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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!

208 replies

Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 14:43

and I'm bloody sick of it. I'm a sahm dp works (has been in and out of employment) but majority of his income goes towards his debts and loans. We have a dc together and everything I have bought.

All of our furniture, decor, dcs toys, clothes. I lend him money when he is behind on his payments to stop people knocking on our door. I have no money! I'm on uc and trying to save for a depoist as he debt says up all his money and he cant save. Now and then he can put money towards our food shop or if I ask him to go half and half on something for dc he will if he can but for the most part it's not just his lack of money but the fact that he has no initiative to get anything!

He has not once bought dc clothes or toys in her whole entire life. It was down to him we would have nothing, I'm the one who gets things done and I'm bloody over it! We currently have to live with relatives because his debt means we are unable to afford rent. Aibu to of had enough of this. It's been going on for nearly 3 years but since dc has come along I've been feeling the weight of it more.

He has no responsibility when it comes to money and finances. His debt is from drugs (before we met). I'm not one to hold the past to someone but he is still demonstrating financial irresponsible ness by buying things he cant afford in the moment because he wants to. If we had rent to pay we would be screwed Angry

OP posts:
DixonD · 15/09/2021 17:41

@RunningStrong

How are you on much UC if DP is working?

Also be careful the house deposit doesn't go over the limit when UC would stop because of savings.

But anyway, you don't want to be buying a house with this man

Because you can be on UC and work at the same time!!!!!

It’s been said repeatedly.

My family works and is on UC.

It depends on your level of income.

RunningStrong · 15/09/2021 17:43

I know you can work and be on UC but it's reduced for every £ you earn so I'm not sure how it would be enough to pay for "everything" no matter how frugal OP is.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:45

@RunningStrong well it is with the sacrifice of me not being able to afford anything for myself like clothes shoes ect. We have no rent to pay so all my money goes towards food, house things, dcs things, and then my own personal bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:46

@TerriblyNaice I'm really not and I fail to see what you mean

OP posts:
ancientgran · 15/09/2021 17:47

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

People on low incomes can be entitled to UC . If they are staying with relatives and aren't running a house then it can be possible to save a bit.

People shouldn't start accusing others of benefit fraud when they don't actually know how the system works !

Wouldn't it be a joint claim though, so not her money but their money? I thought that was how it worked if you were a couple. He still shouldn't be wasting it though.
DixonD · 15/09/2021 17:48

Yes I know. And I meant to say my family member is on UC, not me. My family doesn’t qualify (fortunately, it’s a nightmare system.)

Anyway, he’s a waste of space OP, you will be better off on your own. It can take a long time to get housing though.

Private rental won’t accept you without a guarantor if you are relying on benefits unless you can pay many months upfront (6-12).

Also, your pet belongs to whoever paid for it.

DishingOutDone · 15/09/2021 17:48

I think a lot of posters are struggling to understand why you've posted OP because you seem determined to stay in the same situation and complain about it. Surely now he has notified that he is working full time, in turn your own UC will be affected so you'll have even less money? Surely his parents will realise whats going on when they have debt collectors calling? Its a very confused situation - can you honestly not just walk out and go to your own family or friends for a while?

RunningStrong · 15/09/2021 17:50

[quote Brokeandtired3]@RunningStrong well it is with the sacrifice of me not being able to afford anything for myself like clothes shoes ect. We have no rent to pay so all my money goes towards food, house things, dcs things, and then my own personal bills[/quote]
But with no rent you won't get the rent element of UC?

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 17:53

@DishingOutDone no I dont have anyone I can rely on to take me and my baby in. I get you may find that hard to comprehend but some people are alone in their situations and that's why the end up complacent. However I did already mention that I've broken up with dp and I've applied for council housing so I dont see how that is me doing nothing?

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 15/09/2021 17:55

I couldn’t put up with what you are putting up with! You have a child together, he’s showing zero respect it’s been going on too long he won’t change, your child n yourself needs to be on your own away from him he sounds like a man child

Babynames2 · 15/09/2021 18:09

If you have money that you could use for a rental deposit could you not look at private landlords? You’d be eligible for the housing element of UC then. Check how much you’d get to work out what sort of property you could rent in your area. It’ll most likely be quicker than waiting for a council property.

Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 18:13

@Babynames2 sorry to sound daft I dont have the slightest clue about private renting. Is private renting a way people with uc can be accepted, what is the difference between that and normal renting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokeandtired3 · 15/09/2021 18:14

I've just seen a lovely little flat that is local and I could afford the depoist. It is under for private renting, what would I need to do next?

OP posts:
alliwantisabitofpeace · 15/09/2021 18:16

You need to tell him you need to see his credit report and lay out on the table everything he owes and work out payments plans with all his creditors. It doesn't make sense he's taken 3 years to pay 6 grand worth of debt and still paying it whilst he has no bills or family expenses.

Until he does this you have no way of going forward.

Even more so now he is working and you'll not be getting much money yourself.

Babynames2 · 15/09/2021 18:18

You can get the housing benefit part of UC with a private rental like that. So you would need to contact the estate agent/landlord, see if they accept being paid in this way. Explain you have a deposit of your own already which may help.

Double check housing benefit rates in your area using your local councils website to make sure it’s affordable for you. You will get a reduced council tax bill for being a single adult household as well.

Remember when you do want to go to work you’ll get help with childcare costs from UC as well.

Eralos · 15/09/2021 18:21

Now your Dc is 3 can you get the free nursery hours and maybe start working yourself? Save for your deposit and leave him! He’s adding nothing to your life.

Mrstamborineman · 15/09/2021 18:25

I opted for YABU. YABU to be with him a second longer. He is a waster, sorry.

Eralos · 15/09/2021 18:25

@Brokeandtired3 sorry I thought you said 3 years since you had your daughter. Ok 10 months that’s hard.

Babyroobs · 15/09/2021 18:37

How do you pay for everything if you are a sahm?

whataboutbob · 15/09/2021 18:45

@Brokeandtired3 well done for starting to take back control. Private renting just means re ting on the open market off a private landlord, not the council. AKA renting!

Cakeofdoom · 15/09/2021 18:47

The only way things will change is by you taking affirmative action. You have enabled his behaviour by allowing it.

You know what you have to do, don't waste any more time with this parasite.

EddyF · 15/09/2021 18:47

Contact social services. Tell them you need help for you and your baby due to relationship breakdown. Ask them to assist you with counselling as well as you have found yourself to be in a bad relationship that is affecting your mental health. Ask them to liaise with housing/private rent. They will have a list of local landlords that accept those on benefits.

Be proactive and start dreaming about a better feature for you and your daughter; that will kickstart a desire to move on.

Once settled, apply to university for a course that is a strong subject that will lead you to a professional career. They will help you with childcare.

By the time your child is 5, you will be a role model for them and change the direction of life for them.

FrenchBoule · 15/09/2021 18:50

YABU to be with him

Lucythewonderdog · 15/09/2021 18:55

Wow no job ever? Lucky us tax payers fund your shitshow and savings.

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2021 18:58

All vet Bill's are under my account and name. Does this mean if I leave I have rightful ownership of said pet

Yes.

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