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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
DeborahAnnabel · 15/09/2021 17:12

This reply has been deleted

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/09/2021 17:13

Surely if it’s a joint claim then it’s paid to both of you and it’s the state not you funding things.
You could leave a get a job if unhappy.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 17:15

Maybe you could say to his parents that you want to get out from under their feet and the council will help your more easily if he doesn't come with you but that is something you can re-think about down track?
They will need to state that they want you gone by x date however for the council to consider you homeless.

category12 · 15/09/2021 17:16

Why on earth did you get a joint account with a man like this? Madness.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 17:17

Who gave you the £1500 - could you give it back and ask that they keep hold of it for you until you are in a position to move out? Just to keep it out of dps mits?

Staryflight445 · 15/09/2021 17:18

@CuriousaboutSamphire I think you need to learn the difference between an assumption and a question.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 17:18

Oh and if that is a joint t bank account rather than a joint uc claim - close it quick before he beggars up your credit by overdrawing it.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:18

@DeborahAnnabel why I had my child is really none or your buisness nor is it relevant to this. I love my daughter and I'm happy she is here.

OP posts:
Fhdfjiggvfhg · 15/09/2021 17:18

You can change the situation by moving out and getting a job. You have savings which a lot of people don’t have. If you don’t like the situation change it.

thenewduchessofhastings · 15/09/2021 17:18

@Brokeandtired3

If you get a house through the council please ensure it's only you and your child that moves into it.Think of it as your chance to escape this BS.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:21

@category12 it's a joint uc claim not joint account. I keep my savings seperate.

I dont want to drip feed but there is clearly some confusion here. I lived with my family until they sold my family home and I had no where to go. I ended up with dp and his family hence why I went from having my own uc to a joint claim. My dp was only recently unemployed but managed to get a job so that money will stop. Whilst I've been living away from him on my sole uc account he never paid for anything and it is still the case. Again another big thing for me is he doesnt bother to even buy things, like dcs clothes. He literally has no incentive for these type of things and I'm sick of being the one getting her everything, it makes the mental load on me so extreme.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:23

I do want to get a job but I cant afford child care and because I live with dp we arent eligible for it with his new current job. Again if dp didnt have debt and his income genuinely went towards his daughter then maybe we could and I could start working!

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 15/09/2021 17:25

Sorry OP, but what possessed you to have a child with a loser like him? Did you not have more respect for yourself and the child than to bring DC into the world with a father like this. A man is supposed to provide for his child, at least in part. It is upsetting to read on MN that women don't get the basics in place before having DC, which means finding someone who at least appears to be competent to be a father. Apologies this is harsh, but I feel for you and your child in this situation, which frankly could have been avoided. Hope you get yourself sorted. Daffodil

Fhdfjiggvfhg · 15/09/2021 17:26

@Brokeandtired3

I do want to get a job but I cant afford child care and because I live with dp we arent eligible for it with his new current job. Again if dp didnt have debt and his income genuinely went towards his daughter then maybe we could and I could start working!
How old is dc?
Confusedandshaken · 15/09/2021 17:26

[quote Brokeandtired3]@Confusedandshaken I guess I never even thought about it as him taking the piss, but just something that a partner should naturally do. Which is to support each other even financially. I clearly have let myself been taken for a mug[/quote]
It sounds as if you have really wised up as to what a user he is. Well done.

Once he realises you are serious about going your separate ways he will probably turn all lovey-dovey to try and keep you around. Don't fall for it. Be strong. There are much better men out there and you deserve one of them.

NowEvenBetter · 15/09/2021 17:28

Have you had a thread about this before? I recall a thread recently about a woman who’d picked a deadbeat and was unemployed and homeless, same as you. Poor kid having some useless druggie as a ‘father’.

midlifecrash · 15/09/2021 17:29

This type of man is no good. He will never understand that once he’s spent his money he doesn’t have it any more and he will never take debts to others seriously.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:29

@Fhdfjiggvfhg 10 months

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:31

@NowEvenBetter no my dp is not a druggie anymore. That was years ago as I said he has this debt before I met him. He doesnt do drugs now and he knows, as I stated when I was pregnant, if i found he was i would not let him near dc until he sobered up and proved himself

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 15/09/2021 17:33

She’s still absolute trash and you have no protection whatsoever, being unmarried and living in someone else’s house, you need a job and to be independent of this pointless boyfriend, don’t produce more kids with him, that’d be a terrible idea.

NowEvenBetter · 15/09/2021 17:33

*he’s still

MsTSwift · 15/09/2021 17:36

Well you had a baby with a druggie loser (odd decision) now you are upset that he is indeed a druggie loser?

Clarice99 · 15/09/2021 17:37

You have my first 'YABU' vote simply because you are enabling this loser.

You could leave, you choose not to.

You had a child with this loser.

You stay and give this loser money, constantly bailing him out.

He sounds a complete waste of space. But while he has you enabling his appalling behaviour, he's not going to change as there's no incentive to do so.

Furthermore, what message are you giving your child by remaining in a relationship with a such waster?

Babyroobs · 15/09/2021 17:37

Surely the UC is a joint claim?

TerriblyNaice · 15/09/2021 17:41

@Brokeandtired3

He uses me like the bank of bloody England!!!
No. You both treat tax payers like idiots.
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