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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

194 replies

Mackmama · 18/09/2021 13:13

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

OP posts:

LolaRoses · 18/09/2021 13:26

I think at this age you have to be to the point but in a fairly sensitive way. My daughter wasn't keen on washing or showering at her age but I'd just say repeatedly 'you need to have a shower' making the point that she needs one but without directly saying 'you smell!'. If she didn't go and have one I'd start the shower, put a fresh towel in the bathroom and go and tell her to get in the shower now.

ReginaaPhalange · 18/09/2021 13:26

Let your partner deal with the washing.

Agree with PP, usually by the age of 12, she will become aware of her peers etc.

I don't think giving your child piriton is an over reaction - certain perfumes trigger my husbands asthma and his inhaler and an anti histamine helped, so ignore PP who said it was an over reaction.

I'd take her shopping and let her pick out some nice toiletries and bath bombs -
It might encourage her to want to have a bath and wash etc. How about offering to dry and straighten her hair for her if she washes it. She might come to enjoy this time and look forward to it :)

BrutusMcDogface · 18/09/2021 13:27

You really shouldn’t wash young children’s hair every day! There’s just no need. Clean clothes and a daily bath isn’t that extreme (though we do every other day).

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 18/09/2021 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 13:28

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week. that's up to her and her parents.

I'd ask your DH to make sure she washes when she stays with you.

niceupthedanceagain · 18/09/2021 13:28

YANBU
But have you asked DSD if she knows how to/when to change and wash her own clothes during the week if mum isn't doing it?
Also I think I would have bought some fresh flannels, nice soap and deodorant and had a little chat with her first (although agree dad should be addressing it with mum also).

Sundancerintherain · 18/09/2021 13:29

She needs parenting. Your DH needs to step up if there mum hasn't.

Original poster

Mackmama · 18/09/2021 13:30

I think I’m probably only posting on here cause I know I’ve overreacted, I just find it so frustrating. I have tried all the gently suggesting, taking her for toiletries etc but I know I just need to shut my mouth and let DP deal with it.

OP posts:

Foghead · 18/09/2021 13:30

How about her dad buying her a book like How to be an Awesome Teenager and they can open a discussion about her becoming a teenager, spots, hygiene and all that stuff.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 13:30

And getting angry at her isn't going to help.

In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation don't do her washing I don't know who is expecting you to do that but you can stop and don't buy her new clothes she has parents to do that.

Atla · 18/09/2021 13:30

Ah, just read your update - if she's at her mum's during the week, dirty and wearing the same clothes that sounds like borderline neglect. You don't know that for sure however.

I'm sure she is used to her own smell, as it were

Atla · 18/09/2021 13:30

...and can't smell herself

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 18/09/2021 13:31

Plenty of children wear the same pieces of uniform: shirt, jumper, trousers or skirt all week then change when they get home.
Some don't even change when they get home so can easily be wearing the same clothes for 5 days running but possibly with a daily change of underwear.

It's really not that unusual.

Ughmaybenot · 18/09/2021 13:32

@Mackmama

I think the sad thing really is that she’s taking the brunt of your frustration at your DP being an inadequate parent.

victoriaspongecake · 18/09/2021 13:32

She will thank you in time for being honest.
Buy her some smellies etc for her own use. Own towel etc.
Tell her that in your house she needs to shower once or twice a day, whatever you feel appropriate and needs to clean her teeth twice a day.
No half hearted excuse of saving the planet / making her embarrassed etc.
Shes at your house. She needs to be clean. End of.

Sleepyblueocean · 18/09/2021 13:35

Is there a reason why she isn't washing etc?

Bathing/showering every day isn't a necessity and wasn't common place until fairly recently although obviously if she smells there is a hygiene problem.

CloudsandTeacups · 18/09/2021 13:35

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

This is way too over the top. There is no way infant kids need to be bathed this frequently. I would suggest potentially some of the issue is your own creation. She's only 12. I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to have worked out good hygiene. They are at the very beginning of a complicated journey through their teenage years. I think you need to apologise to both your husband and step-daughter. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't forgive you though.

AGreenerShadeofKale · 18/09/2021 13:36

No point being annoyed with a 12 year old

Bagamoyo1 · 18/09/2021 13:36

@MrsScrubbithatescleaning

Plenty of children wear the same pieces of uniform: shirt, jumper, trousers or skirt all week then change when they get home. Some don't even change when they get home so can easily be wearing the same clothes for 5 days running but possibly with a daily change of underwear.

It's really not that unusual.

Do you think that’s OK?

m0therofdragons · 18/09/2021 13:37

You’ve acknowledged you over reacted. Go and speak to her. You say I’m sorry I over reacted and I’ve let things build up without speaking to you but we need to have a chat. Maybe take her shopping for nice wash stuff but be clear re expectations on showering. I have 3 dds and one will avoid at all costs. I did being nice but moved to dd you need a shower… stop arguing you actually smell so go and get clean. I was that blunt because she didn’t see why it was necessary!

Freddiefox · 18/09/2021 13:38

@pickingdaisies

Oh the poor girl. So now she's just found out that she smells? And in her self-consciousness she's found something perfumed and that's wrong too? Are you for real?

This, she tired, and like kids do got it a bit wrong.

But I feel sorry for her. Rather than arguing could you not take her aside and talk to her? Other kids at school must notice and I’m sure are unkind to her.

Aurorashields99 · 18/09/2021 13:38

@Mackmama

Oh well fair enough op, we all lose our rags at times. I think you need to apologise to her though and explain gently why you are exasperated.

From your dp's point of view, I imagine he feels guilt for leaving the family home and therefore his daughter, so may feel his relationship with her is more fragile than he would like, hence his lack of willingness to encourage her to wash. He is wrong of course to wriggle out of this.

Also, if you don't mind me saying so op, you sound a bit obsessive about cleanliness with your own DC. Of course cleanliness and instilling a certain amount of discipline in to it is important, but your relationship with them is most important of all. There's a balance to be struck! Same with your add. Good luck.

Freddiefox · 18/09/2021 13:40

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

So does she really smell? Or is it your issue because you overly clean? Do others think she smells?

Aurorashields99 · 18/09/2021 13:40

sdd not add!

Fcuk38 · 18/09/2021 13:42

Why an argument? Could you have just not taken her aside and said “come on you need to shower before dinner, there’s a new shower gel in the bathroom and I’ve brought you some smellies to try out . The poor girl has obvs tried this morning and has put too much of something on and rather than helping her you have moaned.
Bloody weird tbh. Handle it like like you’d want your own kid to be handled .

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