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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 15/09/2021 16:32

His debt went from a couple thousand to nearly 6 grand, and that's not including the personal loans he owes people. Also, ironically enough, just found a letter lying out from job seekers saying he owes them and if he doesnt pay by a date (which has already passed) they will send debt collectors around.

It's very common for people in debt not to reveal the whole story and they won't even when somebody is banging on the front door.

How much do you need as a deposit for a private rental? Would your savings cover it?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/09/2021 16:32

I'm hoping he has actually paid..

Have you actually asked him? You know his debts can be your debts too, right?

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:32

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have. I put my foot down after I heard he borrowed money from me to cover his ass because he bought something he couddnt afford after promising me he wouldnt. I've now applied to housing on the council. I am trying to leave.

Just to clarify I never "give him" my money I only loan it to him. Which is why I feel like a bank. Most the time he does pay me back, I'm sure there have been times I've forgot to ask him or he has "forgot" to pay me back. I'd also like to add we have a pet that i pay for. All vet Bill's are under my account and name. Does this mean if I leave I have rightful ownership of said pet

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:34

@EmbarrassingAdmissions would private renting accept uc? I have about 1500 to my name at the moment. Obviously all of that cant go towards my depoist

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 15/09/2021 16:35

@Brokeandtired3

Sorry very pissed of this all came to head recently and dps parents defended him and thought I was being worried about how he has no money when that is not the case at all. They know nothing of his debts
Then isn't it time someone told them?
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:36

@Feedingthebirds1 in their eyes he can do no wrong. I doubt they would care and honestly would most likely see it as me attacking their son

OP posts:
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 15/09/2021 16:37

[quote Brokeandtired3]@EmbarrassingAdmissions would private renting accept uc? I have about 1500 to my name at the moment. Obviously all of that cant go towards my depoist[/quote]
Some do, it very much depends whereabouts you are in the country. UC has a housing element and a lot will depend on the local housing allowance etc.

www.understandinguniversalcredit.gov.uk/new-to-universal-credit/housing/

Some private landlords will accept UC but it varies.

Lucythewonderdog · 15/09/2021 16:37

This sounds worse and worse with every post OP. Tell us, why did you reproduce with this man?

PersonaNonGarter · 15/09/2021 16:39

Well he is clearly a waste of space.

Go and start your real life. You always knew it wouldn’t work out with this guy.

Singinginshower · 15/09/2021 16:40

You can get a private rental on UC, but will be more difficult with a pet

Seesawmummadaw · 15/09/2021 16:41

[quote Brokeandtired3]@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have. I put my foot down after I heard he borrowed money from me to cover his ass because he bought something he couddnt afford after promising me he wouldnt. I've now applied to housing on the council. I am trying to leave.

Just to clarify I never "give him" my money I only loan it to him. Which is why I feel like a bank. Most the time he does pay me back, I'm sure there have been times I've forgot to ask him or he has "forgot" to pay me back. I'd also like to add we have a pet that i pay for. All vet Bill's are under my account and name. Does this mean if I leave I have rightful ownership of said pet[/quote]
You heard he borrowed money from you?

x2boys · 15/09/2021 16:41

Dont you have to claim universal credit as a couple?
We certainly have toon tax credits.

SilverGlassHare · 15/09/2021 16:46

Three years of debt repayments from drugs before you met? I think he’s bullshitting you, OP. Drug dealers don’t offer repayment plans with easy terms, they break your arm!

itsgoodtobehome · 15/09/2021 16:47

Why are you a SAHM in this situation? Why don't you go it alone, get a job and get rid of this freeloader?

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 16:48

Don't take your advice from here, OP. Lots of people don't know what they're talking about. Have a go at this, you can put different scenarios in and find how to be best off:

benefits-calculator-2.turn2us.org.uk/

Speak to the council in your area. Speak to Citizens Advice.

He doesn't need to know any of it. This is you planning for you and your child. And your pet.

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 16:52

Get back onto the council. You will not be priority to house as you have a home even if it isn't yours. They will however have lists of landlords who accept UC and might be able to help you with deposit/rent guarantee to enable you to rent alone. Put your details into entitledto.co.uk It will tell you what you are entitled to as a single parent. It will also tell you the housing allowance in your area so that you know what a rental budget will be.

Be prepared now though that if DP has a job you will loose 67% of what he earns from your UC claim. So if he spends his pay packet you will likely end up with very little left as UC will go down alot. He will then expect you to use that £1500 to pay the bills because his pay will be already gone.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:53

@x2boys whilst we live under the same roof yes, unfortunately. Whether we are together or not.

As I said at the current moment we have a joint claim for uc.

@Seesawmummadaw yes I mean as in he told me he was in the sticks because he bought something he shouldnt of, he borrowed money from me to cover that but he never actually told me the later part so all this time I just thought it was a delayed payment but he had actively chosen to pay for something else instead and allow himself to get in to that situation

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 15/09/2021 16:53

@Brokeandtired3

He uses me like the bank of bloody England!!!
Why are you enabling this?

I can see why you would put your child's needs ahead of your own but why are you giving him money and going without yourself?

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:55

@Confusedandshaken I guess I never even thought about it as him taking the piss, but just something that a partner should naturally do. Which is to support each other even financially. I clearly have let myself been taken for a mug

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/09/2021 16:58

If you dump him you'll have the money to pay your own rent because you won't have this pathetic leech bleeding you dry.

RunningStrong · 15/09/2021 16:58

How are you on much UC if DP is working?

Also be careful the house deposit doesn't go over the limit when UC would stop because of savings.

But anyway, you don't want to be buying a house with this man

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 16:59

@LittleOwl153 I put on my application that the reason I needed to move was because we are no longer together, which is true. I have called it a time out so I can get myself together and find me and dc a place. Will that not make me a higher priority? I have spoken to shelter and technically I am "sofa surfing".

The only hard part is that I need to get dps parents to write me a letter to acknowledge that I live here as part of my requirements to submit the form. I am trying to do this all discreetly and now I'm at a loss of what to do

OP posts:
Glssr195726113493 · 15/09/2021 17:04

[quote Brokeandtired3]@Feedingthebirds1 in their eyes he can do no wrong. I doubt they would care and honestly would most likely see it as me attacking their son[/quote]
In which case, get the fuck out of their house as soon as you can, and dump their pathetic liability of a son.

He brings nothing to the table, just takes, takes, takes and lies, lies, lies.

Fifthtimelucky · 15/09/2021 17:05

He sounds like a complete waste of space. But I don't understand why, if the UC claim is a joint one, the OP seems to think of it all as hers. It is surely intended to cover their living expenses (and those of their child) - not to allow one of them to start saving.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:10

@Fifthtimelucky we've only had a joint account for 2 months. Before I was living with my family and had my own uc account, which was the bare minimum yet all that went towards stuff that he should of also being covering. He paid no maintenance so all his money got to go to himself and the occasional thing/food shop here and there

OP posts:
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