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AIBU?

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Original poster

Body buried wrong way round

181 replies

keepsgettingworse · 15/09/2021 10:31

Not using normal name for this, as I've posted a lot about the two deceased and don't want it to be linked in case of future action. MNHQ have access to my past threads.

My very close relative died suddenly last year (not parent). They were fairly young. Their family had them buried in a double plot...all fine.

A couple of months ago another very close relative died (may be parent). They were buried in same grave.

At the time a few of us thought the second coffin went in the wrong way round, but all of us were too uncomfortable to speak up. Plus it was a bit of a disaster as we'd rushed up to yhe graveside, as the the hearse drove straight past us in the carpark, where we were waiting (last year the hearse stopped, family pallbearers carried the coffin and we walked behind).

When we arrived at the grave the coffin was already out!!!

We've been thinking about it and it's not right.

How can we put a headstone up when it will be at one person's feet?

It also means that peopke will be walking continuously over relative's head. We can't mark the grave, as it is in the part that only allows headstones.

It is a total fuck up!

We hsve a complication. When challenged the FD claims that the NOK ordered the body to be placed the wrong way. This can't be true as I was involved. Yes, the FD phoned NOK the day before, but said he would speak to them before the funeral. Then drove straight past us.

We never met this FD before the day, and they didn't introduce themselves. We arranged it with another, but he was off that day.

What would you do?

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 15/09/2021 11:00

@Arabelladrinkstea

I would write a letter asking them to remedy this within say 30 days. If this doesn’t happen I’d go straight to the papers. It’s the quickest easiest way to get it fixed rather than a drawn out court proceedings. You could set up a go fund me to raise the costs yourselves of having your loved one exhumed and turned around. I work in PR, and for what it’s worth the papers would love this as they’re anti funeral directors at the moment - which is a shame as I also work in that industry and can honestly say 99% of funeral directors are amazing. I’m so sorry this has happened and yes you have every right to be upset Flowers
You work in pr and in the funeral industry? I don't agree that the papers are the quickest way to solving this 🙄 surely just telling the funeral directors firmly what you want is?
Sparechange · 15/09/2021 11:00

@Arabelladrinkstea

I would write a letter asking them to remedy this within say 30 days. If this doesn’t happen I’d go straight to the papers. It’s the quickest easiest way to get it fixed rather than a drawn out court proceedings. You could set up a go fund me to raise the costs yourselves of having your loved one exhumed and turned around. I work in PR, and for what it’s worth the papers would love this as they’re anti funeral directors at the moment - which is a shame as I also work in that industry and can honestly say 99% of funeral directors are amazing. I’m so sorry this has happened and yes you have every right to be upset Flowers
I also work in PR and this is absolutely terrible terrible advice Don’t go to the papers unless you want your family trolled and mocked You’re clearly hurting and grieving Hundreds of Daily Mail reader comments insulting you isn’t going to help you, or the memory of your relatives
Blossomtoes · 15/09/2021 11:02

@Derbee

OP, in the kindest way, is it possible that your grief is making you fixate your energy and anger on something tangible? Make a complaint to the FD if you feel it will help you, but a lot of people would be more upset by disturbing a grave, than a coffin facing the wrong way. It’s personal choice
This. I got hugely upset after my dad died over something completely ridiculous. I look back now and marvel at how I made a big deal out of not very much. I hope you can forget about this and move forward @keepsgettingworse 💐
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/09/2021 11:02

@WishingWell5

If it matters to you, it matter. Simple as that. Can you phone the regulatory body for advice (NAFD)?
Agree with this. It clearly matters to you and is a point of distress. Have your say and challenge the lie.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/09/2021 11:04

I would also suggest removing the thread now. So your dilemma doesn't end up in the DM side bar of shame.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/09/2021 11:04

@keepsgettingworse

Maybe not, but I don't think that someone should get away with making a mistake like that then lying about NOK authorising it to save their back.

Maybe it doesn't matter to the dead, but it happens to matter to us. Thanks for useless reply.

I can totally understand why you are upset. It wouldn't bother me, personally, but different people have different emotions and grief is hard to cope with.

If you are concerned about people walking over the head of the second person, could you perhaps place a "footstone" at the grave, too? This would mean that no-one would tread on that part.

I know it isn't much comfort to you, but in some countries I believe it is customary to put the headstone at the foot of the grave (don't ask me why they still call it a "headstone" in this case.

I know you are extremely upset by this, but the FD is obviously going to fight his/her corner, and if this was a telephone conversation there will be no record of it. It will be your word against theirs. It may also have been a genuine misunderstanding if the conversation was a bit ambiguous. If your want your relative re-interred it is likely to be very expensive, and (I admit I have no idea of the law - if anyone knows the protocol please correct me) may even involve Home Office permission as you can't just go around disturbing graves.

Think about having a foot stone, or a border around the grave which would prevent people treading on the site.

TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 15/09/2021 11:05

I’m surprised that someone allegedly working in the funeral sector doesn’t appear to recognise how unlikely it is that consent would be given for an exhumation. Anyway, OP has already said that that’s not what they want.

Justwanttotravel · 15/09/2021 11:06

Who arranged the funeral, signed the paperwork? That person makes the decisions on what happens whether next of kin or not! If next of kin did not sign the arrangement papers they are not able to make decisions without that persons agreement..

AntiSocialDistancer · 15/09/2021 11:06

I'd want it fixed. I would struggle to rest.

Write a letter to the manager of the funeral home, ask for protocols. Surely if there was to be an unusual request for the position of a coffin it would be documented. "S/He said so" doesn't sound valid.

I'm sure they will be sympathetic.

Wole · 15/09/2021 11:06

@keepsgettingworse

Thank you all. I haven't grieved at all yet.

We will complain (don't want him exhumed). But the FD was horrible, made us hurry and now, when confronted by colleagues, is lying that we specified it. It may not be a big problem, but he made a mistake and is blaming us, that needs addressing, as it would with sny other mistake and lying.

I would want an apology
GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 15/09/2021 11:06

First, I’m so sorry for your losses.
Please take a little time to process your grief as much as possible.
If this is still an issue for you then try nafd.org.uk/resolve/
It’s an ombudsman for funeral directors

Chikapu · 15/09/2021 11:08

@cereallover

Op I think you should say something and get it fixed.

The people saying oh its just a body blah blah,that is someone's much loved family member you are talking about. How would you like it if someone referred to your deceased parents like that??!!

Both my parents have passed away, their bodies literally are just their bodies and it's fine for someone to refer to them that way. Whatever makes us what we are is gone once we die, a body is what's left.
lockdownalli · 15/09/2021 11:08

I am very sorry for your loss OP but agree with PP.

Your grief is making you blow up this very small and inconsequential detail into a huge drama.

I don't think taking action against the FD is going to bring you the peace you need Flowers

Maves · 15/09/2021 11:09

@lughnasadh how insensitive

Claraboochuffing · 15/09/2021 11:10

OP..I am so shocked by some of these replies. It is not a non issue. It does matter. I hope you find some peace

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/09/2021 11:11

Sorry - I have just seen that the FD has somewhat aggressively blamed your DM, and that is the most painful part for you.

However they are unlikely to apologise as that would be an admission of an error on their part.

armanted · 15/09/2021 11:12

I can see why you're upset OP. You feel what you feel and I'd never even realised that a coffin could go in the wrong way round, I just assumed the headstone was at the head of the person, hence the name! When DH visit's his parent's grave he talks to the headstone end as most people do surely.

I really hope you get this sorted. Flowers

godmum56 · 15/09/2021 11:12

I am confused about the mention of your baby's coffin?

Derbee · 15/09/2021 11:14

@godmum56 the OP has clearly had a traumatic experience at the burial of her baby, and it may be clouding her judgement on this issue, as it is dragging up past trauma. Not sure what’s confusing

Bluetrews25 · 15/09/2021 11:15

What would it take for you to feel better?
You say you don't want exhumation and reburial (and that might not be wise anyway if the original burial was some time ago). So what do you want?
You may only feel better when you are able to put down your resentment and hurt about this and walk away from it.
You can't change the situation, only your rection to it. Do you choose to carry all this hurt around like a hot coal for months and expect the FD to feel the pain? That won't happen. At some point you can choose to move on from these feelings.One day you will feel better about it. Let that day come sooner rather than later. Forgiveness is about you stopping those resentful feelings that only hurt you. Forgiveness is so that you, not the one who hurt you, can feel easier.
It is probably easier to fixate on this issue rather than allow yourself to process your grief from your two losses. Sorry you are hurting.
Flowers

HarrietsChariot · 15/09/2021 11:18

Not sure why people are saying "it doesn't matter" when clearly to the OP it does. You have the right to be buried how you like, but so does the OP's relative.

Nobody can say for sure what happens when you die. Maybe nothing, maybe something. But the law says you have to treat human remains with respect for a reason, you can only use them for limited purposes like research or museum displays. You cannot "own" human remains, only have custodianship of them. This is because human remains should be treated with consideration for the dead.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 15/09/2021 11:18

I’m sorry this happened OP. I’m particularly sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter’ coffin - that is dreadful and I would find that very traumatising.

All my loved ones that have passed have been cremated so I’m not sure about family plots. Is it possible that to get all the coffins to fit some have to go the “other” way around? And if so is it possible the FD (who sounds like a dickhead) tried to explain this to NOK who sounded like they agreed but understandably wasn’t really listening? And so possibly a misunderstanding?

godmum56 · 15/09/2021 11:19

[quote Derbee]@godmum56 the OP has clearly had a traumatic experience at the burial of her baby, and it may be clouding her judgement on this issue, as it is dragging up past trauma. Not sure what’s confusing[/quote]
yes I get that but how does this change what has happened this time?

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2021 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 15/09/2021 11:20

Sorry for your loss

Don’t know where you’d start to organise something like this, perhaps fd first ? I havent had to deal with a burial myself, but can only imagine if it were a member of my family, yes I’d be upset. And yes, I’d want it changed. I wouldn’t want my close family buried the wrong way round, it just would not sit right and niggle away at me.