Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Organ donation

206 replies

Mumguilt12 · 17/09/2021 23:19

After a recent death in the family, Me and DH were chatting about our death and funeral plans etc. Cheery huh!

Anyway, I said the songs I wanted played at my funeral. And I am absolutely clear that if my organs can be donated, they should be. All of them.
If not, I’d like to donate my body to science. I’d like to be cremated.

He thinks organ donation is not nice. “I dont want them to cut me up etc” I am absolutely shocked by his negative feelings towards it.

I said if our kid needed a new heart, would he accept it and he said he would. Now I believe if you are willing to take, you should be willing to give.

He is certain that he finds it all a bit wrong and it’s not nice for the family left behind. I also said that I completely disagreed and I personally would find comfort in knowing my relative had saved a life.

I know it’s silly but a) if I go, I don’t trust him to follow my wishes b) I’m judging him. How can you not want to help a sick person?! I don’t get it.

He comes from a religious family although himself is not really into it (other than a general belief in god). Not sure if that’s part of his thoughts.

It’s really made me look at him in a different light. AIBU?

It’s times like these that I think we are really not compatible. I really value kindness and thinking of others and he… really doesn’t.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 17/09/2021 23:25

My DH died at 36. We donated his heart, kidneys and corneas. His heart saved a 21 year old who was dying of a congenital heart malformation.
I still grieve DH thirty years later, but there is a small crumb of comfort that we followed his wishes and helped another family to avoid the pain that we suffered.
I am a Christian, and don’t see any conflict of interest between religion and organ donation.
Christ gave his whole body for our salvation- how can it be wrong for us to offer parts of ours?

Lockheart · 17/09/2021 23:29

Now I believe if you are willing to take, you should be willing to give.

Believe whatever you like, but our medical system treats on the basis of clinical need and not on perceived worth or moral differences. As it should do.

I'm an advocate of organ donation, but you need to respect your husband's wishes, as he should respect yours.

nokidshere · 17/09/2021 23:30

I'm confident that DH would say yes if it were me donating organs after death because he knows how much it means to me. He knows that I would say yes to donating his organs despite the fact that he won't carry a card or consent whilst he's living due to his squeamishness around the subject

XenoBitch · 17/09/2021 23:31

YABU, even people who opt to be a donor wont end up in the position to be one.
I opted out.... sucked to even have to do that tbh. Organ donation should be a gift, and not assumed. And before anyone leaps on me, no I will not accept a donated organ either.

pelosi · 17/09/2021 23:33

YABU. He doesn’t want to be a donor, he’s not stopping you from being a donor!

I’m happy to be a donor but you so sound quite judgemental.

It’s difficult for some people to imagine their currently living body as dead.

Give him break and be understanding of other people’s choices.

pelosi · 17/09/2021 23:34

@XenoBitch

YABU, even people who opt to be a donor wont end up in the position to be one. I opted out.... sucked to even have to do that tbh. Organ donation should be a gift, and not assumed. And before anyone leaps on me, no I will not accept a donated organ either.
It sucked for you opt out? What, out of laziness?
CourgetteGlutTony · 17/09/2021 23:34

I’m happy for DH to donate my organs but have opted out of presumed consent. I don’t like being dictated to by the government

blubberyboo · 17/09/2021 23:35

You shouldn’t really be looking at him in any sort of different light as everyone has different levels of what they are comfortable with.
Some people object because of fear really whether that’s mistrust of medical profession or afterlife religion whatever.
Often people change their minds. Regardless we are talking about one act that a person can only do once , on their death so you can’t judge them based entirely on that. What else does he do in life that is kind but different?

Organ donation is a gift

Just10moreminutesplease · 17/09/2021 23:36

@Lockheart

Now I believe if you are willing to take, you should be willing to give.

Believe whatever you like, but our medical system treats on the basis of clinical need and not on perceived worth or moral differences. As it should do.

I'm an advocate of organ donation, but you need to respect your husband's wishes, as he should respect yours.

OP should respect her partner’s wishes by not donating his organs without permission.

But she absolutely doesn’t need to ‘respect his wishes’ by pretending not to be disgusted by them.

CourgetteGlutTony · 17/09/2021 23:36

And I’m happy to consent on behalf of DH or my children but I have no interest in what happens to those organs. I don’t want to know who receives them, even in the most general terms. I don’t think it would bring me any comfort at all

Original poster
Mumguilt12 · 17/09/2021 23:36

Maybe it is squeamish thoughts. He doesn’t do well with blood etc.

I just know he would accept an organ if he needed it or if our kids did.

I respect his wishes and wouldn’t go against them but It’s hard for me to understand, that’s all I’m saying. I’ve not pressured him and it was a very friendly discussion, I’ve just come on Mumsnet to vent instead!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 17/09/2021 23:37

It should be freely given. Not assumed. So I have a problem with presumed consent as I think it is open to potential abuse and undermines trust in the system.

Anyone should be free to decide whst they want. It might be really important to them and you should respect that even if you disagree with that. If only to encourage them to respect your difference of opinion.

The more you dig your heels in, the more resistant he will be.

Calling him names and questioning his morality is fast tracking heels digging in.

He will be less likely to respect how you feel if you tell him, he's wrong.

Sparklfairy · 17/09/2021 23:37

Doesn't he realise that there's a fairly good chance he'll be "cut up" anyway for a post mortem depending on how he dies? morbid

Notimeforaname · 17/09/2021 23:38

Well when you die and if you're embalmed, they obliterate your organs with a trocar anyway.
So bit of a waste to not give them ...on the off chance they are suitable of course

poolsidefashion · 17/09/2021 23:39

@CourgetteGlutTony

I’m happy for DH to donate my organs but have opted out of presumed consent. I don’t like being dictated to by the government
your and @XenoBitch attitude to organ donation is embarrassingly childish. it annoyed you that the government put something in place to save more lives and your response to that annoyance is to do everything you can to prevent lives being saved. It’s like the dog in the manger. Utterly spiteful and selfish
XenoBitch · 17/09/2021 23:39

@pelosi

How can opting out be out of laziness when it takes extra effort to do just that?
The default position is opting in. You have to take steps to opt out now. Hardly a position of laziness.

unvillage · 17/09/2021 23:39

@pelosi

YABU. He doesn’t want to be a donor, he’s not stopping you from being a donor!

I’m happy to be a donor but you so sound quite judgemental.

It’s difficult for some people to imagine their currently living body as dead.

Give him break and be understanding of other people’s choices.

I think part of OP's problem is that if she were to be in a position to donate organs, she isn't sure her partner as her next of kin would consent to it.
Notimeforaname · 17/09/2021 23:40

People often say its because they dont want to be 'cut open' but lots of things like that happen if you are to be embalmed . You are cut in some places..mouth sewn shut etc

Annoyedanddissapointed · 17/09/2021 23:40

I think it's not really ok to judge. I am happy to donate after death, but I don't look down on people who for whatever reason don't feel comfortable with it. It's not particularly "kind" and "thinking of others" to judge someone for this, is it...

XenoBitch · 17/09/2021 23:41

@Notimeforaname

Well when you die and if you're embalmed, they obliterate your organs with a trocar anyway. So bit of a waste to not give them ...on the off chance they are suitable of course
If your organs are embalmed, they are way past donating.
Justyouwaitandseeagain · 17/09/2021 23:41

Hi everyone, just a small plea but if you are against the opt out system but support organ donation in principle, please consider ‘opting in’ via the NHS Organ Donor Register rather than ‘opting out’. When someone has opted in, the law will not apply, but people in desperate need for a transplant won’t lose out.

mobear · 17/09/2021 23:41

My DP was a living donor. It made me feel anxious and icky as I’m not good with medical stuff but I held it together for him (and even helped with the surgical wound, etc). I hope your DH would do the same and honour your wishes if it came to it.

Notimeforaname · 17/09/2021 23:42

If your organs are embalmed, they are way past donatin
I think you misunderstood me..

XenoBitch · 17/09/2021 23:43

@poolsidefashion

They are a ton of different ways to save lives than organ donation. They range from not voting Tory, to learning CPR.
But yeah, I am the devil incarnate for wanting to have a say over my own dead body.

PurpleDaisies · 17/09/2021 23:46

I’ve said I want my organs donated but after I’m dead, my family can do whatever helps them to grieve best. Dh wants to donate his organs, but ultimately it’s down to me to say yes. They’re still seeking consent from next of kin even with the new system.