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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 15:10

@BlueMoons90 no I dont otherwise i would of just left and not made this thread. I have applied for counsil housing though so am awaiting to hear back

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 15/09/2021 15:11

Ok so you're living with "D"P's family.

Stop lending him money, wait till you've saved enough for a deposit on your own place, then dump him.

Danikm151 · 15/09/2021 15:12

Remind him that UC considers your income as joint so he should contributing more.

sjags · 15/09/2021 15:14

If you have a few thousand saved could you use that for a deposit and rent somewhere privately.

cuppycakey · 15/09/2021 15:15

Do you have any family or friends who could put you up until you could get emergency housing?

He sounds like a total waste of space.

ShrimpBarbarian · 15/09/2021 15:15

@sjags

If you have a few thousand saved could you use that for a deposit and rent somewhere privately.
but he's taking money from you - surely you would be better off living on your own
TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/09/2021 15:16

Please PLEASE PLEASE stop giving your money to this loser.

And start making plans to get away from him once you can sort out a place to live.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/09/2021 15:17

He's landed on his feet with you hasn't he?

Blueberryflavour · 15/09/2021 15:18

Are you living with your relatives or his?
If it’s yours I would tell him to leave, he’s going to keep badgering you about your savings pot until it’s all gone then probably so will he when you’ve outlived your usefulness.
If you’re living with his relatives does he see it as him putting a roof over your head, even though it’s actually his relatives doing that.
Make plans to leave, while you still have a little saved, is there anywhere else you can go?
Get angry, if you can’t do it for yourself do it for your child, if it was just that there was no money that would be different but he earns and would see his child without a car seat, nappies, clothes and other essentials.

doodleygirl · 15/09/2021 15:20

More fool you

Blueberryflavour · 15/09/2021 15:21

Cross posted with the update that you are living with his parents. In that case tell him exactly why he has no money and can’t support his own child.

GrandmasCat · 15/09/2021 15:22

Honesty? It is much easier to raise the kids single handedly than raising them singlehandedly while dragging a manchild along.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/09/2021 15:23

@Brokeandtired3

He uses me like the bank of bloody England!!!
Yup!

And unlike the Bank of England you haven't weighed up his risk levels.

Throw him back.

I assume you don't pay his parents any rent... and that he assumes that their kindness is his contribution to your family expenses.

BlueMoons90 · 15/09/2021 15:24

If you left you would get emergency housing although I understand that wouldn't be ideal with a small child. If I were in your shoes I would give him an ultimatum and if that wasn't met I would leave.

category12 · 15/09/2021 15:26
  1. Get a job.
  2. Dump him.
  3. Use your savings to get a rental.
ChequerBoard · 15/09/2021 15:26

Why are you buying kitchen furniture for your DP's parents house??

Seriously stop spending on anything that isn't a necessity, save as hard as can and get your own place without the debt laden cockwomble that you have attached yourself to.

Borland · 15/09/2021 15:26

I voted YABU for having a child with this loser (apologies though if this was unplanned!).

Granllanog · 15/09/2021 15:30

You are being unreasonable for putting up with him all this time!

What do you get from this relationship????

Show him the door.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/09/2021 15:35

Just leave him or get him to leave, you and your child will be much better off

Chloemol · 15/09/2021 15:39

Stop now with giving him money

And if it’s your relative you are staying with tell him to leave. If it’s not you leave

You will be better off without him

me4real · 15/09/2021 15:40

You have 2 grand saved so you don't need him to (get his mum and dad to) put a temporary roof over your head.

Keep saving until you can find a house/flat to rent for yourself and DC. It might take a bit of hunting for one that will accept people on UC but it can be done. You will be entitled to help with housing costs.

I wouldn't stay with him- he won't change and he'll probably get in more debt at some point and you might end up with some of it.

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2021 15:42

How do you save 2 grand on UC and support a complete waster? Does he have a gambling / drink / drug problem?

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 15:42

he has no initiative to get anything

He never will whilst you make it so easy for him not to. Stop grizzling and take responsibility. UC includes a housing element. You're not stuck unless you insist on being.

Staryflight445 · 15/09/2021 15:45

Isn’t this benefit fraud?

Ceebeegee · 15/09/2021 15:46

I've been here, OP. He won't change. The cycle of debt will never go away if you stay with him. End it.
You will be better off without him, in many ways.
Do not give him a penny more. You can support your children better without having him as a drain.