To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

You are being way OTT with the antihistamine. Just try and be gentle about this, stop going In guns a blazing.

I have a DD12 and I have to nag her to shower. She loves having a shower/bath but she just forgets and is busy doing other things.
With your DSD, her dad really needs to step up here and at the very least remind her she needs to wash. He seems to be afraid to because he doesn’t want to upset her.
She sounds like she really needs some guidance and help with hygiene. It’s never an easy conversation and you and your Other half need to decide who has that conversation with her and what your boundaries are with enforcing it.

@RosiePosieDozy. No, her parents are neglecting her, not the OP.

I think the OP recognizes that she’s handled this situation badly and needs to make amends. But her DSD’s Mum and Dad need to step up and ensure their daughter is clean and has clean clothes available to her. If the OP is willing to help, that’s great, but it’s not her responsibility.

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

Does she live in some sort of slum?

If her mother is an incapable parent who cannot wash and clothe her child maybe your DH needs to speak to the school to see what support can be offered to her. Perhaps you have waded into some bizarre family situation where he was once married to her, but now she is some sort of incapable creature who cannot run her child a bath?

The OP says she tried gentle hints, taking her to buy "smellies", buying extra clothes and nothing has helped and she is still having to deal with the smelly washing. It's no wonder the OP snapped at her husband who seems to have done nothing all. People seem to be suggesting the OP should be doing even more and apologising. She is not the mother. The father should be ashamed that he has let things get to this stage and that he thinks its okay to let his daughter be in the house smelling like this. If anybody should be apologising it's him and the neglectful mother. If your SD isn't being teased at school, she might find people aren't keen on sitting next to her or including her in things.

No, the OP shouldnt be liaising with the mother. The father should be liaising rith the mother. After all he married the woman with the dubious hygiene. And he shouldn't be flouncing out as if he's been wronged when he has been the useless parent.

Are there any sanitary things available? Perhaps just tell her they will be in a drawer ready if needed and tell her how they are to be disposed off as that might be better coming from you. It sounds as if the mother might be too neglectful to even manage to have supplies on hand.

Your husband should be taking her to get her teeth checked over - a small amount of work now might save her from a lifetime of bad teeth.

My daughter smelled at that age.

A lot of it is hormonal. She had that 'onion' smell.

Big help was Mitchum deodorant.

And then she grew out of it.

Some of the comments on here are so fucking mean. A 12 year old child for gods sake.

I'm with you OP, I couldn't stick that. She probably over used some perfume to get back at you. I am really fastidious (as is DH and my 2 DS) with cleanliness so I actually think it would be a relationship deal breaker with DH for me if he didn't fix the issue.

Oh op there is a way of handling things and you handled it terribly. You mention how clean you are so you are probably the polar opposite to your dsd so you need to meet in the middle . Yes of course she needs to learn to wash regularly but that doesn’t mean going ott on spray . Talk to her sensibly she needs someone who can talk to about this stuff not a man and if her mums not particularly bothered then can you do it ? .I feel sorry for her because kids are cruel but a adult saying she smells is even worse . Also perhaps relax a bit she doesn’t need to shower daily but just clean underwear a wash & brush teeth .

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

Yes you probably are too much the other way OP.

I think you owe her an apology. She would have heard that argument between you and her dad and it would have made her feel shit.

You did not have to give your child an anti histamine for too much perfume, you could have just opened the windows. I hope you didn't make a big song and dance about it in front of her.

Dont do her washing - leave it to your dh to do and but out of it. And apologise for your behaviour because its sounds unpleasant.

What's done is done. Before you go any further, I'd have a talk with her father. He has to step up his game in this area. He needs to be more involved in this. Maybe some of this is better coming from a woman, or maybe she'd rather discuss it with her dad. It depends on the child, but someone has to do something, and he needs to be involved and supportive. He's not doing her any favours by ignoring the problem.

She must have regular baths/showers, wear deodorant, and change her clothes more often. That's just a normal part of growing up. It's not insulting if you approach it the right way. Make sure she knows that it's something everyone has to start doing, just another part of maturing into a teenager and then an adult.

@Rangoon

The OP says she tried gentle hints, taking her to buy "smellies", buying extra clothes and nothing has helped and she is still having to deal with the smelly washing. It's no wonder the OP snapped at her husband who seems to have done nothing all. People seem to be suggesting the OP should be doing even more and apologising. She is not the mother. The father should be ashamed that he has let things get to this stage and that he thinks its okay to let his daughter be in the house smelling like this. If anybody should be apologising it's him and the neglectful mother. If your SD isn't being teased at school, she might find people aren't keen on sitting next to her or including her in things.

No, the OP shouldnt be liaising with the mother. The father should be liaising rith the mother. After all he married the woman with the dubious hygiene. And he shouldn't be flouncing out as if he's been wronged when he has been the useless parent.

Are there any sanitary things available? Perhaps just tell her they will be in a drawer ready if needed and tell her how they are to be disposed off as that might be better coming from you. It sounds as if the mother might be too neglectful to even manage to have supplies on hand.

Your husband should be taking her to get her teeth checked over - a small amount of work now might save her from a lifetime of bad teeth.

No she isn't the mother so she shouldn't be doing the washing or arguing - mostly likely with in ear shot - which her dad about how much she smells.

I agree, she shouldn't be leasing with the mother but I would absolutely take my child out of that situation where an adult is giving a another child tablets they don't need to prove a point after the SDD tried to do something about it

And yes - she does need to apologise. I would be so angry if some one did this to one of my kids

liaising **

That sounds like a pretty awful way for the girl to find out she stinks. Once my DC smelled I told them it was time for deodorants and regulalr baths. I remember my DD coming home from school when she was 12 and I could smell her from upstairs. She was directed to the bath room. It is humiliating for a 12yr old walking round school stinking. Its shocking that neither parent has supported their DD as she is maturing as you need to support your DC at this time as they are going through alot of changes. I dont see anything wrong with a step mother saying to her DSD that she needs to have a bath. If it was me i would stock up on those little bath bombs you get from lush. Make them fun and have them for her when she comes over on a friday and make it a fun 'bath' night. Take her out and get her a little toilet bag with nice bits in it for her.

As for your DP, he is a shit dad and ignoring the fact his DD is coming to your home in dirty clothes and smelling is a disgrace.

This sounds like she's being neglected at home by her mother. Why is her mother not ensuring she changes her clothes and bathes daily? Your husband should be concerned about what sort of care she is getting from the mother. Something doesn't sound right. No decent mother would let their child wear the same clothes all week.

Your husband should be taking her to get her teeth checked over - a small amount of work now might save her from a lifetime of bad teeth.

Yes, honestly focus on the teeth. The rest will probably sort itself out as she matures, though you could give your DH a kick up the backside to deal with it. But if he's not taking her to the dentist, take her yourself. She will thank you when she is an adult if she is not having to deal with the consequences of childhood dental neglect. And she's at an age where it will become harder and harder to limit her access to sugary sweets and drinks.

Well both her DF and DM are being very neglectful parents if they aren't addressing their daughters bad hygiene habits. Being a responsible parent means ensuring your kids shower, wash hair, clean teeth and change their clothes. It sounds like the mother is neglecting her DD and her Disney dad is not much better if he's just ignoring it. The father needs to speak to his DD and find out why she is not keeping clean, is there a problem at home etc and then speak to his ex to try and sort this out. You can be sure her school will have noticed.

It is impossible to understand what is going on here without more information from the OP.
We don’t know for sure if she wears the same clothes all week. My DS has some pretty major anxiety issues right now, even though he showers in a morning and wears deodorant, he still needs a shower when he gets home and new clothes for the next day because he’s so stressed and anxious that he sweats at lot. We have just started to use Mitchum (or whatever it’s called!) it’s making a massive difference. However, in his episodes of low mood, it’s exhausting trying to get him to shower, brush his teeth etc because he’s just so depressed, he doesn’t want to do anything. Getting him up and about is hard enough. I’m not a bad parent and I’m not neglecting him. He’s just very poorly. Thankfully he’s in therapy now and getting better. It’s not always the case that they are lazy or that they need a Lush bath bomb. We have bathrooms full of lovely toiletries, many bought for him but it makes no difference. Only him getting better has made a difference.
My heart is breaking for your DSD OP.

OP

Could you not just buy a basket of smelly stuff, nice deodorant some impulse spray and some bath bombs and keep it in her room. None of this is her poor fault I doubt she over used perfume to get back at you maybe she over used perfume because you made her feel ashamed about the way she smells. Also maybe buy a few pairs of lounge wear she can put on while at yours.

Just say something like I know your body is changing and you might feel embarrassed or cheeky to ask for things I've put a basket in your room that is just yours to use whenever you need.

It depends how you handle it, I've made a point of teaching my 12yo about personal hygiene, we go out and he chooses what products he wants to use and try to find what works for him.

Its for the parents to teach her this, but at the end of the day, its her that walks around stinking and people avoiding her so someone needed to tell her.

@MummyJ12

It is impossible to understand what is going on here without more information from the OP. We don’t know for sure if she wears the same clothes all week. My DS has some pretty major anxiety issues right now, even though he showers in a morning and wears deodorant, he still needs a shower when he gets home and new clothes for the next day because he’s so stressed and anxious that he sweats at lot. We have just started to use Mitchum (or whatever it’s called!) it’s making a massive difference. However, in his episodes of low mood, it’s exhausting trying to get him to shower, brush his teeth etc because he’s just so depressed, he doesn’t want to do anything. Getting him up and about is hard enough. I’m not a bad parent and I’m not neglecting him. He’s just very poorly. Thankfully he’s in therapy now and getting better. It’s not always the case that they are lazy or that they need a Lush bath bomb. We have bathrooms full of lovely toiletries, many bought for him but it makes no difference. Only him getting better has made a difference. My heart is breaking for your DSD OP.

This is a good point. She may be depressed.

It’s hard if she is not used to being clean.

DH needs to decide if he is parenting or just Disney dad.

Suggest a routine where she baths on arrival and before leaving. Wash her hair for her over the bath . Provide nice bath bombs or whatever. Hygiene non negotiable. DH to organise. Nice Disney dad stuff follows only once routine observed. Onesie to change into after evening bath and Mitchum Roll on is your friend. Must be applied. Pick a fragrances one and give her a hug while checking you can smell she has it on. Lots of positive reinforcement. Etc. DH neglecting her otherwise.

Ps all 10-12 year olds hit a stage where this becomes a big issue unless dealt with no one
I picking on HER but she is growing up and needs to keep up with her bodies needs.

Your DH isn't doing her any favours. Tell him the last thing she would want is being marked out as being the stinky kid at school or it'll stick with her forever.

OP, why are you expected to wash her clothing and why is her dad not dealing with her hygiene levels? It seems a bit shitty of him not to take care of her clothing and expect you to put up with the smell.

Yanbu OP, it is made so much harder by having a disney dad for a partner. My DSD is nearly 12, if she's a bit smelly or her hair is greasy etc I will be honest with her and tell her she should have a shower. I say we all get a bit sweaty and smelly and should shower often, bought her deodorant and made sure she knows when and how to use it. Maybe have a more gentle talk when they get back about hygiene and the importance at this age.

In my work if this was as constant as you are saying it would 100% be flagged up as child-protection. Whether or not it is deliberate you step-daughter sounds like she is being neglected by her mother if she is coming to you smelling so badly and her father is facilitating this by not stepping up and addressing the issue when she is with him/speaking up to her mother about her poor hygiene. I agree with others that you should have had this conversation privately with her father but as someone who has worked with children like this I understand how ill it can make you and how you may have not been able to act rationally about it.