To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

[CarrotParsnips]

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

No he doesn’t have a problem with it. But it is very restrictive and also very lonely when someone is there all the time yet permanently unavailable.

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I had identical feelings when my DH was working from home and I had a baby/young toddler (and was depressed). I found it made me feel incredibly lonely, claustrophobic, unable to concentrate fully on getting on with time with my child, and absolutely (though in my case irrationally) livid with DH.

Speaking for myself, I found that being able to take DH as much out of the equation as possible really helped - I discovered I was a much better and more capable mother when he was either fully present or not present, rather than feeling that he was sort of half there and half not. Is there a chance you could put in a door between you, not just for the noise insulation (though that would be a bonus) but for the psychological boost of feeling that he is not inhabiting the space with you? I would also consider whether there are any possibilities of company on some evenings, whether at home or out somewhere - I think you said you had no local family, but any "mum friends" who might be up for meeting occasionally, either at your home/theirs or out somewhere? Or a local play cafe where you can put him in the baby soft play area and have a coffee? Local library still open, with children's area (and preferably with cafe)? At home, I found having peaceful music on the background on quite calming (and was nice for the baby to listen to), and when I was feeling overwhelmed I used to just take the baby and retreat to the sofa with tea and chocolate/cake (for me!), and a huge pile of books to read to him.

Apologies, obviously, if all these suggestions are way off the mark for you, or not practical.

@CarrotParsnips Hi OP Please ignore other posters getting all het up about routines. The only routine we have is a bed time routine. Anything else through the day is simply 'winging it' If it works for you, it works for you!

As for the time you pick him up, do you think he'd be happier at nursery?

OP, I think I’ve read all your posts but apologies if I have missed something. If you just did your thing in the kitchen/living area while he is working, what would happen? Would he be annoyed or not bothered? If he isn’t bothered, you would at least have more space there than in a smaller living room or bedroom.
I would leave your DC in nursery a bit longer. Mine did 8.30 to about 4.45 from 8 months old and were fine. Ok they usually did 3 days only, but it would have been about 5 when we got home on nursery days. I had some toys in the living area and we had a play for a bit with me down on the floor with him and then I’d start the cooking. We ate together (nursery did a snack at about 3) and then had cuddle and stories and then bath. Bedtime was about 7.30. It didn’t seem to drag.
I would definitely let him stay a bit longer at nursery and think that when you get him home it is not long until teatime. But I would not avoid the main living space. I would think of it as DH working in the living room not that my home had become an office.
But I do understand about the impact of partners working from home. My DH went into the office this morning and stayed until about 3. I absolutely loved being in the house on my own. I have struggled with not having it to myself for all these months. I also can’t stand feeling I should say when I’m going out as I wouldn’t have when he was in the office. So I now say at breakfast that I’ll probably be out at some point and then I just go.

The loud teams meetings annoy the hell out of me as well. If he’s left the door open I very pointedly shut it. And yes, I am aware that I’m doing more or less the same when teaching on zoom.
But I would refuse to view my home as an office. Your DH is working in your living room. I’d think of it that way.

Some of these replies! Why should she trudge around in the dark and cold after a full day at work? Especially since she said her baby doesn’t like the buggy. That’d be fun.

I’ve read the entire thread. I think your best solution is leave him in nursery until 5.30. It sounds so stressful otherwise. All these ideas of baking 🤣, building stuff, messy play sound exhausting. And why would they be quiet? How do people propose she keeps a 9 month old silent??

Yes it’s a DH problem but not one that the OP can solve right away and her mental health is more important.

Leave him in nursery for now. Get a bit of time and breathing space back for yourself and hopefully something will change with DP. Back to the office at some point maybe. But one step at a time.

What toys do you have? Do you have a ball pit? If not get one. My DS loved sitting it at that age (and sending the balls flying in all directions). I used to get a muffin/cupcake baking tray and he would spend ages putting the balls in the holes.

I agree you don't want to be doing craft stuff etc at that time of day. You need some easily accessible toys and CBeebies!

Approaching 1 hear old so assume he Is he not waking (If so - get some reins and get out for a toddle. The walk and fresh air will tire him out, jumping in puddles is my 2yo Ds’s fave thing in the world)

If not walking/toddling age yet then try a carrier? or just playing in garden? A cuddle in mamas bed upstairs, A drive? A mooch around a local toy shop, a trip to buy their favourite fruit from the supermarket (my most useful bribe atm!) can your DH go upstairs so baby has free reign to be loud downstairs?

Also, it’s not always this hard. They’re more easily distracted by games/tv/crafts/sensory play when they’re a bit bigger.

Tbh this is actually about your relationship not what to do with your baby.
Fast forward a few years (or even 1year) and what will you do with a very active and loud toddler?
You are going to be devising situations to pacify your husband at the expense of your child.
Then as the years progress and everything goes your husband's way and you still are bowing to his needs over yours, your child will witness what's going on and start treating you the same (and other people)
Honestly, you need to nip this in the bud before it gets a whole lot worse for yourself and thinking about activities for a few hours is going to be the least of your worries.

Leaving doesn't actually cause any problems. It's going to help you move away from a lifetime of being second, of having a life of "make do". It's like you think you're only worthy of the life you're living now but you aren't happy, are you?