Body buried wrong way round

[keepsgettingworse]

Not using normal name for this, as I've posted a lot about the two deceased and don't want it to be linked in case of future action. MNHQ have access to my past threads.

My very close relative died suddenly last year (not parent). They were fairly young. Their family had them buried in a double plot...all fine.

A couple of months ago another very close relative died (may be parent). They were buried in same grave.

At the time a few of us thought the second coffin went in the wrong way round, but all of us were too uncomfortable to speak up. Plus it was a bit of a disaster as we'd rushed up to yhe graveside, as the the hearse drove straight past us in the carpark, where we were waiting (last year the hearse stopped, family pallbearers carried the coffin and we walked behind).

When we arrived at the grave the coffin was already out!!!

We've been thinking about it and it's not right.

How can we put a headstone up when it will be at one person's feet?

It also means that peopke will be walking continuously over relative's head. We can't mark the grave, as it is in the part that only allows headstones.

It is a total fuck up!

We hsve a complication. When challenged the FD claims that the NOK ordered the body to be placed the wrong way. This can't be true as I was involved. Yes, the FD phoned NOK the day before, but said he would speak to them before the funeral. Then drove straight past us.

We never met this FD before the day, and they didn't introduce themselves. We arranged it with another, but he was off that day.

What would you do?

I think there's a focus on the thread of the emotions this brings up and of grief, but if you get down to the issue at hand, a provider of a service has done a shoddy job and has lied to cover his own ass

A very shoddy job indeed. How on earth did they manage to put the body in the wrong way round?
But aside from this, the funeral was badly handled with the hearse driving ahead and the coffin being taken out before the family got to the grave.
I think the OP should make a complaint to the funeral director about this and also leave a review online so that others can be forewarned.

I don't know why some people on here are being so horrible about this. If it wouldn't upset them, fine, but it obviously is upsetting the OP so a little sympathy and empathy wouldn't go amiss.

@keepsgettingworse

My baby daughter's coffin was kicked into the grave as the hole wasn't large enough. That traumatised me. I guess it shouldn't have as she was dead.

Not sure what I want done. I'm more upset that he lied about NOK.

I do think this is different, that would really upset me too.

But with the one where the coffin might be the wrong way round, think about what it is you want

• do you want the grave dug up and the coffin changed? That would upset me more, but that may be what you want/need
• do you want an apology from the FD and acknowledgment that they did wrong? Then persue that.

Sorry for your loss OP, it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else think, if this really upsets you, then you need to find a way to resolve it.

I really, really couldn't get worked up about this. I don't even know which way around my mum's coffin was buried tbh, I can't see how or why it's even relevant. You're never (hopefully) going to dig it up!

Ah, OP, I am sorry you've had this experience.
I'd complain and keep complaining to the FD & professional bodies.
(I'd not go to the Press though as your grief is too private for that)

If you don't want the body exhumed then I'd press for a written apology and possibly a small amount of financial compensation (as they didn't fulfill their contract correctly and have caused you distress). If you obtain that it could be put towards a footstone / border / large beautiful plant / er so you could make the grave lovely.

I hope you are able to find resolution so you can concentrate on good memories of the deceased x.

By all means complain to funeral director but not sure if and how you could rectify. Wrong year of death carved on the box my granny’s ashes were interred in. Only spotted at grave so left it. Funeral director had been good in other ways and I figured the box would be rotted through in a year or two anyway.

My friend is buried the wrong way around. At the burial nobody in her “row” had a headstone and I didn’t think that much of it. She is facing west and in our faith you would normally face east, but again, at the burial I didn’t notice. She had a cross marker for about 2 years and when her headstone went up (in line with the other new stones) I noticed it was at the foot end. I actually don’t know if it’s at her feet and you are at/on her head when you stand and talk to her or if it is actually on her head and her feet are behind it itswim. There’s nobody I can ask, her dc were toddlers, her parents were dead, she was an only child and her H was having an affair when she died so it was a huge mess. I do find it weird and it niggles me but in time you do arrive at peace.
I’ve been to a completely unrelated funeral where the FD was a total bellend and that’s hard too.
I don’t know if you are like me, but when I’m stressed and have a lot going on I tend to focus on something and lose my shit over it. I don’t know why but maybe I feel I can attach my emotions to the smaller issue and then the big issue won’t be able to take me over.
I did once read that most old stones aren’t put over the actual grave so you can tend the grave without being on top of the body. Not sure if that’s true or not.
Don’t have any actual advice. I think your best bet from the POV of your own well-being would be to let go but it sounds like you’ve had a lot of letting go to do so I understand your need to hold on.

I completely understand why you're so upset by this, I would be too in your situation. It's about respect for the person you've lost and I wonder how many people would feel as OK about it if the body of their loved one had been dismissively handled when being prepared for burial

Just take a look at the AMA by someone who worked in a crematorium to see how important it is to people that their loved ones are treated with care and respect all the way through the funeral process.

I would absolutely complain and ask for it to be remedied if the NOK and immediate family want it to be. You don't specify your relationship to the deceased and I don't know how upset their NOK is or if, forgive me, they're responding to your emotion.

They sound vulnerable so I trust they don't feel pressured into addressing this. I'm not accusing you of anything, but its easy for a person to feel pressured unintentionally and I would give them time and space to make their decision uninfluenced.

If it was a religious service I'd also speak to the person who conducted it (eg priest) and in fact you might find it helpful to speak to a vicar (or equivalent) if it was a secular service.

I'm deeply sorry for your losses and for the added distress caused by the funeral director.

I see the problem OP and although the person has sadly died, you and the other family members are still here and should be treated with respect.

In this context, if it matters to you then it matters. I would complain and if an apology will suffice then I certainly hope you get one.

It really doesnt matter. But if it matters to you thats important. It all depends whether clear instructions were given by the next of kin and they weren't followed. In which case complain in writing to them and then next to their professional body.,

I am sorry for your losses. I would ask the FD to explain why the coffin was placed the other way round. Why they thought this is what the NOK wanted. I do hope you get this sorted so you can all grieve

(last year the hearse stopped, family pallbearers carried the coffin and we walked behind).

When we arrived at the grave the coffin was already out!!!

At every funeral I attended last year the gravediggers carried the coffin from the hearse and also took the cords(covid related)

The last funeral in which family carried the coffin from the hearse was my dd's 6 years ago. At my mum's 4 years ago it was the gravediggers although the family did take the cords.

I'm surprised at the number of insensitive responses here. I can understand why you find this distressing OP.

Amazed at the 'who cares' posts! Op you've been provided with a poor service from a so-called professional at one of the most important events we would ever experience.
Absolutely a serious complaint should be made for appalling way it was handled more than the original error itself. If a fd can't care for the service they provide (and take ownership of it) they shouldn't be allowed anywhere people who are at their most vulnerable in raw grief.

OP - here is a link which may be of help

www.nafd.org.uk/standards/committee-for-professional-standards/

Sympathies for all your losses. You may benefit from sitting down and chatting with your vicar, priest, rabbi, other religious leader about this. They should be able to comfort you and ease your worries.

I am guessing this is a newish plot in the cemetery. The headstones will be place in line with what the cemetery planners have proposed. All will be in line with each other, you don't get to choose.

In the cemetery that I am most familiar with the graves are arranged perpendicular to each side of the main path west to east, east to west and then back to back as you walk away from the main path. As you head north into the newer part of the cemetery, the graves are arranged parallel to the main path, first graves have the headstones to the north, second row have headstones to the south, so back to back here too.

When my own time comes I am hoping to be in a woodland/natural burial plot, where trees and wildflowers might grow over me, giving life to future generations who might walk all over me. No headstone, please but I would like some prayers.

@TaraR2020 I promise that I haven't pressured them. They wanted to complain about the funeral, I originally tried to talk them round.

Dsis wants him exhumed and reinterred the 'correct' way, we don't really. I think it would be too upsetting.

Dsis wants him exhumed and reinterred the 'correct' way, we don't really. I think it would be too upsetting.

Given that the only two solutions are this one, or letting it go and moving on, I don't know what you do what?

There are two separate issues here. First is the way the coffin is buried. That really isn’t such a big problem and you need to make peace with it as it isn’t going to change.

Second is the behaviour and lack of professionalism from the funeral director. If they fell short of expectations then you absolutely should raise a complaint with them to make sure they look in to what happened and that it doesn’t happen again. I would do that but make sure I am sticking to the facts about how they behaved rather than focussing on the coffin being the wrong way round.

I'm sorry but I'm a confused.
When you got to the graveside who took the Cords? Family or Gravediggers.

[quote keepsgettingworse]@TaraR2020 I promise that I haven't pressured them. They wanted to complain about the funeral, I originally tried to talk them round.

Dsis wants him exhumed and reinterred the 'correct' way, we don't really. I think it would be too upsetting.[/quote]
Well then you're supporting them in the best way you can.

Have a chat with a local vicar (if you're comfortable doing so) not only are they experienced in funerals but they'll understand the distress you all feel and I imagine will be able to advise you on the best way forward.

If you decide to leave the deceased as they are (sorry calling them the deceased sounds a little personal but I don't know their relationship to you and trying to be respectful) then I would complain to the funeral directors and if you don't get a satisfactory response I would escalate to the regulators (assuming the industry has one) or a best practice body.

@keepsgettingworse

I understand why this matters. I hope that your discussion with the 'new' FD later helps.

FWIW - your comment about them not wanting to be by each other's smelly feet really struck a chord. So sorry for your losses.

I understand you OP and I would be upset too. Just so you know, not everyone here is unsympathetic or dismissing your upset as "grief clouding your judgement" and "what does it matter." It matters to you, graves matter to people. If they don't matter to everyone, it doesn't mean the people who do care should have to lump their own upset.

I would go back to it. Gather more information, not to act on necessarily but just to have the full facts at hand including whether it is possible to have the coffin put the correct way round in the ground (I don't know, but it is maybe worth the ask). I'm sorry for your loss and the upset you've had with this, I know how distressing it all is. x

So sorry for your losses. What do you think would make you feel better? Do you want an apology? Would a complaint suffice? If you don't want an exhumation, could you think of another narrative about how they were laid to rest that would make you feel better?

I think I would leave things as they are, but would make a complaint. Their excuse is mind blowing. They have made a significant mistake, and as FD should very much have an understanding of how this may affect the bereaved. I think I could move on from this, but who knows? It is a very unusual situation, and I can't understand how pps can be so flippant with their woefully lacking in empathy responses, towards a bereaved OP. 💐