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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
Lucythewonderdog · 15/09/2021 15:46

@Staryflight445

Isn’t this benefit fraud?
Yeah and the few thousand saved while on UC. Chinny rub.
DxHxSx · 15/09/2021 15:47

How old is DC?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/09/2021 15:47

@Staryflight445

Isn’t this benefit fraud?
How?

There is another recent thread where someone stated that you can't get UC if someone works or some such. They apologised when it was pointed out that they were incorrect.

Maybe you will do the same, as your assumption is flawed!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/09/2021 15:47

Yeah and the few thousand saved while on UC. Chinny rub. Again... nasty assumption not based in the realities of the system!

jimmyjammy001 · 15/09/2021 15:47

So he's been like this for the past 3 years and you decided to have a child together, the red flags were there before hand, now that you have a child together it will be even harder for you to get out of this situation unfortunately, until you can get a place of your own there's nothing you can really do apart from to change him which looks unlikely

Comedycook · 15/09/2021 15:51

I would place a bet that he's still.on drugs and that's what he's using your money for

Fralla · 15/09/2021 15:52

How old is DC? If you can get a job then it'll be easy to get somewhere to rent if you've got the deposit. And DC will be absolutely fine in daycare, don't be a martyr.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/09/2021 15:54

By facilitating those loans that he built up paying for his drug habit, you are effectively paying for the drugs. You do realise that???

Move on from this waste of space (and I rarely call anyone a waste of space), and get a better role model for your child. This one isn't that!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/09/2021 15:57

People on low incomes can be entitled to UC . If they are staying with relatives and aren't running a house then it can be possible to save a bit.

People shouldn't start accusing others of benefit fraud when they don't actually know how the system works !

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2021 15:57

YANBU but if you actively chose a wasteman then what's to say, really? Maybe subsidising his life will bring you your happy ever after eventually. Or, you'll have to leave him. Whatever. I always feel sorry for children in these situations whereby an adult is funding another adult as if the adult is the child, diverting funds that could go towards a nicer life and activities for their son/daughter

Droite · 15/09/2021 16:00

Why not tell his parents about his debts and the fact that he is constantly sponging off you?

Underpaidsnackbitch · 15/09/2021 16:01

Run as fast as you can OP. I've been there and got the t-shirt. Any spare money he has after paying off debts should go into the family pot, not into his pocket to buy himself things when he fancies it. He won't change when you get your own place. A man that prioritises himself and his needs over his child is not very attractive.
You'll be better off on your own!

BarbaraofSeville · 15/09/2021 16:02

Does he owe the money to 'proper' lenders like banks/finance providers or to drug dealers and loan sharks?

If it's the former, he needs to stop paying as it's a lower priority than basic household expenses and work out a payment plan or get a debt relief order or go bankrupt. If the latter, you need to separate from him as he's never going to be out of their clutches by the sounds of it and you'll never have any money as it will all go their way.

SmokeyDevil · 15/09/2021 16:06

Er this doesn't make a lot of sense. Why are you buying furniture if you're living in someone else's house? Why are you wasting money on decor when you are on uc and struggling? Why did you have a child with him when you were living with his parents? Confused

You've really got yourself in a mess here. You need to leave him, declare yourself homeless to the council and get on with your life away from him. That's the only way.

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 16:08

What would he say, OP, if you calmly said to him 'I can't keep subbing you any more, so we need to sit down together with all our financial paperwork, and work out a budget.'?

Undisclosedlocation · 15/09/2021 16:15

Sorry OP, I don’t believe all his money is going on debts. If he doesn’t pay rent, you pay for everything else and he’s been doing this for 3 WHOLE YEARS, then he would be debt free by now
Either it’s ‘informal’ debt to drug dealers which will never be repaid, he has shitloads more of a debt problem than he has ever admitted to, or he’s still racking it up (ie still on drugs)

Whichever it is, leaving is the only option you have

Seesawmummadaw · 15/09/2021 16:15

So you are a sahp with universal credit living in your partners parents house with him and your dc. You are buying furniture and decor, bailing him out and paying for everything?

Sounds wonderful

GladAllOver · 15/09/2021 16:16

Why on earth did your let this piece of filth into your life?
And having realised your mistake why have you let him stay?

Restinblue · 15/09/2021 16:22

He’s been paying a drugs debt for more than three years? How much does he owe? Are you sure he’s not still using?

cookingisoverrated · 15/09/2021 16:23

It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more

Why on earth did you add DC to the mix when he was already irresponsible with money and incapable of holding down a job?

Yes, they're here now. So set an example for them by letting them know that this is just not an acceptable way to live and treat your spouse/partner and leave him. If you have no place to go, go to the council and tell them you're homeless because you can no longer live with his family as you are no longer in a relationship. Do not let him back into your lives except to pursue child maintenance.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 16:25

I just don't believe he's spending all his income on his debts - if he was, surely he would've got rid of them by now?

Are you saying he never buys himself a treat, whether that's a takeaway or a drink or a bet?

I couldn't stay with someone like this, OP. He's not a responsible man, he cadges off his partner, he lives rent and bills-free, he doesn't pay for his own child.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:26

Exactly how is this benefit fraud? We have a joint claim account. Dp has made them aware that he has now got a ft job. Presumably they will make the adjustment to the money accordingly. The couple of "thousand" which it is literally just that, was given to me recently. You are allowed to have savings whilst claiming uc as long as its under a certain amount Hmm

OP posts:
TheWeatherWitch · 15/09/2021 16:28

Kick him out.

Simple as that.

By time his family have visited solicitors, gone to court and hired bailiffs to get you out, you can have saved enough to rent in a new town.

Nice to know UC is so wisely put to use, id hate to think of all those unpaid drug bills that my tax is paying being unpaid.

Kick him out.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:29

He had to freeze over his debt payments in lockdown because he wasnt getting any income. I dont think his debt was only accumulated from drugs, I think it was car expenses ect. I really dont know, whenever I think he has told me the entire picture something new crops up that he hasnt mentioned before. His debt went from a couple thousand to nearly 6 grand, and that's not including the personal loans he owes people. Also, ironically enough, just found a letter lying out from job seekers saying he owes them and if he doesnt pay by a date (which has already passed) they will send debt collectors around. I'm hoping he has actually paid..

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/09/2021 16:30

WHY are you letting him walk all over you. Screw you over. Take money from you and your children.

There sounds plenty wrong with him (probably still drugs) but there is plenty wrong with you to allow this to continue!

Stop funding him Boot him out. End it.