with me tagged.

ExH doesn’t have me as friend on FB but we have quite a few mutual friends as he used to live in this town (his parents and sibling still do) so someones shown it to him.

He’s text me telling me I’m disgusting leaving my daughter with a stranger (not a stranger, it’s my aunt for context who helps me with childcare in the week – DD adores my aunt) and that if I don’t want her he’s happy to have her all the time.

For context I do 100% of all the parenting, apart from EOW for 24 hours everything is my responsibility. I love being a mum and everything to do with my life revolves around my DD and her routine and needs – even my working day. When she’s with me for the weekend I literally never let her out of my sight but my swimming is my me time to chill out.

I think he wanted me to beg him to have DD and regain some control of me and my life.

So AIBU to ask for a good comeback to the text? And AIBU to have still gone swimming?

[Enough4me]

OP continue to ignore him and, when your ex does this type of thing again, imagine he's trying to drop a nasty hook down to catch you. Ignoring him is the only way to continue past the hook, otherwise he gets your attention and will try to pull you along with him.

[cookingisoverrated]

No, she doesn't need his approval or permission to decide who is suitable childcare & who isn't. He has her 48 hours in a month!! She's responsible the other almost 700 hours! He doesn't get to veto childcare. Exactly this.

[CoralBells]

See you are ignoring 👍

[CoralBells]

Yanbu. Probably best not to give him the satisfaction of rising to it. If you ignore him it'll wind him up more than any response

[nanbread]

LITERALLY ignore him as well as via text

This kind of behaviour deserves 0% of your headspace

[Ponoka7]

You shouldn't have changed your FB settings. He's still controling you and you are still walking on eggshells.

"Evidence of what", controlling behaviour, unreasonableness and and abusive communication. It's worth noting everything when you are dealing with an ex like him.

[KimchiJjigae]

That was supposed to be a grin not an angry face, oops!

[KimchiJjigae]

Glad you're ignoring because he's being so, so unreasonable it's ridiculous. He's only angry that he can't control you and he wasn't able to get one over on you.

Enjoy how furious he'll be at getting ignored

[3scape]

I'm so glad you carried on without him. My ex used to screw around with his access. It took me far too long, too many messages designed to fuck with my head to realise what he was doing.
Ywnbu At all.

[Briony123]

I wouldn't even bother replying.

[RandomMess]

Completely ignore.

I agree you could post on your Aunt's FB "Awww you are such a fab Great-Aunt to DD stepping in when she was let down x"

[Wiredforsound]

Another response, should you ever need to use it (though recommend ignoring this text) is ‘Noted’. Nothing else, just ‘Noted’.

[Lennybenny]

I've had the same sort of tx from Exh. He still used to bring them back at the weekend after txing me to say I was rubbish and he should have them.... ignore the tx, that will wind him up more. Post on the fb pic that she adores being with her Aunt and you'll both have ice cream next time.

[Chachachawoo]

Glad you have your aunt as support. Of course it's fine to go swimming.
You sound like a great mum
Your ex sounds utterly vile.
Sorry you have to keep contact for the sake of your daughter.

[TurquoiseDragon]

@Droite

Evidence of what? Even if it was a friend OP has left her child with that's no basis for an amendment to contact. Never mind the fact this was HIS contact time.

FFS. I've made it perfectly clear that I'm not saying a court application stood any chance of success. The point is, why give him a hook to hang even a hopeless application on when it so easy to avoid it?

If OP follows your advice, OP would have no life at all.

Her ex knows this family member, and if he wants to waste his money on a hopeless application, let him. But it won't even get as far as court, any decent lawyer would point out reality to him.

OP, I think no response, and perhaps check in with your aunt about a) security settings, and b) maybe doing something about mutual friends on the friends list.

The parenting app sounds a good idea, didn't have this when I left my ex. Meanwhile screenshot and keep any of the texts received now.

[DogFoodPie]

Glad you ignored him and if you do have any concern about evidence for courts I would keep his messages.

[HereHeGoes]

@RandomMess

🤣

He just pissed that him cancelling didn't screw your plans AND that you have support.

I would have a back up arranged each week so DD has a fab time whenever he cancels and you still get your downtime.

My aunt is more than happy to cover, it won't be all day or overnight as she works Saturday evening but she's happy to cover my swimming and take her for lunch if I wanted.

[RandomMess]

🤣

He just pissed that him cancelling didn't screw your plans AND that you have support.

I would have a back up arranged each week so DD has a fab time whenever he cancels and you still get your downtime.

[HereHeGoes]

Have ignored him, and changed my FB settings so that any tags I am asked to approve before they go on my timeline, although I shouldn't have to!

[knittingaddict]

@PineNutsAreOverpriced

Was this recently *@IAAP*?

I had a support worker from a domestic violence service during my divorce and ignoring all of this sort of behaviour was advised,

Exactly. Thank you.

[knittingaddict]

My legal advice was no matter how unreasonable, if you don't respond -courts don't like it and it is taken you aren't refuting it.

And yet any response in the early days of leaving are seen as a bad thing. When my relative went to the police it was seen as a positive that she hadn't replied or engaged with him.

Then you have to bend over backwards to not look like the bad guy? It stinks.

It makes me angry that it's always put onto the woman's shoulders to deal with these abusive men. It's them that end up in refuges, changing their jobs and "managing" the men.

[PineNutsAreOverpriced]

Was this recently @IAAP?

I had a support worker from a domestic violence service during my divorce and ignoring all of this sort of behaviour was advised,

[katemuff]

I'd have replied "Stranger? She spends more time with * than she does with you"
What a twat

[knittingaddict]

I think some people are tying themselves up in knots here. The op can have anyone she likes looking after her child, within reason. She can do anything she likes with that free time. She could take up martial arts or learn to pole dance or take a cocktail making course. She does not need to appease the man here.

As long as the children are looked after and loved (which I'm sure they are) then he doesn't get to control the op. That stopped when she left him. I know it's hard, but there are ways of dealing with men like this and giving them the attention they crave is not it.

[pelosi]

This twat has his dc for 2 nights a month. He ain’t going to court.

Ignore him.