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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

209 replies

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 07:05

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse Sad

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

OP posts:
mutedrainbows · 15/09/2021 10:19

And you're absolutely not a shit mum. Not for not liking that time between pickup and bedtime and not for wanting to keep him in nursery a bit longer. Please don't think that.

Milkbottlelegs · 15/09/2021 10:21

What time does your OH finish work? I would break it down as follows:

4-5pm walk if not torrential rain, or home for play. Pick a few toys or books and leave them out. This will get easier as he gets older.
5-6pm dinner time (that’s a bit of a stretch, but probably not far off by the time you e roe prepped and cleared away)
6-7pm bath time and night garden
7pm onwards - reading, milk, cuddles on the sofa, head up to bed about 7.30pk for asleep by 8.

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 10:23

Try a dramatically earlier bedtime OP.

My DC1 went through a phase and starting bedtime at 5.30pm to be up in bed by 6pm was an incredible difference.

ReggaetonLente · 15/09/2021 10:45

People are obsessed with routines for babies in the UK. All routines ever did was stress me out so we never had one, still don't really at 3! And my kid is thriving.

Just wanted to say, some babies are just tricky. One of mine was, one wasn't. That's how I know it was nothing I did. As they grow they get easier. It won't be like this forever. You're doing a great job.

Tee20x · 15/09/2021 11:04

Why are people so obsessed with baby's bedtime and routine. OP has already said she follows wake windows and as babies may wake up earlier/later obviously timings will shift a bit day to day.

If 8pm bedtime works for her then obviously she should continue with this as I think by now she knows her baby better than anyone on here. I also have a DD who goes to bed between 8-9pm as this is what works for us as a family, any earlier and she is constantly waking through the night and wakes too early in the morning.

ANYWAY - I second a PP on here about making noise in the home to force your husband out. He is working in your home, you are not in his workspace. He knows what time baby finishes nursery and you will be home, if noise and disruption is an issue he can go elsewhere. Simply saying "he won't" and working around it is silly. Force him out, either by telling him he needs to move elsewhere or just carry on as normal and if it's too loud for him I'm sure he will move.

It will only get worse, when your child is walking and running around he will be harder to contain like others have said.

Mummybeebumbling · 15/09/2021 11:12

OP you’re doing a great job. Ignore some of the ‘poor baby’ responses on here. You sound like you have your baby’s best interests at heart, or you wouldn’t be posting here. I have a nearly 9 month old too and also have an older child. I can’t imagine taking them to the library after they’ve had a full day in nursery and I’ve had a full day in work, we’d all be a bit too tired, and they’d probably fall asleep on the way home! I also agree that walking around in the dark and cold doesn’t sound much fun either.

I agree with other posters that the issue does seem to be that you (understandably) can’t relax at home with your husband working, and I think he does need to listen to you about that, but I know you’ve said that is how it is at the moment. I wouldn’t be worrying about being really quiet though. If he wants to work from home he’ll need to accept that his baby will be there from a certain time and babies do make noise!

From 4 till bedtime is a bit of a witching hour(s) in our house too. I found moving dinner a bit earlier helps so she doesn’t get hungry. Does your little one enjoy a bath? That can pass some time and can be lots of fun, you can sing some songs and splash with them, even get in with them if you fancy it. Your baby might also enjoy playing with random objects from around the house, mine particularly enjoys banging a wooden spoon! Also those ‘that’s not my books’ are a big win at the moment.

It’s absolutely fine to leave them in nursery for an extra hour when you want to so that you can decompress after work. You’re allowed a guilt free break.

Be kind to yourself and remember you’re doing a great job.

RaspberryThief · 15/09/2021 11:54

In your position, if DP absolutely refused to move (given that I think you said upthread that he could actually move, but won't) then I would simply get on with living life in my house with my baby and not worry about disturbing him. Either you will find that he's not actually all that disturbed after all, or he will find that he needs to move after all.

You and your baby need space to relax at home at the end of a long and tiring day at work/nursery. Your DP needs to accommodate this as far as he can. You can't make him move, but you can occupy your own house in a reasonable manner (not suggesting you actually get out the saucepan lids and wooden spoons and shoo baby into the dining room with him, just do whatever normal activities you would like to do and currently feel you can't).

BeHappyAndSmile · 15/09/2021 12:03

Oh ignore all these bloody bedtime comments! You know your baby, you've spent every day with them for 9 months. If an earlier bedtime doesn't work why the hell would you force it on them? God people think because something worked for their kid it's the only way to do it, I've got a friend that's similar irl and it's just as shitty then too. My 11 month old also goes to bed around 8 and he's perfectly happy with it so if it works for you and your baby then you're doing a great job.

As for what to do with the evening, if your baby is happy and enjoying themselves then don't feel bad for leaving them in nursery (again people looooove to guilt you about this but sometimes it's actually best for the child) they can play and work off the last of the energy and you can get shit done or just relax for a bit and feel like you again not just going from employee and straight into mum mode. Happy mum means happy baby.

winniedaisy · 15/09/2021 12:19

Honestly, buy a puddle suit and wellies and go outside. It really is the best thing and will tire him out for bedtime.
I always feel better being outside aslong as it's not hammering it down obviously. Then you can come home read stories before dinner or play with toys. Cosmic kids yoga on YouTube is great for rainy afternoons.
Those two hours are tough though op. I know the feeling.

ReggaetonLente · 15/09/2021 12:28

@winniedaisy

Honestly, buy a puddle suit and wellies and go outside. It really is the best thing and will tire him out for bedtime. I always feel better being outside aslong as it's not hammering it down obviously. Then you can come home read stories before dinner or play with toys. Cosmic kids yoga on YouTube is great for rainy afternoons. Those two hours are tough though op. I know the feeling.
He's 9 months old though, I don't think wellies and a puddle suit will help a pre walker and yoga might be a bit advanced
NameChange30 · 15/09/2021 12:35
Grin My thoughts exactly!
sar302 · 15/09/2021 14:11

Just pick him up at 5. If he enjoys nursery, it's no hardship for him. Plenty of people don't finish work til 5.30 for a 6pm pick up, then you just have time for a quick play, dinner, bath and bed.

It's not ideal that your husband is working where he is, but that's life.

An extra hour at home with you is only beneficial if you're both enjoying yourselves. In 6 months time he'll be walking and it will (hopefully!) be better weather.

He will never remember whether you picked him up at 4 or 5pm form nursery when he was 9 months old. Do whatever is easiest and most pleasant for everyone.

winniedaisy · 15/09/2021 14:13

Apologies. Read in a rush. Didn't see he was 9 months old.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 14:50

It’s not a problem @winniedaisy but to be fair the question was about autumn and winter and I’m not going to be putting on a puddle suit and wellies and going for walks in the pitch dark, even when he is walking!

OP posts:
Fernando072020 · 15/09/2021 15:17

Hi op, I'm not sure if you saw my post as we cross posted but I'd still recommend a carrier if you're able to get one. It'll get you out and about even for an hour. Sorry you've been getting so much shit. It's difficult at this age

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:20

So if you could make a noise… what would you be doing?

Marni83 · 15/09/2021 15:20

I don’t really understand
It seems like you have an issue with 4-8
Irrespective of fact your dh is working from home?

doadeer · 15/09/2021 15:29

I think your DH working in the main family room is the issue.

After nursery I would always bring a little one home not to the park or library when it's dark. They want to be at home. I would do their dinner, bath, little play, watch in the night garden or something. 8pm sounds really late, I think we did bedtime at 7 so winddown started at 6.

Your DH needs to work elsewhere so it doesn't impact on you and your baby

Toolateplanting · 15/09/2021 15:34

I get it Op you spend the day at work feeling guilty and missing your baby and then you pick them up from nursery and… you’re knackered, they’re knackered and you find yourself wishing the time away till bedtime!
I think a bit of structure will help. Schedule yourself. Bath time, play time, watching baby tv while snuggling on the sofa, couple of evenings you clean up around baby. I think a sling walk in the wind and rain sounds pretty lovely and will be v good for your pnd, lots of good undemanding cuddles. Is there anyone you can visit or meet up with in the evenings?

Somethingsnappy · 15/09/2021 15:57

Have you tied a sling OP? I have a baby exactly the same age of yours. He gets grumpy in the pushchair too, but never in the sling, he loves it. You sound like you are lonely and bored in that 2 hour slot. Looking after little ones can be monotonous and is much more fun when there is, another adult there!

Coyod you get a lovely comfortable sling, go for a walk, maybe go for a coffee? Do you know other mums near you? Could you organise a a get-together a couple of times a week at that time? I bet there are others nearby feeling similar!

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 15:59

@Marni83 yes it you like. It is difficult filling those hours regardless. No one is disputing that. But it is exacerbated by being restricted to one area of the house and by not being able to fully relax as the home is a workplace at this time.

I’m not saying that DP not working at this time would magically make it easier but it does make it more difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 16:00

And thank you. I doubt we could go anywhere for coffee at 430/5 and I think the babies would be grumpy anyway.

Re the carrier the problem is I’m foreseeing when it is too dark to go for walks in the evening. It will be tricky then I think.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 15/09/2021 16:01

Does he really work flat out until 8

What time do you get back from nursery?

DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 15/09/2021 16:02

You said you pick him up at 4pm and that you’re thinking of picking him up at 5.30pm instead, how about picking him up at 4.30pm, 4.45pm instead and doing something like going via a cafe for a coffee/ reading a book for 20min before pick up? It might give you a boost so you can spend quality time with him, and it won’t extend his time at nursery by very much at all

Whybirdwhy · 15/09/2021 16:03

Will people leave it with the routines/naps/bedtimes! That is clearly not the issue!!!

OP, leave him at nursery and have some downtime after work. This is what I do and I feel so much better for it, I need that time. I too had PND and this has been really good for it. Even tho I love my kids, I hate the time between nursery pick up and bed! Doesn't make anyone a bad parent, just tired and frazzled.

But I agree with PP that your husband is the problem. You sound like you are doing the best job you can. He needs to seriously buck up.