I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

[Brokeandtired3]

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed

Not sure if anyone else has said this but if you need the council to house you urgently then your partners parents need to put it in writing that you will not be able to stay with them from a certain date. Used to work in social housing a few years ago so this could be out of date advice but it was def the case 5 years ago. If your council has a drop in system then you should be able to see a housing officer to explain your situation and give them supporting evidence (letter from his parents stating they are kicking you out by certain date) and then in theory they will deem you unintentionally homeless. The reason the parents give for asking you to leave must be just because they can no longer house you - if they put something down like 'she's antisocial/takes drugs/steals from us' etc then the council will deem you intentionally homeless because you have caused your homelessness and won't help you find emergency housing. I know you aren't doing any of those things but them stating they unfortunately cannot house you any longer through no fault of your own should be sufficient, they don't need a list of reasons to kick you out. But you may be in a hotel for a little while, they don't always find suitable housing straight away.

On the debt side of things, look into a Debt Relief Order:

www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/debt-relief-order.aspx

@Babyroobs

How do you pay for everything if you are a sahm?

Benefits apparently

You don’t pay for anything. Tax payers do.

Okay people. Thanks for the helpful advice but I'm not having this shaming when I'm doing nothing wrong and if it wasnt for my "benefits" covering the remaining amount of money my child would have nothing thanks to her dead beat dad that cant afford to buy her clothes but can afford to buy him a ticket for a holiday

@Brokeandtired3

He uses me like the bank of bloody England!!!

Well just tell him to sod off then!

@Brokeandtired3

Okay people. Thanks for the helpful advice but I'm not having this shaming when I'm doing nothing wrong and if it wasnt for my "benefits" covering the remaining amount of money my child would have nothing thanks to her dead beat dad that cant afford to buy her clothes but can afford to buy him a ticket for a holiday

If he’s paying for some of her expenses and food as per your first post then he is the only parent contributing. The rest is being paid by others not the parents.

@Clarice99

You have my first 'YABU' vote simply because you are enabling this loser.

You could leave, you choose not to.

You had a child with this loser.

You stay and give this loser money, constantly bailing him out.

He sounds a complete waste of space. But while he has you enabling his appalling behaviour, he's not going to change as there's no incentive to do so.

Furthermore, what message are you giving your child by remaining in a relationship with a such waster?

This. You need to respect yourself, leave him and be a good role model for yuor daughter.

What would happen if you simply said no to giving him money op? In your shoes I'd give no more money but give rubbish excuses until you can move out as to why you won't be giving money. So things like your friend borrowed some money so you're short this month when that comes back in you'll be sure to give him some etc. And the. Sort your own housing out.

You do realise all you are doing is enabling him?

@Brokeandtired3

Okay people. Thanks for the helpful advice but I'm not having this shaming when I'm doing nothing wrong and if it wasnt for my "benefits" covering the remaining amount of money my child would have nothing thanks to her dead beat dad that cant afford to buy her clothes but can afford to buy him a ticket for a holiday

I am assuming your Uc claim is actually a joint claim?

Wow, what a load of shitty people on here. OP is asking for advice not judgement!
Anyone could find themselves in a situation where they need help with benefits. It doesn't make her a bad parent.
I would go and see a housing officer at your local council, explain your situation and the relationship breakdown, also the fact you have no where to go as you live with his family. See if they can help you with temporary accommodation whilst they assess you properly. Sometimes they do know of local landlord/agents that accept people on benefits. It's actually unlawful now to discriminate to people on benefits so you may have some luck there. The council will be able to advise you on private renting and sometimes they can help with deposits but they generally call them bonds. They can also help with moving costs if you need help. That would be under a discretionary housing payment or something similar. They would be the best people to help and would advise you. Also I would recommend gingerbread helpline, they have really good and helpful advisers. Takes a while to get through sometimes but worth it.
You honestly do sound like financially and mentally you would be better off going it alone. Hopefully you manage to find some good advice and can make a lovely life for you and your child.

@Brokeandtired3

He had to freeze over his debt payments in lockdown because he wasnt getting any income. I dont think his debt was only accumulated from drugs, I think it was car expenses ect. I really dont know, whenever I think he has told me the entire picture something new crops up that he hasnt mentioned before. His debt went from a couple thousand to nearly 6 grand, and that's not including the personal loans he owes people. Also, ironically enough, just found a letter lying out from job seekers saying he owes them and if he doesnt pay by a date (which has already passed) they will send debt collectors around. I'm hoping he has actually paid..

That'll come out of your UC.

And the bailiffs will take the stuff you've bought as it's at his address.

Ok well jsa do not send debt collectors then legally can take any money owed from benefits or wages though and also uc is not you paying for everything the uc is

I've just seen a lovely little flat that is local and I could afford the depoist. It is under for private renting, what would I need to do next?

Get onto the landlord/agent fast before it goes. Make sure you can afford the rent - check your UC housing allowance and check the landlord can take a UC claimant. But speed is of the essence to secure it!

@LittleOwl153

I've just seen a lovely little flat that is local and I could afford the depoist. It is under for private renting, what would I need to do next?

Get onto the landlord/agent fast before it goes. Make sure you can afford the rent - check your UC housing allowance and check the landlord can take a UC claimant. But speed is of the essence to secure it!

And the sooner you're on a single claim, the sooner they can't take the money from you to pay his debts.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss if it was up to him she would have no bloody clothes on her back! Give me a break.

Just because he pays the food shop here and there doesnt mean anything. I bought her pram, car seat, changing mat (that I painted when I was heavily pregnant whilst he did f all) her toys, her clothes, her bed, her travel cot, her high chair, her bowls and spoons and plates, her cup, her bottles, her nappies and her bath. This man GOT NOTHING for her and never bothered to lift a finger.

For example the other day we went clothes shopping for dc. Dp ended up getting some thing and last minute at the counter asked me to pay for him so he could pay me back. He put me in a position where I felt uncomfortable to say no. We then went to the baby section and I said dont worry I'll pay all I wanted was him to pick out some clothes for her. Did he?! NO. He stood there on his phone and did crap all. I ended up picking a couple things and walking away. Even with the money handed to him he cant be bothered

I'd imagine that he's very much not spending all his money on debt. I think he's got lots of savings locked away and is playing you for a fool

@Lucythewonderdog 2 thousand is well within the allowed amounts before it affects UC. Keep rubbing your chin

@Staryflight445 No, it is not benefit fraud. Unless you know the complex rules of UC, it's best to keep quiet love

@category12

Why on earth did you get a joint account with a man like this? Madness.

Not a joint bank account, a joint UC account! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

Don't date or have kids with drug-addled debt-ridden losers?

Most women wouldn't sit next to this guy on a bus, let alone think he's a valid candidate for procreation.

Now that you have noticed he's bottom of the barrel, move on with your life by finding work and building a life, rather than wallowing under the bridge with a troll.

[quote Brokeandtired3]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss if it was up to him she would have no bloody clothes on her back! Give me a break.

Just because he pays the food shop here and there doesnt mean anything. I bought her pram, car seat, changing mat (that I painted when I was heavily pregnant whilst he did f all) her toys, her clothes, her bed, her travel cot, her high chair, her bowls and spoons and plates, her cup, her bottles, her nappies and her bath. This man GOT NOTHING for her and never bothered to lift a finger.

For example the other day we went clothes shopping for dc. Dp ended up getting some thing and last minute at the counter asked me to pay for him so he could pay me back. He put me in a position where I felt uncomfortable to say no. We then went to the baby section and I said dont worry I'll pay all I wanted was him to pick out some clothes for her. Did he?! NO. He stood there on his phone and did crap all. I ended up picking a couple things and walking away. Even with the money handed to him he cant be bothered[/quote]
Hindsight is a great thing, but you should've declared yourself homeless when you left your family home.

What apart from his parents home does he offer you? What do you like about him?

it may very well be a joint claim but it's only a joint claim because they are showing that one of the couple works. So the earnings from his work is taken into account. However, if his earnings are not contributing to ANYTHING, not household rent, no bills, no food, no clothes etc AND on top of that he TAKES AWAY income that they get jointly not to pay for anything of the above but for 'debt' then the OP is well within her rights to say that this is her money. She's managing everything as well as she can. She's not spending on herself but for things that they should jointly be paying for.

And of course she hasn't earned the money but benefits are there to TOP up income. It seems as though there is no topping up going on here.

If the OP had to pay rent she would probably go broke or go into debt herself. Not enough income there.

OP you have to leave him and hopefully get a job for a better future. Right now he is of no support and is sponging off you.

@LittleOwl153 update
Unfortunately the landlord said he isnt "accepting" house benefits at this time

I thought they lawfully could not discriminate against this and he so blatantly said no, but oh wells what can I do. Looks like I'm stuck here as no one will accept uc let's be honest