To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

I too feel sorry for the girl. You said she smells and you suspect she is wearing same clothes all week and not washing. That is a clear sign of neglect in her home life with her mum. I knew a girl like this and her mum was a hoarder. She literally couldn’t wash clothes or bathe/shower because the house was a rubbish tip. I think you need to be gentle with her and also have blunt discussion with her dad. Something isn’t right and the girls poor hygiene is evidence of it.

@YouJustDoYou

A lot of them like to follow the trend of "saving the planet" by not washing for days and days.

Really? That might be a half arsed attempt at justifying their laziness but it won't be the reason.

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

You wash your kids hair everyday???

It strips the oils. My hairdresser says that the longer you can go. The better it is for your hair.

Blimey. Daily hair washing.

Your DSD has a Dad problem.
He needs to cut the Disney shite and parent her.
He needs to tell her from now on Shower or bath is daily (choose morning or evening depending on what works). Fresh clothes every day. When she’s with you it’s his responsibility to parent her and maybe it’ll sink in and she’ll do it at home in the week herself.

I’m telling you now, if she stinks that bad her life at school will be destroyed. I work in a secondary school and kids are mean. They will spot it. They will label her. They will bully her.

Her Dad needs to grow a spine.

Ps if we saw a child smelly or unwashed at school we also report it as low level concern so that it adds to our safeguarding picture.

OP you identified the problem yourself in your OP - you said your husband’s a Disney dad. The problem is that you married a Disney dad, had children of your own with him and are now losing your temper at his child for his parenting failures.

I honestly don’t know how you fix that but I would have thought a serious talk with him is the first step - if you’re going to lose your temper with anyone it should be him first!

I think soap-dodging is fairly common for pre-teens - it's obviously not ideal but I remember going through a similar phase myself. There was nothing wrong with me - I was just lazy and couldn't be bothered

However, my parents didn't allow me to go a week without washing - it was every other day at an absolute minimum. 12 year olds sweat and smell and they need to wash regularly - it shouldn't be an option. In DSD's case, home from school on Friday should mean uniform goes in the wash and DSD goes straight in the shower. I would enforce the same thing on Sunday night - either before she goes home or before she goes to school the next day.

Obviously in your case this probably needs to come from her dad as opposed to you, but it needs to become part of her routine when she comes to stay. IMO it's not acceptable to let a 12 year old child get into that state.

My DS (13) has gone through phases of shower avoidance and sometimes seems to take pleasure in being smelly.😂 His best attempt was four days during the summer holidays, at which point I told him bluntly that he was a stinker and needed to shower ASAP.

But this is different. No, the OP shouldn’t have lost her temper, but her DSD is being borderline neglected IMO if she’s going to school dirty and wearing the same clothes ( including underwear) for a week. That’s not on and her DH needs to speak to his ex about it.

As PP’s have suggested, I’d apologize when they get back and say that you just wanted her to be clean and comfortable over the weekend. Then speak separately to your ex about the hygiene concerns and lack of clean clothing. He needs to address it. Poor girl, she probably is being bullied about it at school.☹️

12 year olds are at a very delicate stage. Their hormones change and they can be a lot more smelly than they were. They can dislike their changing bodies and want to avoid thinking about them altogether. They can be much harder to deal with than younger children, no matter how gently they have been brought up.

You've knowledged that you've gone OTT and we all agreed that this should be the dad sorting it but in your situation if he's not going to do anything about it I would take the lead.
When she gets home, take her to one side apologise for being heavy-handed and just show kindness, concern & explain exactly what she needs to do to keep clean and stop the smells that are inevitable & normal at her age if not addressed but completely preventable. If it's as bad as you say, chances are she'll be all too aware that she smells and will be grateful for some kindness and practical advice. My heart decent roll on deodorant a stack of underwear she can change at her mums that you are happy to wash when she gets to yours and encourage daily showers with thorough cleaning of the important bits.

@Mackmama

My kids are infant school aged and I’m totally neurotic about their cleanliness, they’re bathed, hair washed and clean clothes every day which is perhaps too much the other way.

Step daughter is with her mum during the week and with is Friday to Monday. I believe she wears the same clothes and doesn’t bath all week.

It isn't too much the other way, it's normal. I was the same with mine and also with myself. It feels nice to be clean and wholesome. It was different back in the days when people didn't have efficient methods of heating water, though they could still be very clean if prepared to have a good wash, but nowadays there is no excuse to have bad personal hygiene.

Get your lazy arse dp to parent her. It's not your job to parent your own dc on your own let alone someone else's.

You are stuck in the middle - mother who has not observed this for whatever reason 🙄 and her father . It is up to him to say in your house - do you need clothes laundered /do you want to do do some laundry / do you have enough clothes to change into etc . I do not know why a girl's mother would not be guiding them in this . It is shocking but I guess all women are not particularly clean . Ive been there and seen it through with a specific laundry bag for her as opposed to dropping smelly stained things on the floor. As she got older she got better too.

@Mackmama

This is how I feel to be honest. All I’ve ever tried to do is care about my SDD while trying very hard not to cross the line by acknowledging I’m not actually her mum. I think this is why I’m so frustrated and I can’t really see that it’s going to change or get any better. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.

She had a bath, Mack, so something must have got through to her. Obviously she overdid the fragrance today but all that is necessary is calm but plain speaking, not just about hygiene but consideration for others with whom you are currently sharing space.

Yanbu obviously that she needs to be wearing clean underwear every day, brushing her teeth twice a day and showering regularly. However Yabu about daily showers - that’s not good for your skin, and daily hair washing isn’t good for hair either. She’s at a sensitive age and this needs to be approached delicately. I’d definitely start with the teeth so there isn’t long term damage and maybe try to get her some luxurious stuff like a nice bath bomb so that she wants to have a bath and rather than viewing it as something to avoid.

I know a lot of people advocate to be all soft and kind around this issue because teens are sensitive and mortified about everything - but honestly, anything is enough to cause that mortification so I say be straight and matter of fact.

Obviously should come from her dad first, but I don’t see any issue with just saying come on, shower time. No arguments DSD, you need a shower after a week at school.

Some kids are just never taught how to not be smelly (and she might be one if neither of her parents will say anything) and would she or you rather the message comes from you or from her teacher? Or her first boss? Or a friend or boyfriend? Or bullies? I now what I would prefer.

How is she otherwise? I only ask because anxiety and low mood can greatly affect self care and personal hygiene.
If she lacks energy and interest in other aspects of life, there may be other issues at play here. Tread carefully OP. I hope she’s ok, it sounds to me like she may be struggling.

@Mackmama

I think I’m probably only posting on here cause I know I’ve overreacted, I just find it so frustrating. I have tried all the gently suggesting, taking her for toiletries etc but I know I just need to shut my mouth and let DP deal with it.

But DP isn;t dealing with it.

He's either ignoring it completely, or leaving it for you to do.

Why does he feel it's acceptable not to have a kindly chat with his own child about personal hygiene?
Why is he not washing his own child's clothing, ensuring she has clean towels, taking her shopping for nice toiletries?

I'm thinking the same about her mother too - but you're not in a relationship with her mother. Stop letting your DP get away with being wet & lazy.

Until you & DP are on the same page, it's going to continue being an issue.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

I think giving a child anti allergy medicine cos she's gone a bit ott with her perfume, is a slight overreaction.

Indeed.

I'm brutal about hygiene. Nobody specially children should smell rancid. It's not fair for them or anyone else.
She most be in year 7-8 and children are blunt. I much rather protect her than let her be at school smelling of BO.
It's cruel and bad parenting. Your partner needs to do some parenting and guide her to have good personal habits.
Shame both parents aren't making sure their daughter isn't going to be bullied at school.

@OceanTulip22 there's always one!! What a delight you are!

Didn't your mother ever tell you if you couldn't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!

This isn’t that unusual at that age, they need blunt conversations about why it’s unacceptable not to shower or bath every day and wear clean clothes.

One of mine was soap shy for a while. She used to get out the bath dry from the nips up and try to tell me she had washed thoroughly 🤣

@FrankButchersDickieBow it depends. Certain perfumes trigger my husbands asthma off and he finds taking his inhaler and an anti histamine helps. OP hasn't stated it their child has a health condition, so it's hard to say if it's an over reaction or not.

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@OceanTulip22 there's always one!! What a delight you are!

Didn't your mother ever tell you if you couldn't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! [/quote]
Kind of like how OP has been unkind to an innocent child?! Should’ve spoke again to her sad or her mum but not a child.