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Original poster

Body buried wrong way round

181 replies

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:31

Not using normal name for this, as I've posted a lot about the two deceased and don't want it to be linked in case of future action. MNHQ have access to my past threads.

My very close relative died suddenly last year (not parent). They were fairly young. Their family had them buried in a double plot...all fine.

A couple of months ago another very close relative died (may be parent). They were buried in same grave.

At the time a few of us thought the second coffin went in the wrong way round, but all of us were too uncomfortable to speak up. Plus it was a bit of a disaster as we'd rushed up to yhe graveside, as the the hearse drove straight past us in the carpark, where we were waiting (last year the hearse stopped, family pallbearers carried the coffin and we walked behind).

When we arrived at the grave the coffin was already out!!!

We've been thinking about it and it's not right.

How can we put a headstone up when it will be at one person's feet?

It also means that peopke will be walking continuously over relative's head. We can't mark the grave, as it is in the part that only allows headstones.

It is a total fuck up!

We hsve a complication. When challenged the FD claims that the NOK ordered the body to be placed the wrong way. This can't be true as I was involved. Yes, the FD phoned NOK the day before, but said he would speak to them before the funeral. Then drove straight past us.

We never met this FD before the day, and they didn't introduce themselves. We arranged it with another, but he was off that day.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 15/09/2021 13:25

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also surprised how many others are saying just leave it, but equally do think there's an element of this being a target for your grief.

HOWEVER, the behaviour from the FD has been unacceptable and unprofessional. They are normally the most impeccable of service providers. I have never heard of a coffin being lowered into the grave before the family are present unless it's specifically requested.

I would absolutely complain, and if you don't get decent resolution and a full apology, if not, are they a member of a national association with a code of conduct/ standards.

Most importantly though, please don't exhaust yourself on this. It's important but it isn't the most important thing.

SaskiaRembrandt · 15/09/2021 13:29

I can see why you're upset OP, especially when the FD is not being honest about how it happened.

Maybe think about what a PP said about them facing each other, that's a nice way of looking at it.

Mischance · 15/09/2021 13:31

Deep breath - try and let this wash by you. It simply does not matter.

My OH was buried in 2020 and I have no idea which way round his body went in and it is of no importance to me. His "headstone" is where it is and it matters not which end of him it sits above.

When someone dies anger is a strong emotion and I guess you are focussing this anger on the funeral director.

You should let it go now. I am sure the deceased person would not have wished you to be in a fret.

notanothertakeaway · 15/09/2021 13:43

@HarrietsChariot

Not sure why people are saying "it doesn't matter" when clearly to the OP it does. You have the right to be buried how you like, but so does the OP's relative.

Nobody can say for sure what happens when you die. Maybe nothing, maybe something. But the law says you have to treat human remains with respect for a reason, you can only use them for limited purposes like research or museum displays. You cannot "own" human remains, only have custodianship of them. This is because human remains should be treated with consideration for the dead.

I agree with @HarrietsChariot

OP, I'm sorry some of the replies here show little empathy / understanding. It doesn't matter if some people wouldn't mind. You do. Arranging a funeral is the last thing you can do for someone, and it's comforting if you think you got it right, upsetting if it went wrong

I suggest you think carefully what you would like to happen, especially as you've said you wouldn't wish the coffin to be moved. Perhaps worth speaking to another FD for advice

Fcuk38 · 15/09/2021 13:53

There’s absolutely nothing in your post that says that the NOK defo didn’t make that instruction other than that you were involved? The FD will do exactly what the NOK wants so if that’s a last minute phone call that you were not privy to that’s what they will do. Are you certain that didn’t happen? In all honestly unless the NOK has an issue with this then it’s a non issue.

Staryflight445 · 15/09/2021 13:54

I guess the question is, why is it hurting you?

It’s not your loved one anymore, just their shell.

I don’t think the value we put on things like graves and ashes really helps with our grief.
You don’t want them to be moved, so what is it you really want from this situation?

Waitingforthecowstocomehome · 15/09/2021 13:58

@keepsgettingworse

So if you went to your lived one's grave and it was vandslised you wouldn't care?

I happen to think this is a pretty big thing,. Aren't all funeral ceremonies for the living? The FD fucked up and lied about a little old lady, I'm angry.

Sorry for your loss but it’s hardly vandalism. It would be more disruptive to start moving the buried relative, if that’s what you were thinking of.

If you’re not next of kin then it’s not really your business to start creating a fuss.

ClawedButler · 15/09/2021 13:59

I sympathise - I think any decent FD would never behave like this, causing additional distress at an already difficult time. It's all very well saying, "Oh they're dead they won't know", but I personally would feel very upset if, say, I'd asked for flowers to spell out a name that they then spelled wrong, especially if they then got arsey about it when it was pointed out.

ParkheadParadise · 15/09/2021 14:02

Staryflight445
I guess the question is, why is it hurting you?

It’s not your loved one anymore, just their shell.

Jesus Christ, that's a fucking a horrible thing to say.

CtrlU · 15/09/2021 14:05

@Staryflight445

I guess the question is, why is it hurting you?

It’s not your loved one anymore, just their shell.

I don’t think the value we put on things like graves and ashes really helps with our grief.
You don’t want them to be moved, so what is it you really want from this situation?

How nice of you to put it this way Confused
Staryflight445 · 15/09/2021 14:06

Many people actually find that endearing.

Rather than being offended….

Staryflight445 · 15/09/2021 14:06

They’re gone. It’s not horrible, it’s reality unfortunately.
Sugar coating stuff doesn’t help with grief either

Original poster
keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 14:10

@Fcuk38 I think I've explained several times that I not only was involved, but handheld the NOK all the way through. In fact the FD phoned me (not the one doing the ceremony), about people being allowed to visit the Chapel of Rest, as the NOK gave the FD permission for me to give instructions.

In fact the NOK asked me to accompany them to see the FD at the appointment this week, they never gave instruction to bury him that way.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 15/09/2021 14:21

The FD lying about the whole thing is really not on. I'd be telling everyone I spoke to about their poor service. To me, the whole pantomime just shows a total lack of respect, and surely the point of a FD is to enable you to mark the passing of a loved one with some dignity and respect. To not hit even this most basic standard, they shouldn't be in this business.

Original poster
keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 14:28

The actual FD is amazing! Unfortunately, due to Dsis not being able to make several dates, we had to wait a while, this meant that someone else stepped in to cover. We didn't meet this other FD beforehand, or talk to him. He briefly spoke to NOK, and said he would go through arrangements on the morning. That never happened.

It's a shame as the original FD was amazing.

OP posts:
Nonimai · 15/09/2021 14:36

I agree with you. A week after I buried a relative ,the administrator for the graveyard he is buried in said that this relative had chosen and paid for another plot. I was furious and upset because I had buried him with his mum and he obviously didn’t want that. What to do? Dig him up and re-bury? In the end I decided to donate the plot back to the church for someone who couldn’t afford and just live with the mistake. It still stings - but sometimes we have to just shrug our shoulders and say some things are best left.

beastlyslumber · 15/09/2021 14:42

Maybe could you speak to the original FD and see what they advise? I also wonder if there is an ombudsman who you could make a complaint to. I'm not sure what practically can be done, but I agree that you deserve better.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I completely understand why you find this distressing. I'm a little bit shocked by some of the callous responses on here tbh.

Biscoffee · 15/09/2021 14:43

@ParkheadParadise

Staryflight445 I guess the question is, why is it hurting you?

It’s not your loved one anymore, just their shell.

Jesus Christ, that's a fucking a horrible thing to say.

Of course it’s their loved one.

I don’t think of any of my relatives as being in Heaven. I don’t look down at their grave and think that’s my mums vessel. I look down and say hi mum. My relatives are where they were buried.

There are some absolute horrors in this thread and if lashing out at someone in grief makes you feel better you really do need to go and seek professional help.

lemmein · 15/09/2021 14:44

I totally understand where you're coming from OP, I think I would feel the same.

When my brother died the FD was appalling - he made jokes constantly, told us he didn't agree with cremations Hmm When we went to the funeral home my brother was put in what can only be described as a broom cupboard - it was the first time I'd seen someone after death, I was expecting to be able to walk up to the coffin in my own time - but as soon as the FD opened the door my brother was there, right in front of me - it really disturbed me as daft as it sounds. We were all crammed in this tiny room saying our goodbyes and the dick of a FD thought it was an ideal opportunity to pop his head in for more banter 😐

My brother took his own life in his 20s - we were all devastated, especially my poor mum. I know that dark humour is probably obligatory in a job where you're dealing with dead bodies all day but ffs, the wanker did not read the room at all. He is my main memory of that day, not my brother.

100% complain; I wish I had - they should have apologised profusely, it probably would've went a long way to ease your anger. Grief is brutal enough without feeling that the final goodbye was somehow 'wrong'.

malificent7 · 15/09/2021 14:46

Bless you...sorry for uour loss but im sure your relatives wouldn't mind...not worth exhuming them.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 15/09/2021 14:47

Good grief, that’s a serious cock up.
If it was a member of my family, I’d insist they open the grave and re-bury the coffin facing the correct way (East).

ClawedButler · 15/09/2021 14:52

Your original FD also needs to know, so they don't make the mistake of thinking they can refer work on to this clowns in the future.

ClawedButler · 15/09/2021 14:52

*these clowns

Dixiechickonhols · 15/09/2021 14:56

A google has brought up NAFD (sort of ombudsman for funeral directors) and they have complaints process.
It would be for nok who employed them to complain. Start with formal complaint to funeral company then refer on if not resolved.
If funeral director is saying nok wanted it this way then it’s not straight forward. But It does seem odd to put it other way around. Sorry for your loss.

Sacredspace · 15/09/2021 14:58

But it matters to OP…