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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 16/09/2021 09:09

Dp is being really horrible towards me since we've "taken a break" and obviously will continue to be since I'm under his roof. He has started telling me this is "his house" and I can and cant do this, and is now making helping out with dc difficult. He also keeps calling me names. He knows this is a hard time for me right now because I have a family member that is seriously sick and just come out of hospital but it doesnt seem to stop him ripping into me when he can because he is clearly hurt over the fact that I've called it quits and he knows he has messed up big time.

Yesterday I told him dc needs clothes. He told me she would have to wait until he gets money. HA! It's all just so rich since I know and he has clearly demonstrated he can get money when he thinks it's important, but dc has to wait for basics from him. I just said thank god one off us can get her clothes and that turned into a massive bust up.

Honestly since I've had dc dp has been made life so hard. We have constantly had massive arguments which resulted in me packing my bags and sofa surfing at my parents with a new born.

OP posts:
ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 09:13

It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more

So you had a child with him, knowing that he was a complete loser who could never provide for that child? Why?

notanothertakeaway · 16/09/2021 09:20

[quote Brokeandtired3]@NowEvenBetter no my dp is not a druggie anymore. That was years ago as I said he has this debt before I met him. He doesnt do drugs now and he knows, as I stated when I was pregnant, if i found he was i would not let him near dc until he sobered up and proved himself[/quote]
If he hasn't used drugs for years, how come he still owes money to dealers?

I wonder if you're getting the whole story

Anyway, I can't see him changing his ways while people keep bailing him out

I suspect you'll end up moving on. Better to crack on and get it over with. Short term pain for long term gain

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 16/09/2021 09:24

@ManifestDestinee when I was pregnant and deciding whether to go ahead with the pregnancy I aired out all my worries in terms of finances and moving out and we drew up a plan. He told me we could move out that same year and that he would be fine payment wise as it's a slow paying debt. obviously he has been holding back alot of the whole picture and obviously I was naive and stupid to believe him. But what's done is done now and I wouldnt change having dc for the world. She is my only light in this entire sh!t show

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 16/09/2021 09:31

But what's done is done now and I wouldnt change having dc for the world. She is my only light in this entire sh!t show

And for her sake you must now leave this man for good. You do not want her growing up believing that this is the way women have to be treated. Be strong for her if not for yourself.

LagunaBubbles · 16/09/2021 09:45

why I had my child is really none or your buisness nor is it relevant to this. I love my daughter and I'm happy she is here

I'm sure you do and this may sound harsh but time after time on here you read about some one getting pregnant when the relationship itself is chaotic and guy is a lover...and then end up like this. No wonder people question tne decidion to expose a child to all the toxicity!

RazorSharp · 16/09/2021 09:59

@Brokeandtired3

Dp is being really horrible towards me since we've "taken a break" and obviously will continue to be since I'm under his roof. He has started telling me this is "his house" and I can and cant do this, and is now making helping out with dc difficult. He also keeps calling me names. He knows this is a hard time for me right now because I have a family member that is seriously sick and just come out of hospital but it doesnt seem to stop him ripping into me when he can because he is clearly hurt over the fact that I've called it quits and he knows he has messed up big time.

Yesterday I told him dc needs clothes. He told me she would have to wait until he gets money. HA! It's all just so rich since I know and he has clearly demonstrated he can get money when he thinks it's important, but dc has to wait for basics from him. I just said thank god one off us can get her clothes and that turned into a massive bust up.

Honestly since I've had dc dp has been made life so hard. We have constantly had massive arguments which resulted in me packing my bags and sofa surfing at my parents with a new born.

Please leave, use your cash as a deposit.

As an aside, you really don't need to be buying new clothes for your little one. Loads of places have second hand hardly used ones and you can save a lot of money.

PooWillyNameChange · 16/09/2021 10:05

@Brokeandtired3 have you spoken to Shelter and Citizens Advice Bureau? They may be able to give you some good advice.

How old is your daughter? I’ve not claimed UC but is there a way, as you’re separated, you can close the joint claim and claim alone?

I think you need to stop shopping with him, ever, and definitely stop lending him money.

PooWillyNameChange · 16/09/2021 10:06

Also second the recommendation for secondhand clothes. You can pick up bundles very cheaply on Vinted or eBay, charity shops or Facebook.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 16/09/2021 10:58

@PooWillyNameChange its doesnt matter if we are together or not as long as I'm under dps roof it must be a joint claim as they assume he will be supporting us financially (haha!)

As I've said I've already told him I'm not lending him anything, and I'm refusing to buy anything now unless its 50/50 there and then. Unfortunately It may mean my dc doesnt get the things she needs asap as he "has no money" but again bought himself a ticket for a holiday Grin

For all those saying to leave him I have already broken up with him and trust me I'm trying to leave asap as he is making this really hard and as horrible as can be for me.

The problem is no one accepting housing credit even though I have the deposit money and a guarantor. It's all abit hopeless

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 16/09/2021 11:16

So I've just looked it up and a landlord cannot point blank refusing benefits especially if I can pay upfront for depoist which is can. Should I challenge this landlord on the flat?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 16/09/2021 11:24

You could challenge the landlord - you have nothing to loose on that front.
Problem with some btl's is insurance. Many insurance companies won't insure rent payments from dss especially now they have all but stopped direct pay.
I'd say it's unlikely he will accept unless you are the only one offering on the flat.

Get yourself to the housing office. You are in a good position with a deposit and a guarantor. They should be able to find you something.

Hoppinggreen · 16/09/2021 12:47

@Brokeandtired3

So I've just looked it up and a landlord cannot point blank refusing benefits especially if I can pay upfront for depoist which is can. Should I challenge this landlord on the flat?
They will be able to find another reason to turn you down and do you really want a Landlord who doesn’t want you there?
Babynames2 · 16/09/2021 15:04

Phone all the estate agents in your area OP and see if they know of any landlords that will. If you explain that you have a deposit and guarantor and it’s just you and a small child and will likely be a long term rental (so not just a year and then you’re gone) they may know of a landlord willing to or that they could talk to.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2021 15:15

You don’t pay for anything. Tax payers do What an unpleasant judgemental comment.

OP have a look on Gumtree, Facebook Marketplace, your local small ads paper etc. You may well find a private let that accepts UC.

Or could you take yourself to the council first thing and declare yourself homeless, they might be able to get you emergency accommodation especially as you have a baby.

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 15:25

@Brokeandtired3

So I've just looked it up and a landlord cannot point blank refusing benefits especially if I can pay upfront for depoist which is can. Should I challenge this landlord on the flat?
You'd be better to find a landlord that's ok with your circumstances, if you can. Otherwise it's complications from day 1.
LagunaBubbles · 16/09/2021 15:29

Loser not lover obviously!

lemmeavabru · 16/09/2021 16:17

Agree with pinkyredrose about going to the council declaring yourself homeless especially now that you've separated from him and have nowhere to go.

I know how you feel. You sound desperate to escape. But the longer you stay there, the longer he has a hold on you and maybe even try to persuade you to go back to the way things were

sst1234 · 16/09/2021 17:06

@ManifestDestinee

It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more

So you had a child with him, knowing that he was a complete loser who could never provide for that child? Why?

This is the part that is so hard to fathom? Why? Just why?
sst1234 · 16/09/2021 17:07

@pinkyredrose

You don’t pay for anything. Tax payers do What an unpleasant judgemental comment.

OP have a look on Gumtree, Facebook Marketplace, your local small ads paper etc. You may well find a private let that accepts UC.

Or could you take yourself to the council first thing and declare yourself homeless, they might be able to get you emergency accommodation especially as you have a baby.

It’s not judgemental, it’s 100% factual.
Anonymous48 · 16/09/2021 17:24

@MsTSwift

Well you had a baby with a druggie loser (odd decision) now you are upset that he is indeed a druggie loser?
Well quite.
MadamMalkin · 16/09/2021 17:34

"Dp is being really horrible towards me since we've "taken a break"

Of course he is. He's raging you're not going put up with it anymore. He'll either have to learn how to manage his money, or ask his parents when he gets stuck, and reveal how much of a scrounger he is. Prick. If he's realised you really are done with his shit, he could go on to show his true colours in all their glory (now that he won't be getting anything from you but grief). It might be best to have a plan b, in case he becomes abusive. Are there any charities near you, that could help with housing?

Rannva · 16/09/2021 17:39

[quote Brokeandtired3]@LittleOwl153 update
Unfortunately the landlord said he isnt "accepting" house benefits at this time Hmm

I thought they lawfully could not discriminate against this and he so blatantly said no, but oh wells what can I do. Looks like I'm stuck here as no one will accept uc let's be honest[/quote]
Get a job?

Clarice99 · 16/09/2021 17:42

[quote Brokeandtired3]@LittleOwl153 update
Unfortunately the landlord said he isnt "accepting" house benefits at this time Hmm

I thought they lawfully could not discriminate against this and he so blatantly said no, but oh wells what can I do. Looks like I'm stuck here as no one will accept uc let's be honest[/quote]
I can't believe what I'm reading! You contact ONE landlord. And because this ONE landlord doesn't accept 'house benefits at this time', you've thrown in the towel.

You're not stuck there.

You are making a choice to stay there.

A choice to stay with a druggie loser and bring your child up in this toxic environment.

One landlord, in a sea of hundreds of thousands of landlords, says no and that's your excuse to do nothing.

I've seen it all now.

WanJames · 16/09/2021 18:03

Even some Social housing now will only accept tenants who are in work…you can’t demand a landlord rents to you Confused

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