To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

You shouldn't have to have someone in your home who smells. It's anti social and simply unacceptable. I'd be the same if someone smelled in my home.

I think she will thank you in the long run for setting clear rules. She needs to shower once a day and put clean clothes on every day. End of discussion.

I would try and see if this runs deeper though. When I am getting low hygiene is the very first thing to go. If she is depressed or something else is going on, that will need to be dealt with.

Poor cleanliness can be an indicator of abuse sometimes.

Usually in that the child is being neglected or not allowed to wash. That does not seem to be the case here. Some kids just don't like to wash.

It's neglectful to let your kid smell like that.
Your DH isn't doing her any favours.
Saying that, a kind, private conversation about it was all that needed to be had for now to encourage her to wash.

This is how I feel to be honest. All I’ve ever tried to do is care about my SDD while trying very hard not to cross the line by acknowledging I’m not actually her mum. I think this is why I’m so frustrated and I can’t really see that it’s going to change or get any better. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.

So if she had a bath last night, did she just spray herself wih something this morning rather than a wash/shower?

I think you need to apologise & then leave it to her dad to step up.

Does she see your kids getting bathed every night & you & her dad bathing/showering everyday?

@FrankButchersDickieBow

I think giving a child anti allergy medicine cos she's gone a bit ott with her perfume, is a slight overreaction.

Yes. I agree. Is this more about her and what she represents (past relationship and child) than her hygiene? You were being cruel and treating her differently in front of your children.

Poor kid

Why is she not with her mum at least EOW?

It's lovely that you care, OP. It's just a shame that neither of her parents seem to.

What is your DH'S relationship with her mum? Is this something that they could discuss and agree on a way forward?

Poor girl - her parents need to be teaching her about personal hygiene (they should already have done so obviously). I was always fairly blunt with my teens - they don't do subtle hints. But it needs to come from a parent, your DP needs to step up and help his DD if her mother won't. otherwise she is going to get picked on at school. I have found with mine that early teen kids can go almost overnight from being manky little herberts to showering an changing clothes several times a day and then dousing themselves with Lynx.

I feel sorry for your DSD because she's obviously tried to improve by putting on a load of perfume - complaining it was too strong was a bad move - she'll feel she can;t do anything right. Toiletries should be encouraged and when she has started using them then you can get her to gradually tone it down a bit. Or buy her something more subtle.

I'd institute some house rules that apply to everyone. Shower when you get up, teeth cleaned before you come down in the morning, also mouth wash. Clean underwear, t shirt etc every day, washing in the laundry basket (which your DP will do, not you) Write them out and ask if they have been done and if not send her to do them.

Your DP is letting her down badly if he doesn't sort this out.

I don't see why people are leaping to the conclusion that you've screamed abuse at her... did you? I've assumed you've just bluntly said 'look kid, you smell pretty bad and need a bath'...

This might sound daft but, at that age, I did need telling, a 'ok now it's bath time/shower time' or 'get in the bath at 6' or whatever.

At home, no one did, my parents were/are fairly soap dodgery, bathing a couple of times a week, weekend and midweek... strip washing the rest of the time but I did not witness that, as those things happened after my bedtime/in their own room.

There was no scheduled 'bath time', and everything in our house ran late, so there never appeared to be a logical time to bath.

When staying at friends houses, I'd be told.. 'showers are at x time, get in the queue' or 'we shower in the morning' or 'when would you like to bath/shower, do you need help running the bath/seeing how the shower works' and so I never had any issue bathing/showering when staying with friends.

so could that be an issue, she's just unaware of WHEN she has time/bathroom access to do this?

@Mackmama

I think I’m probably only posting on here cause I know I’ve overreacted, I just find it so frustrating. I have tried all the gently suggesting, taking her for toiletries etc but I know I just need to shut my mouth and let DP deal with it.

I’ll tell you what I’d do now - you may not fancy it as an approach but I believe being honest with DC and letting them know we get it wrong as adults do sometimes and have our own hang ups is important. So I’d say

DSD, I’m really sorry we’ve fallen out about showering and I shouldn’t have lost my temper about the perfume, I was wrong about that. It’s just that I’m really a bit obsessive about hygiene stuff, and I know that’s different to people who are a bit more laidback but it’s really important to me knowing everyone is clean. So I don’t want it to be a fight all the time - can we agree it’s always a shower or a bath every night at this house? I don’t want to upset you but I also can’t not say anything if I think you’re not washing properly- I’d hate you to get teased and it’s really hard to smell ourselves like other people do. But I’m sorry for handling it badly, that was my fault for over-reacting.

That's extremely poor management by her own mother though - ugh!
No doubt she's at least part way through puberty and probably has to have it explained to her that she must start to wash and be more hygienic or she WILL smell, and that will almost certainly lead to bullying.

It's neglectful of both her father and her mother to not instruct her in this!

Now I'm going to be "that person" but only because I have extended family members with this situation - are there any learning difficulties of any kind? In my extended family are 2 adult DC with LDs - mild to moderate - who can't remember/understand/notice the basics of personal hygiene without being reminded daily.
If this isn't the case, then is she just being resistant and lazy? But even if she is, it's still neglectful parenting to let her get away with it!

Poor cleanliness can be an indicator of abuse sometimes.

Usually in that the child is being neglected or not allowed to wash. That does not seem to be the case here. Some kids just don't like to wash.

And also in not wanting to be naked in their own home. A shower is a point of vulnerability.

I do agree that some (alot of?) kids just don't like to wash, aromatic little blighters!

Maybe ask her if she’s asking washing in the bath? I remember when I was a similar age and I’d just sit in the bath pissing around with empty bottles and get out without actually washing a thing

If she needs encouragement, maybe get some cheap bits from b&m like nice shower gels, loafers etc and just let her know they are there for her to use and see how she gets on.

Her parents are borderline negligent and it's impacting on you and your DC, so you've taken it out on her (and, if you're a tad obsessive about cleanliness, the smell and poor hygiene must be excruciating to deal with).
However, you have shamed a 12 year old girl and she will carry this with her (the shame). Please do connection/repair with her.
If her father will actually be reasonable and listen, are you able to have a serious chat about this?
Please tread carefully with DSD.

I put yabu just on the basis of the way you have gone about things shouting and arguing with her dad when she is in the house isn't acceptable. You could have had a chat about some decorants a flannel for her own use get her some bath bombs some nice toiletries.

YABVU../you married a Disney Dad and then are mad at the child because your husband doesn't parent her properly. It's his fault, not her fault.
Are your children his? I simply don't understand women like you.

I'm surprised she's not being bullied about it at school. Maybe she is and doesn't know how to ask for help.

Well someone needed to tell her she skinks and if mum and dad can’t be arsed then unfortunately it’s feel you on the OP.

Rather the SM tell her and her actually do something about it than the bullies notice and she’s know as BO Betty for the rest of her school days!

I just asked my DSD (who is 12), if she was a bit smelly, would she want to know, even if it meant she got a bit embarrassed. She said Yes!

@pickingdaisies

Oh the poor girl. So now she's just found out that she smells? And in her self-consciousness she's found something perfumed and that's wrong too? Are you for real?

My first reaction too. I'm going to carry on reading in the hope that you'll drip feed some kindness somewhere.

I will never understand how anyone can be attracted to a person who parents so badly. He should be doing everything he can to support her, encourage her and try to make a difference while at her mums.

He should be talking to his ex, washing her clothes himself. Taking her shopping to find products she likes.

He should be doing everything he can to help her. Children are cruel, she will be picked on, talked about and bullied. It makes me so fucking angry, I was the smelly child with the unkempt hair and clothes because nobody gave a big enough shit to teach me.

I've tried hard to not go the other way with my children, but we talk about personal hygiene, they get to pick products that they like and know how to put a clothes was on.

I've told them that as they go through the teen years there will be children in their class who smell, and that they are to be kind and never comment. I could just never live with a man who didn't care enough about his child to help her.

@ReginaaPhalange

I just asked my DSD (who is 12), if she was a bit smelly, would she want to know, even if it meant she got a bit embarrassed. She said Yes!

Yes, my 13yo DS is the same. He started puberty early, not quite 11, and we had to have the chat about washing and deodorants etc. at that point - he's pretty good but sometimes he'll walk past and I'll have to say "mate, that t-shirt needs to go in the wash now, put a clean one on". If he minds, he doesn't say so - apart from whinging about having to change out of his favourite band t-shirt into a not-so-favourite one!

Look. The poor girl (if you're right about what happens at home) has no role model and has never been taught personal hygiene. If she is genuinely wearing the same clothes every day (and I'm not sure how you'd know that) then it's borderline neglect. I grew up with the same kind of neglect and I look back and shudder. I remember a teacher asking me if I'd just been swimming. My hair looked wet, but it was actually grease.

You need to apologise to her for being so blunt and for your overreaction to the fragrance spray. The latter was nuts, frankly.

Then talk to her about getting older and the increased need for hygiene. There's no way this hasn't been mentioned in school sex ed did it won't come as a shock.

Let her know that the house rule here is a daily shower and clean clothes each day (with a pass on jeans and knitwear/ hoodies etc).

Sounds awful and your husband is a waster.

Stop doing ANYTHING for either of them.
No cooking, laundry.

I hope you haven't given up your job for.

Does he do anything practical for your children?

If not, think good and hard about whether you want to continue with this relationship.