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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

194 replies

Mackmama · 18/09/2021 13:13

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Sundancerintherain · 18/09/2021 13:14

How old is SDD ?

Original poster
Mackmama · 18/09/2021 13:15

She’s 12

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 18/09/2021 13:15

How old is she?

pickingdaisies · 18/09/2021 13:17

Oh the poor girl. So now she's just found out that she smells? And in her self-consciousness she's found something perfumed and that's wrong too? Are you for real? Hmm

Cheesepuff1 · 18/09/2021 13:17

yanbu but maybe wait until she's gone and have a proper discussion with you partner rather than in front of her

Fleetheart · 18/09/2021 13:18

i think you need to ask her Dad to wash her clothes. He needs to deal with it; children going into puberty seem to go one way or the other/ either obsessively clean or the other way round. however arguing and nagging won’t resolve the situation.

Sundancerintherain · 18/09/2021 13:18

YANBU, at that age your DH needs to be modeling and encouraging good hygiene for SDD's sake.
I'm sure most of us had that smelly kid at school.

RestingPandaFace · 18/09/2021 13:18

At 12 I think you need to have a serious conversation with Dad before she ends up getting bullied. If you’ve made sure she’s got clean underwear, clothes and toiletries, and she won’t accept gentle encouragement then you DP needs to take a stronger line with her on having a shower and changing clothes.

On a slightly separate note yes YANBU to be annoyed at so much perfume you’ve had to give your DC Puritan, that’s ridiculous!

TheSockMonster · 18/09/2021 13:18

It’s not unreasonable to expect her parents to help her manage her personal hygiene if she’s struggling (which it sounds like she is)

It’s hard to say whether your actions were unreasonable as it depends on the tone and nature of what you did.

ChampagneWorries · 18/09/2021 13:18

You have to be very blunt with pre teens and teens about hygiene. I wouldn’t have anyone in my house who smelt, my own kids would be told that it’s not acceptable to smell and not brush your teeth

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2021 13:18

Surely by 12 she should know if she doesn’t shower every day then she’ll smell. I don’t think you’re the evil stepmother- nobody likes smelly people

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2021 13:19

It’s a really tricky age - how old are your DC, OP? At 12 they’re sort of still immature about the fact their bodies are changing and are still in the child mindset of being able to get away with not washing every day. They’re also really embarrassed by puberty stuff. So you have to tread carefully and it doesn’t sound like you have, honestly.

Her DF should not be avoiding it, but you sound disgusted by her and that’s not a great place to be coming from to solve this.

YouJustDoYou · 18/09/2021 13:19

A lot of them like to follow the trend of "saving the planet" by not washing for days and days.

Fleetheart · 18/09/2021 13:19

when you say a week at school, does she go to Boarding School?

Plumtree391 · 18/09/2021 13:20

@Mackmama

She’s 12
A 12, youngsters usually start being personally aware and fastidious. Before that they often need to be told.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to have a general chat with your stepdaughter about personal hygiene. I realise it is a difficult subject but if she was your own child, you wouldn't hesitate.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/09/2021 13:20

Poor girl.

It's not uncommon. Any discussions need to be ULTRA kind and sensitive with her and any talk with her dad needs to be done when she's not there.

Go really gentle with her.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 18/09/2021 13:21

I think giving a child anti allergy medicine cos she's gone a bit ott with her perfume, is a slight overreaction.

girlmom21 · 18/09/2021 13:23

Judging by "I wasn't able to hold my tongue" I'd assume you addressed it quite nastily?

And given the fact she's doused herself in fragrance today, I'd assume she's upset and self-conscious and it's right that her fathers taken her out today.

There are ways to address bad hygiene sensitively.

Marcipex · 18/09/2021 13:23

Jeez, it’s disgusting and I am surprised she has any friends.
Is not brushing teeth to save the planet, too?

Ughmaybenot · 18/09/2021 13:23

I don’t think you’d have been unreasonable to have raised the issue of her personal hygiene in a kind way, but that doesn’t sound very much like what actually happened.
As for losing your shit because she did as you asked and washed but then went too far the other way with scent etc (given how embarrassed she must be feeling, it’s no fucking wonder), I’d want to get the hell away from you too.

hangrylady · 18/09/2021 13:23

I think you handled it very badly. Not sure what your relationship is like with her but a more gentle approach would have been better, she's only 12 and probably very self conscious about puberty. As for giving your kids piriton, you sound a bit dramatic tbh

BrutusMcDogface · 18/09/2021 13:24

I agree, sounds like you’ve gone in with guns blazing. You’re not unreasonable to want her to wash; in fact it’s a parent’s duty to teach kids about this stuff, isn’t it? But maybe you could have been more gentle about it.

Original poster
Mackmama · 18/09/2021 13:25

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

OP posts:
Atla · 18/09/2021 13:26

Is she a boarder at school? Is there a reason she doesn't wash/shower while she is there? E.g depression , bullying, self conscious about changing in front of others etc.

Has anyone spoken to her about the need to wash/hygiene in general? Has she got her own toiletries to use?

Would a general house rule work - "we brush teeth morning and night and shower daily in this house".

At the end of the day she is 12, still a child. I agree her dad should be taking the lead with this but if he isn't for whatever reason can you discuss with her mum?

Aurorashields99 · 18/09/2021 13:26

Why isn't her dad washing her clothes op?

I'm sorry but 12 is a very sensitive age. Some do go through a soap shy phase which usually ends when they discover the opposite sex. I think you could have approached this a bit more kindly. It's important she feels welcome in her dad's home. Couldn't you have spoken to her gently about it? What's the point of getting cross? It must have been humiliating for her.

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