Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Organ donation

206 replies

Mumguilt12 · 17/09/2021 23:19

After a recent death in the family, Me and DH were chatting about our death and funeral plans etc. Cheery huh!

Anyway, I said the songs I wanted played at my funeral. And I am absolutely clear that if my organs can be donated, they should be. All of them.
If not, I’d like to donate my body to science. I’d like to be cremated.

He thinks organ donation is not nice. “I dont want them to cut me up etc” I am absolutely shocked by his negative feelings towards it.

I said if our kid needed a new heart, would he accept it and he said he would. Now I believe if you are willing to take, you should be willing to give.

He is certain that he finds it all a bit wrong and it’s not nice for the family left behind. I also said that I completely disagreed and I personally would find comfort in knowing my relative had saved a life.

I know it’s silly but a) if I go, I don’t trust him to follow my wishes b) I’m judging him. How can you not want to help a sick person?! I don’t get it.

He comes from a religious family although himself is not really into it (other than a general belief in god). Not sure if that’s part of his thoughts.

It’s really made me look at him in a different light. AIBU?

It’s times like these that I think we are really not compatible. I really value kindness and thinking of others and he… really doesn’t.

OP posts:
JustBreatheLxs · 18/09/2021 12:30

It’s a gift and the kindest gift. I absolutely don’t think people who are opt out are selfish but I don’t understand them. I mean, I do understand on some level but I’ve never been that way inclined.
We are all different. I probably can only donate my corneas. I probably hold views other people don’t understand.

For those who say “oh I would never accept an organ”, please be mindful that - unless you’re in that position - you have no idea. I grew up knowing I’d likely need a double lung transplant as an adult. As a young person, I said I wouldn’t have a transplant. When faced with your own mortality at a young age and when you’re actively in the process of dying, you have no bloody idea.

Mickarooni · 18/09/2021 12:31

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12

I’m humbled by your courage and kindness towards others. I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Orangejuicemarathoner · 18/09/2021 12:32

And I am absolutely clear that if my organs can be donated, they should be. All of them.

would you agree to your uterus being donated to a transwoman?

Original poster
Mumguilt12 · 18/09/2021 12:38

I wouldn’t donate my uterus to a trans woman. I think organ donation is about a) keeping someone alive who would otherwise be dead or b) improving someone who is poorly quality of life. A trans person is not “poorly”

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 18/09/2021 13:07

YABVU for judging your DH. It is fair enough to worry if you have reason to think he won’t respect your wishes for your own body though.

My DH has always been against donating his organs, but also he was always adamant he would not accept an organ either if in that position. I don’t get it but I respect his wishes.

DH’s stance doesn’t seem to have rubbed off on our kids though as they have all consented to be organ donors and would happily accept an organ if ever required.

Runzilla · 18/09/2021 13:41

I donated my husband's corneas. It was only after his death from cancer that I started to investigate if there was anything at all that could be useful. It was a very thorough and kind process via phone before we were told he could be accepted. No one knows how they will feel in this situation until they face it. my husband's donation improved the sight of two young men, and we were grateful for this knowledge in the years since. Thanks to posters who have given expertise in this thread. There is so much misinformation in this area. The decision is personal to each family in that tragic moment and no-one should feel judged on the decision they make.

Floralnomad · 18/09/2021 19:16

If I recall correctly on the opt out page it’s either opt out or not there is no space to only donate certain bits as I would be happy to donate some bits just not all so have opted out now .

Alwaysfuckingsick · 18/09/2021 19:33

I think it's your decision to donate yours and his decision not to donate his, as long as both of you respect the others wishes depending on what happens/who dies first etc then it doesn't matter, I'm down for organ donation and have been since I was able to, but none of my family are and that's okay, it's their choice.

pinkappleorpineapple · 18/09/2021 19:52

I would have less respect for my DH if he were against organ donation.
As it happens he is happy to donate organs or his body to science if it would be possible.
I've carried a donor card since my early teens, it's something my parents talked about when we were younger, as well as giving blood. Giving blood I can understand people being squeamish to be fair.
But why people wouldn't give (or accept) an organ to save a life is just not something I can relate to. I mean I know the reasons they say, I just couldn't agree.

Makinglists · 18/09/2021 20:00

We lost Ds1 earlier this year and he became a donor and 5 people are alive because of him. Totally respect his feelings but for the grieving left behind it gives us hope that he lives on.

SandysMam · 18/09/2021 20:01

I desperately need a kidney transplant. I am young with two small kids and there is so much I can’t do. It would be utterly life transforming for all of us and I think anyone who donates is amazing. But I also think if someone really doesn’t want to, that’s fine also. But organs will rot to nothing very soon after death and can do so much good if donated so if you are on the fence, that might be something to consider.
Thank you to anyone who has ever had to make this awful decision, I know first hand how much that gift would have changed so many lives Flowers

SandysMam · 18/09/2021 20:03

Sorry @Makinglists I didn’t see your post before I posted! So sorry about your DS Flowers

CharlotteRose90 · 18/09/2021 20:09

I never used to think I’d give my organs but then I became ill in 2018 and had to receive over 80 blood transfusions. I know bloods not the same as an organ but to me it made me realise that I got my life back thanks to the generous people that donated blood then I will donate whatever I can when the time comes. A life for a life in my eyes now. I also feel that if you don’t agree to be an organ donor then I’m sorry but should you need something yourself you shouldn’t get it. Probably an unpopular opinion but it’s mine.

wetpants · 18/09/2021 20:12

I’m very squeamish but have no problems with organ donation.

Before my DF’s funeral, I saw him in an open casket. It truly is just a shell once the spirit has left.

PurpleDaisies · 18/09/2021 20:18

I also feel that if you don’t agree to be an organ donor then I’m sorry but should you need something yourself you shouldn’t get it.

How would this work in practice? What happens if you change your mind about donating after death once it becomes clear you needed a transplant?

CharlotteRose90 · 18/09/2021 20:21

@PurpleDaisies

I also feel that if you don’t agree to be an organ donor then I’m sorry but should you need something yourself you shouldn’t get it.

How would this work in practice? What happens if you change your mind about donating after death once it becomes clear you needed a transplant?

Well people have to opt out online I believe. If someone only opted in once they knew they needed a transplant then fair enough but their should be a rule that they can’t opt back out. Too many people take but don’t give. It’s disgusting
Makinglists · 18/09/2021 20:21

SandysMam thank you for sharing your story it really helps us to know the difference it woyld make. I hope and pray you get that call soon. Sending you love and hope.xxx

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 20:28

Too many people take but don’t give. It’s disgusting

This is not some extra sandwich so there is nkthing left for someone else. Everyone has a right to do with their body as they wish. Alive or dead. We as women should quite stand behind the idea that we can do with our bodies as we see fit, even if someone finds that decision "disgusting" or "selfish"...
I find quote horrible the idea of being burried not cremated. I don't know why, but i would honestly cry if I had no say over it. It's weird. It shouldn't matter. I will be dead. But ot does matter. Some people feel similar about their body being whole (as much as possible) when being buried. That's just how they feel.

And talking about who "deserves" what treatment is pretty slippery slope.... But you all know that

PurpleDaisies · 18/09/2021 20:28

Well people have to opt out online I believe. If someone only opted in once they knew they needed a transplant then fair enough but their should be a rule that they can’t opt back out. Too many people take but don’t give. It’s disgusting.

They could just tell their next of kin not to consent if they really didn’t want to donate but wanted to stay on the register. It is unworkable.

It’s also not how the health system should work. If we’re going down that route, why not deny transplants to people who have lived such unhealthy lives that their organs wouldn’t be suitable for transplant? Or those who have contributed to their needing a transplant through drinking too much? That’s not how we do things.

Neonplant · 18/09/2021 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HikingforScenery · 18/09/2021 20:33

It’s taken a conversation on organ donation to find out that your husband is neither kind nor considerate of others? That’s rather odd, isn’t it?

My husband is very kind and considerate of others. He’s shown me this on many, many occasions and others agree. It would be daft of me to think all those years of kindness will suddenly be negated if he chose not to donate his organs

HikingforScenery · 18/09/2021 20:34

@PurpleDaisies

Well people have to opt out online I believe. If someone only opted in once they knew they needed a transplant then fair enough but their should be a rule that they can’t opt back out. Too many people take but don’t give. It’s disgusting.

They could just tell their next of kin not to consent if they really didn’t want to donate but wanted to stay on the register. It is unworkable.

It’s also not how the health system should work. If we’re going down that route, why not deny transplants to people who have lived such unhealthy lives that their organs wouldn’t be suitable for transplant? Or those who have contributed to their needing a transplant through drinking too much? That’s not how we do things.

^this
serielchanger · 18/09/2021 20:56

I registered as an organ donor when I was 18.

In the intervening years I have had a friend donate bone marrow to a stranger, a friend donate their organs following their sudden death and a friend receive an organ transplant.

I remain in awe of my friends, their families and the other families involved. My love to everyone who has walked this path.

MordredsOrrery · 18/09/2021 21:13

It's a hugely personal decision and, for me, both your decisions are fine as you've had a chance to think about it. But don't forget that people can change their minds, life experiences can give a different perspective.

Hypotheticals like an imaginary sick child aren't overly helpful as it's impossible to know how you'd react in a situation with that much emotion. I've actually opted the DC out because (1) it's a decision I'd rather they made for themselves when they're old enough to understand, and (2) because if the worst were to happen I know we'd be asked to consider donating regardless of the register so there's always an opportunity to opt in at that point.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 19/09/2021 06:14

@Floralnomad

If I recall correctly on the opt out page it’s either opt out or not there is no space to only donate certain bits as I would be happy to donate some bits just not all so have opted out now .
@Floralnomad - if you are happy to donate some but not all organs, then rather than opting out, you should go onto the NHS Organ Donor Register page and select ‘yes’ to donate. You will then have the option to confirm which organs you are prepared to donate. The new law does not apply when someone has already registered a decision.
Swipe left for the next trending thread