To be annoyed at my step daughter’s lack of personal hygiene and my husbands reaction to it?

[Mackmama]

My step daughter stays with is every weekend. Her personal hygiene has always been poor, disgusting underwear, never brushing teeth etc. She arrived last night after a week at school and the smell was absolutely horrendous, she changed but didn’t shower and somehow the smell was worse. DP is a Disney dad who won’t say anything to either her or his ex for fear of causing upset. In the meantime I’m expected just to scoop up the clothes and wash them without passing comment. I bought her new tights, underwear and shirts to try and help the situation but unfortunately last night I failed to hold my tongue which ended up with me and her dad arguing. She had a bath in the end but this morning she’s put so much of some kind of fragrance on I’ve had to give one of my kids piriton which I don’t think is reasonable. I’m furious and lost my temper and now my husband has taken her out for the day to get her away from her awful step mother. Am I unreasonable to be annoyed?

@OceanTulip22 as many PPs have said, children can be cruel. As I stated earlier, I asked my DSD (12) if she would want to know if she was smelly, even if it meant she was embarrassed, and she said yes.

Sometimes it's cruel to be kind.

It’s up to her father to address these issues, yes the smell isn’t great for you but I’m not sure what else you can do. If her underwear is disgusting, then I’d be concerned about her getting infections. Surely her mother would have noticed this and also the school would notice, as personal neglect in children can be a red flag, also signify mental health problems.

I have OCD - you have an issue I am sorry - washing your primary school children that much. Honestly don't project your issues on to her. Just because you say she smells and is dirty - your yard stick is washing your kids from top to toe everynight so I am guessing there is a middle ground. The way you spoke of your DSD I thought she was 15 - she's 12 and just a child - way to go to give her a complex. You could have got away with the shower thing but then the complaints of her perfume - gentle suggestion not complaints at any age.

My heart breaks for this little girl. Something isn't right here.
Has anyone ever had a conversation about personal hygiene with her?
Both her mother and father in my opinion are a disgrace not acting on this matter.

A child needs a sensitive, guiding hand through these years and it sounds like she's just left to her own.

💐 for you op, I think you lost it because you care and want the best for this little girl. I understand that you are in a tricky position but could you take her under your wing as a friend/sister type of role model and guide her in these issues.

Also is her mental health ok? If she's depressed or if something is going on then maybe the not washing is a side of that.

Either the child really doesn’t care that she smells or for some crazy reason neither parent has ever sat her down and talked about cleaning herself and using deodorant which also seems bonkers.

My 9 year old dd has her own little roll on and knows how to use it as we as free access to body sprays and it’s been drummed in about washing properly since toddler age about washing ears and belly buttons and stinky toes, and armpits etc how she’s got to 12 and not possibly been taught this is crazy.

It’s taken my dd (13) a long while to put deodorant on. I finally established roll on wasn’t going to fly so switched to spray and it’s worked. She goes through lazy stages of not bothering about showering or not wanting to shower as her hair will need to be straightened again. So she needs to be reminded to shower at times. Teeth brushing was an issue for a long time. But that is cracked now.

It doesn’t sound as if you’ve done anything wrong in finally saying enough and making hygiene a non negotiable boundary. This is your home too. However, you were probably too harsh and you need to repair. So I’d go with an apology and have a chat with your dsd about how you care about her and it can’t feel nice to be dirty / you’re worried she will eventually get bullied. Then tell her how to get clean.

It sounds as if your dsd hasn’t been taught how to take care of herself. So here’s what my dd has as teen essentials:

Spray on deodorant

• Body spray - VIctoria Secret, a lot of girls seem to use VS (to take in her school bag) - cheapest at b&m or can buy at Superdrug but primark do some lovely cheaper ones.
• Dd has a different hair type from me and she uses separate shampoo and conditioner.
• Sudocreme to put on spots overnight keeps them at bay.
• Micellar water plus cotton wool pads to cleanse.
• Cheap serum with a dropper (this is important apparently) and cheap face cream. From pound shop are cheaper than boots / Superdrug.

Other items.

• PJs. These seem to be massively important. Dd has loads of different ones from Primark - pocket money spent on PJs.
• Knickers. All Black. Tesco do a 5 pack and quality ok.
• Bra. Teen bras from M&S come in 2/3 packs and good value
• And / Or bra. Primark slip over head style.

Obviously I’m not suggesting that this comes out of your pocket. But perhaps something to think about and go shopping with your dsd. Or xmas gifts etc.

I think you owe her a real apology @Mackmama. She is only 12 and though she’s much older than your children she is ONLY 12! I do agree with you that you shouldn’t have to be the person tackling it.

Rightly or wrongly a lot of children wear uniforms etc for days and at a certain age wearing uniform all week doesn’t mean they smell. They hit puberty and they do start to smell but it creeps up on them and they carry on with their childhood cleanliness habits and don’t seem to be aware. If no adult is talking to them about showering, if no adult is giving them clean uniform, if no adult is helping them negotiate the changes in a firm but gentle way how are they supposed to manage? These physical changes are bewildering enough. As others have said, you should have kept a lid on it and spoken to your DH. He should be picking up the dirty clothes and her parents should be helping her and ultimately it’s not you who are unkind OP, it’s her parents for not recognising how much of an effect her personal hygiene could have on her friendships and sense of self. But no adults should be losing their temper with her over something so personal that she may not know how to handle or may be too embarrassed to ask for help.

you need to be very careful here. Adolescents can be quite stinky. Mine at that age often stink quite soon after bathing or showering and after a day of school, youd easy think they hadnt washed all week.
Im quite sensitive to smell, and as their mum I dont mind telling them when they need to take an extra shower, but im also really careful to tell them that at their age, because of their hormones and puberty its important for them to take more care and its not just them.
It sounds like youve been quite cruel about it though, and if I was the childs mum or dad then I wouldnt be happy about that at all.

At 12 she knows everyone needs to wash! And she definitely doesn't need DSM picking up and washing her dirty clothes. You wouldn't do this for your own DC, I hope. Even at 3 they can pick up and put their dirty things in the laundry basket, and by 12 they can learn to use the washing machine.

If DH thinks she really needs these things doing for her, I assume he has hands?

Your dad's mum should be dealing with this and it is actual neglect for the girl to go through a week without clean clothes and a shower / bath. A child who is a bit smelly after a day at school and/or sports is fine, but letting them carry on for five days that way is not acceptable. Your DH needs to have a serious word with his ex, as she is letting your dsd down badly.

Why isn't the girl's father dealing with her smelly clothes?

This is a difficult situation to deal with, but it must be addressed. DS1 is a nightmare about showering etc and we tried the softly softly approach which didn’t work. We insist he showers each morning and I practically have to stand over him whilst he does his teeth and applies deodorant. I don’t know why he’s so resistant but I pray he grows out of it because it’s beyond irritating. He will put on yesterday’s shirt too if left to his own devices (despite having a wardrobe of clean uniform), so I remove all the clothes from his washing basket each evening.

I sympathise op. It’s bloody hard work when a child is resistant to maintaining their personal hygiene. Your DH and her mum need to get a handle on it ASAP.

@IvySneezes

Ps if we saw a child smelly or unwashed at school we also report it as low level concern so that it adds to our safeguarding picture.

Actually. This is of course. Really important

The school I worked in. Would put this down as a safe guarding concern.

Especially if she’s as bad as you’re making out.

You went about this all wrong I’m afraid. You need to get her on side. I’d be buying her some nice pamper products - bath bombs, hair masks, face masks etc. Then have a pamper night. Get her a lovely dressing gown or some nice lounge wear. Make sure everything is teen friendly! She needs to be coerced into bathing, not bullied. This can be done every Friday when she comes to your house, maybe combined with a family movie and take away.

I think you have been unkind in the way you handled it OP, and totally overreacting with the piriton (makes it seem like she can't do right for doing wrong.) However, it does need sorting.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it already but being unwashed/smelly is a red flag for some kind of bullying or abuse. Her teachers may and should be concerned. It's also a sign of parental neglect, and in this case it does sound like her parents are neglecting her.

Your DP needs to make it clear that teeth brushing, daily showers or at least every-other-day showers, and daily clean clothes are not negotiable. Get her a reward chart or something. They need to help her out and actually parent her with this. Poor girl.

I haven't read the whole thread, this made me feel so sad as she is clearly aware that she smells due to the excessive perfume she sprayed

I'm not saying she is but I was heavily neglected as a child and this could have been me. She's a child, she is 12, I'm sure your children would never smell but imagine if they did?

She's aware now if she wasn't before

I don't believe she smelled 'horrendous' especially when you said you're 'neurotic' about your own kids' cleanliness.

She's doused herself with perfume this morning because it's obviously playing on her mind . The poor girl, I feel sorry for her.

I hate to bring this up. But I was sexually abused by a relative at this girls age and I deliberately stopped washing to try and stop the abuse. My logic was that if I made myself as repulsive as possible, then maybe he’d stop doing those things to me.

Hygiene as bad as you are saying is a definite red flag. Does the mum have a boyfriend?

Haven't rtft but I work with 12yr olds and neglect is a safeguarding concern we have to report. I would guess something is going on with the mum and she might need some help, your DSD dad needs to step up. Not acceptable of him to stand by, it must be addressed.

Yes good point @PlanDeRaccordement this is also part of our safeguarding training. It is worrying.

You're being really unreasonable about the fragrance thing. She tried to make an effort because you've told her she smells and then she's wrong for trying to do something about the smell.

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she's doing re hygiene. Does she know what she's meant to do in the shower? Sounds like you might just have assumed that she knows to wash each part and how to do it.

If I was you, I would sit her down, apologise for being hurtful. I would talk her through the fact that she needs to be showering every day, tell her what to do in the shower. Buy her some nice shower gels and products and make it a nice thing for her. She is becoming a teenager which is a difficult time for lots of reasons. She needs support, not for you to shout that she smells and not for her dad to turn a blind eye to her needs. If you don't help her, you are neglecting her.