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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Body buried wrong way round

181 replies

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:31

Not using normal name for this, as I've posted a lot about the two deceased and don't want it to be linked in case of future action. MNHQ have access to my past threads.

My very close relative died suddenly last year (not parent). They were fairly young. Their family had them buried in a double plot...all fine.

A couple of months ago another very close relative died (may be parent). They were buried in same grave.

At the time a few of us thought the second coffin went in the wrong way round, but all of us were too uncomfortable to speak up. Plus it was a bit of a disaster as we'd rushed up to yhe graveside, as the the hearse drove straight past us in the carpark, where we were waiting (last year the hearse stopped, family pallbearers carried the coffin and we walked behind).

When we arrived at the grave the coffin was already out!!!

We've been thinking about it and it's not right.

How can we put a headstone up when it will be at one person's feet?

It also means that peopke will be walking continuously over relative's head. We can't mark the grave, as it is in the part that only allows headstones.

It is a total fuck up!

We hsve a complication. When challenged the FD claims that the NOK ordered the body to be placed the wrong way. This can't be true as I was involved. Yes, the FD phoned NOK the day before, but said he would speak to them before the funeral. Then drove straight past us.

We never met this FD before the day, and they didn't introduce themselves. We arranged it with another, but he was off that day.

What would you do?

OP posts:
lughnasadh · 15/09/2021 10:34

I'd do nothing. It's just a body.

They'll be none the wiser - I mean will you care how you're buried?

Lavender24 · 15/09/2021 10:35

I would no nothing. With respect, I don't think people walking over the head is any different to walking over the feet.

TheVanguardSix · 15/09/2021 10:36

I am sure the deceased, of all people, has no problem with any of it, OP.
Flowers
They're at eternal peace.
Go and visit, lay flowers, pray if you are a person of faith, and try and connect with the spirit of that loved one as opposed to the remains. That person you love is no longer a physical entity and therefore no longer has any concerns attached to this world.
I hope you can find peace in that truth.

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:37

Maybe not, but I don't think that someone should get away with making a mistake like that then lying about NOK authorising it to save their back.

Maybe it doesn't matter to the dead, but it happens to matter to us. Thanks for useless reply.

OP posts:
ShaneTheThird · 15/09/2021 10:37

Sorry for your losses but honestly I would leave it, it makes no difference to the deceased.

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2021 10:37

Is so nothing at all.

EishetChayil · 15/09/2021 10:37

Non-issue.

bloodywhitecat · 15/09/2021 10:39

I would do nothing and place the headstone in line with the others, I would struggle more with disturbing the plot than I would with the idea they were top-to-toe with the other coffins.

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:40

So if you went to your lived one's grave and it was vandslised you wouldn't care?

I happen to think this is a pretty big thing,. Aren't all funeral ceremonies for the living? The FD fucked up and lied about a little old lady, I'm angry.

OP posts:
0palescent · 15/09/2021 10:40

I'm sorry for your loss.

With the best will in the world, and I don't want to upset you, but there's not much to be done about it now. You can still put a marker up, at the usual place, the direction a coffin is facing shouldn't stop you doing that.

iloveruby · 15/09/2021 10:41

Before my mum died I would have said to just leave it for the many sensible reasons already posted.
However, having now experienced a significant loss I can understand why that might be really difficult for you to do (not suggesting others haven't also experienced any loss of course).

I think the issue is whether you want the mistake acknowledged and apologised for, or if you also want it rectified.

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 10:41

If the issue is the FD lying, deal with that. Surely the NOK can verify they did not ask for that.

Not sure what them going straight to the grave side has to do with anything. That's fairly normal in my experience.

Maybe NOK didn't ask for them to stop at the entrance.

I mean this kindly, but I think your grief is making you blow all this put of proportion.

saoirse31 · 15/09/2021 10:41

I appreciate your feelings especially soon after the death, but really I have to agree with previous posters. Your loved ones are dead, whether religious or non believer, in both cases it can't matter to them. Would your relatives want this to be what you're thinking about, arguing and getting upset over? Probably not. Just accept that it's done and move on, erect the headstone etc.

Lookwhoseinsideagain · 15/09/2021 10:41

What's done is done.

iloveruby · 15/09/2021 10:42

And I would want it corrected (I don't know if that is practical or not).

Derbee · 15/09/2021 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

saoirse31 · 15/09/2021 10:43

The grave isn't vandalised op. It really isn't.

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:43

My baby daughter's coffin was kicked into the grave as the hole wasn't large enough. That traumatised me. I guess it shouldn't have as she was dead.

Not sure what I want done. I'm more upset that he lied about NOK.

OP posts:
ShaneTheThird · 15/09/2021 10:43

The grave wasn't vandalized op. I understand you are grieving. When I was grieving I too would be angry with this. Ultimately you need to put in a complaint to the FD about their lie.

MindyStClaire · 15/09/2021 10:43

WRT to the quick burial, apparently that's a covid thing. We got out of the car, gathered ourselves, then turned back around and the coffin was already in with no one there. The funeral director said afterwards that he'd told us but he hadn't - bound to forget the odd time I suppose.

This was in Ireland, but the rules may be similar where you are.

The wrong way around thing wouldn't bother me.

TreeTed · 15/09/2021 10:44

Do you want her to be dug up and reburied? If that is the least traumatic option for you and it will affect you forever more than do so.

As much as I am in the leave her as she is camp, I would also advise finding out if there is a regulatory body for funeral directors and seek advise/lodging a complaint with them as it’s a pretty big thing to get wrong.
The body already being at the graveside isn’t an issue, but very upsetting I imagine if you have visions of escorting it from the car like into a church etc.

wafflesandbeans · 15/09/2021 10:44

I think your grief, understandably, may be clouding your judgement here OP.

You should make a formal complaint to the FD and they should tell you what NOK advised them.

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 10:44

@keepsgettingworse

My baby daughter's coffin was kicked into the grave as the hole wasn't large enough. That traumatised me. I guess it shouldn't have as she was dead.

Not sure what I want done. I'm more upset that he lied about NOK.

No one said anything of the sort.

Surely you can see the difference in the situations?

Helenluvsrob · 15/09/2021 10:44

Vicars are traditionally buried feet at head end. So that when they rise on the day of judgment they are facing the people they minister to , in full vestments.

Unless that’s your faith / the faith of the deceased then who cares ?

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:46

No the NOK didn't ask them to go ahead, she is frail and disabled. The FD already had the coffin out before we arrived. NOK was out of breath and distressed.

It's the lying that upsets me the most.

OP posts:
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