To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

My youngest ds has only just recently started with the sweaty smell. He bathes every night and changes daily, but still smells by the end of the day. Even with using spray. I think its the age.

I'd be so upset if his dads girlfriend was making comments like that around him. Theyre self conscious enough at that age

Kids can be fairly revolting at this age. 2 out of 3 of my DDs were/are stinky at this age and needed dragging to the shower and nagged relentlessly to brush their teeth. So in my view it's fairly normal. But you do need to keep telling them that it's not ok. DH needs to step up and talk to her. It's awkward for you as stepmum so you have to tread carefully. Don't let it become your battle. Don't do her washing. Let him take responsibility.

Your dp is being a bad father. How long has the poor hygiene been going on for? On the face of it, a long term issue with filthy underwear, unbrushed teeth and extreme body odour is evidence of neglect. At 12, she is still young enough that her parents should be tackling this, not pretending she is neglecting herself after having been set the right example.

The dad should bring it up with her mother. Yes they need regular showers at this age

It's probably a bit much to have a go about her hygiene then complain she put on too much fragrance. It's hard to tell if she's actually smelly or you have very high standards. Does her dad think she smells?

Oh dear that sounds pretty harsh.
She may be having a really hard time with puberty, and probably was humiliated by you telling her she smells sweaty.
Where is her mother?
Can the mother not advise her in basic hygiene?
If not the mother, her dad needs to advise her.

Sucks for you but feel for your stepdaughter more than anything. Obviously not being encouraged by her mother or yours husband. I think you just have to be honest and talk to her about it. Kids at school will pick up on it.

Personal hygiene has always been really important to me from a young age, however I had a cousin at school (similar age) who was not taught anything about personal hygiene from a young age by her mum. Her body odour was all round horrific, hair greasy etc. the smell was that bad kids were complaining to the head of year. As bad as it sounds now as a teen I used to get paranoid people thought I would smell too as we looked alike and have the same surname!

The smell and lack of hygiene isn't great and yanbu to address it. But to tell a 12 year old she stinks then also make a big deal when she drowns herself in perfume is cruel. Poor girl

DS is 12 and other DS is nearly 14. Ds12 has literally just started smelling this year and ds14 started this year last year so your step daughter is actually just at that age and so she won't yet be fully aware of it. I know I have Sons but oh my god I was not ready at how much they stank when they started smelling so as people said please calm down and please go easy on her, all this is a learning thing. And talk to your husband but don't talk to him him the mood you are in at the moment because to be honest if you speak the way you're speaking now nothing will get sorted

What is her mother like? Most mums of teenage daughters would be so upset about this - does her mum not try to help her? She is probably getting picked on at school if she smells? How did she react to your comments - was she embarrassed or could t care less? I see both sides, I know I’m overly obsessed with cleanliness so no way I could cope with this but equally she is a 12 year old child who needs help. Hope you manage to get it sorted x

There's nothing wrong with telling kids they need a wash. Pussyfooting around the issue helps no-one.

It’s neglect if she doesn’t wash all week, and wears the same clothes.

Was her mum always like this when she was younger?

Even if she was 5 it’s not often enough to wash/ change clothes

I’m having the same problem with DD1 (also 12). It’s such a battle to get her to have a bath or a shower and during lockdown her hair became really matted and she refused to brush it or let us near enough to do it. It’s cut short now, thankfully, and she’s a lot better at taking care of it.

She also regularly refuses to change her underwear every day. We always provide her with clean clothes and I keep reminding her to put on clean underwear but I sometimes still find that she hasn’t done so after she’s gone to school. It’s so tough to keep on top of it.

I think in her case it’s down to her attachment issues connected with her adoption and her various SEN. By contrast, DD2 (9) is fastidious about her appearance.

Oh dear ...

Can I ask @Mackmama do her clothes smell after they've been washed? Or are they generally ok?

If the sweat has embedded into the fabric it may still stink when she puts the clothes back on. You can put a cup of white vinegar in with the wash of her clothes and this will help that

Obv she needs a good wash too! But just so that it doesn't upset her if she does and her clothes still smell x

Does she actually understand that after cleaning herself she also needs clean underwear, fresh deodorant then clean clothes?
This is a failing of her parents not you… their failure to address is will be affecting her at school and you’ve having to deal with the upshot of it. Take it up with her dad, and be very clear that he needs to get her to a suitable level of personally hygiene.

@Mackmama

This is how I feel to be honest. All I’ve ever tried to do is care about my SDD while trying very hard not to cross the line by acknowledging I’m not actually her mum. I think this is why I’m so frustrated and I can’t really see that it’s going to change or get any better. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.

Voted YABU based on how you say you reacted to her.

I understand you are frustrated, try not to take it out in a temper and be careful how you frame things.

Agree with PP that an honest apology for the way you reacted is necessary to rebuild trust and that giving her parameters to work within such as bath or shower at night or morning, remember to brush your teeth etc.

A gentle conversation about it seems needed, don't drop hints actually sit and talk about it. Teach her your routine if you've got one. Remind her that it's important to change clothes especially underwear because UTIs and infections are not pleasant. Tell her what to do if she notices she's getting a bit pongy.

It really sounds like she was self conscious and over sprayed with scent because of it.

You are cut out for it, you are just feeling awful because you know you could have handled it better. Dust yourself off, remind yourself that all parents make mistakes and snap occasionally I'm sure you're a very good SM and parent really.

Maybe direct your anger at your dp who can’t be bothered to parent. He should be washing her clothes and making sure she has enough school uniform to not have to wear the same day after day. Snapping at a 12 year old going through puberty who gets carted between households is a really shitty thing to do

[quote Cameleongirl]@RosiePosieDozy. No, her parents are neglecting her, not the OP.

I think the OP recognizes that she’s handled this situation badly and needs to make amends. But her DSD’s Mum and Dad need to step up and ensure their daughter is clean and has clean clothes available to her. If the OP is willing to help, that’s great, but it’s not her responsibility.[/quote]
To be honest, I think anyone in a position of responsibility for a child who doesn't help them is neglecting them. A step parent also has responsibility. It should be up to the child's mum and dad but if they're not doing the right thing, I think the step parent/s should step up and help the child.

I think it’s sad how some young people don’t get the support they need to understand that personal hygiene is important. There’s a young man with mild learning difficulties who helps in a shop I go into, he smells really bad, his teeth are green. Sometimes its obvious he’s sprayed lots of deodorant on, but the underlying dirty clothes, dirty body smell is rank. Sad thing is, he lives at home with at least one parent.

As some parents must have poor personal hygiene themselves, I’d have thought it could be taught in schools? Bathing every day wasn’t the norm when I grew up, but we knew to strip wash!

OP is in a difficult position as step parent, her DP has to step up, even if it means tackling the girl’s mum.