To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

My kids have had daily baths or showers since the day they were the born so I think your hygiene standards are normal OP, surely a daily shower is normal even for children?

I think there is some truth in what a PP pointed out - you are angry at the wrong person , it’s your DH you need to be cross at, not DSD.

Have a proper chat with him about it - make your expectations that he is responsible for her washing and washing her clothes etc.

I think you may be embarrassed to remember this episode when your young children are 12, OP.
Many pre-teens go through a shower refusal phase, and reminders and gentle chiding is the way forward. She clearly tried with the perfume and you over reacted - she can't do anything right basically. How is she going to talk about periods and friendship issues with the people she lives with Fri-Mon? Instead she may not want to come at all which would be a shame for your DH.
I personally think you owe her an apology by admitting you forget she's not 5 years old and need to learn. Perhaps the pair of you could go shopping for teen deodorants and body sprays and nice PJs, clothes and underwear e.g. from hollister or Brandy Melville. You can't just buy her stuff you think works (for adults) and leave it in her room.
You need to work on the relationship. It doesn't sound like you like her much and she must know that and be sad about it.

Why has your husband not brought his daughter up with appropriate hygiene? He and his ex have failed the dd.

What did you actually say to her?

It sounds like the issue is your DH not doing proper parenting and leaving you to do her washing. But whatever you said to her when you couldn’t ‘hold your tongue’ clearly really upset her and that was a shitty thing to do to a 12 year old.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

I think giving a child anti allergy medicine cos she's gone a bit ott with her perfume, is a slight overreaction.

I agree, it's ridiculous. The poor child can't win. Probably made a big effort so sm doesn't complain about her hygiene or might have hoped sm woul comment on the pleasant smell. Best thing you could have done Op to encourage sd is comment on how nice she smelt, talk about ordering her some other toiletries etc. Instead, you moan about having to give a dc Piriton...

Poor girl. Two shit parents.

"Handle it like like you’d want your own kid to be handled." Agree with this.

I think you should be raising this firmly with DH and very gently with her.

My kids have a shower after school and then a Kitkat & access to tech - that's their routine.

DS plays a lot off sport at school and whiffs when he comes home. So it's not unheard of.

And its not necessarily all hygiene - hormones will be playing their part.

Boarding schools wouldn't allow a week of not washing. Shower every night, clothes in washing basket every night, clean, ironed clothes on beds for morning. Tooth brushing is also done. We keep spares of all hygiene products as well in case they are forgotten. Oh and not check every Monday!
This is something her parents need to talk to her and deal with sensitively. My middle child went smelly when they reached puberty, it took a while of gentle reminders, talking about it, buying the products they wanted, never letting up but not making them feel bad as it is normal, but so is dealing with it!

Nit not not!

Right, I’ve changed my vote because she’s only 12. She hasn’t been shown hygiene properly. Deodorants, washing, changing pants, getting showered, teeth etc.
I think it was unfair to call her smelly and more tact was needed on your part. I’m not surprised they’ve gone out for the day, I’m sure she’s embarrassed, poor girl.

YABVU to get angry, and very insensitive too. Your own children might rebel in the future after years of doing things your way. I did, I lived in a pigsty for 3 years after leaving home. The whole situation would benefit from a heart felt apology to DSD and seperatley to your DH too. I hope she still wants to come to see her dad. She needs to improve but she doesn't need to meet your exacting standards, and needs some sensitive support.

It's really difficult when you're a step parent, the issue needs addressing, and the parent does not seem to step in. Personal hygiene is so tricky, particularly for female children to talk to their dad about. However, if you're doing the washing, it is ok to mention it, but maybe in a sensitive ' shall we go and choose some nice smellies together ' way.
I am in the same situation but my SD is now a young adult who still does not wash, doesn't dispose of STs in a bin, and leaves dirty clothes and litter in her room. We have had many battles, discussions and negotiations over the years, I have now given up, her dad tries but it's been allowed to continue for too long. The answer is to not let it become a battleground between you and her, but between you and her dad.

Perhaps the pair of you could go shopping for teen deodorants and body sprays and nice PJs, clothes and underwear e.g. from hollister or Brandy Melville WTF. Why should OP be buying her branded pants. She can cope with a 5 pack of knickers from M&S. And her dad can buy them.

Poor girl. Try to be kind. She is entering puberty and it’s tricky. My DD is bookish and not remotely interested in how she looks (other than being excellent brushing her teeth). She is just 15 now but I still have to encourage her to shower (treat after a shower such as a hot chocolate), set up a little area in the bathroom for her toiletries, making it really nice. Help her keep her room tidy. Sundays we spend a little grooming time together and I remind her if she needs to shave her legs (just below knees) or wash her hair.

I know you just have her for the weekend but it’s opportunity to help her. Her mum is letting her down but you could help once a week.

@Mackmama

I think I’m probably only posting on here cause I know I’ve overreacted, I just find it so frustrating. I have tried all the gently suggesting, taking her for toiletries etc but I know I just need to shut my mouth and let DP deal with it.

Sounds like you've tried being tactful. Suggest you talk to her dad when she's not about. One of mine was like this at similar age. Ignored tact and then flew into a rage if when I was more blunt. It's easier when it's your own child and really her parents (mother ideally, as same sex)should be talking to her. Is mum overwhelmed?

I was with you until you told her off about the perfume. She's 12, she has years of learning how to get this right!! I was at school in the 90's and you either stank of impulse, lynx, or BO!
If her mother is so lax with her during the week she won't magically realise she needs to shower at the weekend. I would say you do need to address it (ideally a chat between your husband and DSD'S mother needs to happen) but if he won't do it you need to go about it gently because at the minute the poor girl can't win

In my experience, the more you try to force a child to wash, the less they do. She doesn't want to discuss this with her dad and it's clear that her mum doesn't care, so you need to address this sensitively. Buy her some nice toiletries that she doesn't have to share with anyone and find a time when it's just the two of you to have a bit of a girly chat. The poor kid is coping with huge changes in her life whilst being passed between two parents so just be kind to her.

Let your younger kids get a bit more mucky too. They don't need their hair washed every night, or even bathing. It's fine to let them wear clothes for more than a day. Don't let your anxiety rub off on your stepdaughter, as I think that's as much of an issue as her not washing regularly.

Stop doing her laundry: tell your DH he'll be doing it going forward or she will. And he will also be responsible for ensuring she is clean, and that her room is cleaned/aired out regularly. Or they can both leave.

He's doing her no favours by not addressing her lack of hygiene.

So what financial contribution is your partner making to ensure that she has a change or two of uniform?

I'd focus on the teeth and forget the rest for the moment. If her parents haven't, take her to the dentist and get her teeth checked out. The hygeine may work itself out but that's no use if she gets tooth decay in her adult teeth in the meantime.

So many issues here. Does mum wash, does dad wash. Does school have concerns.

If a child doesn't have any care during the week are they eating properly is their home life chaotic

Poor kid who needs someone to care

Poor cleanliness can be an indicator of abuse sometimes.

I don't think losing your temper was the best way to deal with this. She'll never come to you for anything now. A calm chat might have worked better.

she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable

I don't think it's reasonable either but for different reasons. You told her she smells. She took steps to rectify that and it gave you another outrage wedgie. Was the antihistamine really necessary? It's not even cold yet. An open window might have done the same job.