To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

[CarrotParsnips]

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

@CarrotParsnips you are not a shit mum, and the thread went into routines for no reason at all. The PP suggested a different sleep routine and will not deviate from it even when faced with evidence. What you are doing sounds fine to me and I don’t think your son has a bad routine.

I think 8pm bedtime is fine, provided he gets as many hours of sleep as he needs (cannot quite remember what that is for that age). My kids always went to bed late and woke up late until the time we had to shift that for school / work. This is absolutely unforgivable in the UK, apparently (as my in laws told me), but is perfectly fine in other countries. Eg 8pm-8am is the same as 7pm-7am.

Your husband is selfish. He can’t have the whole house to himself and can’t excuse himself from family life until 6pm. His wife and son should not be required to walk the streets until he is done with his Teams meetings

I wish people realised how bloody upsetting posts like that are. It’s nothing to them. To me, it makes me feel absolutely awful and while posts reassuring me make me feel better, there’s still this voice saying you’re doing it all wrong.

DP is a pain in the arse but it won’t change so I really do just have to make the best of it and think of how to try to have fun and enjoy one another between 4/5 and 730/830.

You’re not doing it all wrong. Your husband is blocking your ability to parent normally in your own home.

Why won’t he concede?

The playgrounds around here are swarming at nursery pickup time (mostly with Dads who, I suspect, have been told to stay out until dinner is ready). You can push your DS in a baby swing already, and he will soon be toddling along, so it will take you hours to get home anyway.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like either you are feeling a bit sad in general, or somehow your home is not the cheerful and comfortable place it should be. It might just be your DS (mine was a total killjoy at that age, until I got him a wooden train set, which solved all my problems).

What about a bath for both of you after dinner and put some toys in ? Mine loves having a bath with me you could spent quite a while in there. Sometimes give him his yoghurt & milk in there 😄He thinks it’s great & I don’t have to clean up then. Also just stick aload of toys out downstairs and put the tv on ? If your really tired been at work all day and have a whingey baby don’t feel bad for using tv! X

OP, I’d leave DC in nursery a bit longer and see how things go. What will you do with an extra hour or so to yourself? Maybe a bit of headspace time is what you need to get you ready for the evening routine?

The issue here is your DH. It’s a difficult mental shift for some new parents (usually the fathers, if we’re honest) but once you have a child in the family then there will have to be compromises and their needs will often have to be prioritised - particularly when they are very young. I don’t have any advice on how you make this clear to your DH but clearly it should be that, once your son is home from nursery at 4pm, the priority for the home environment is the baby’s needs. Your DH can have the whole day up to 4 (and your son is in nursery for that time which is his ‘compromise’ for the family, if you see what I mean) but then your DH needs to compromise somehow. The idea that he is prepared to let his baby son spend more time at nursery instead of being with you just so that he isn’t inconvenienced is concerning. Unless there are literally no other options? You would prioritise your son’s needs at this age, you should be expecting your DH to do the same. It will only continue to cause issues unless you tackle it bluntly with him now.

Don’t take this personally but do you feel excited to see your baby when you go to pick them up or enjoy spending any time with them? As you said you have nothing to come home for. Only reason I ask is because you sound really down wondered if you could have PND? I’m not judging you I’ve also had it myself x

Do you have a spare room or can you "convert" your DS bedroom in a playroom as well?
I did this during the first lockdown, I decorated it with animals pictures, colors, a small play tent, fancy lights (fairytale style).
Half of his toys and books are there - the other half in the family room.

We just enter the room, close the door and let it be. Sometimes we turn off the main light and play. We read books, listen to Music etc.

When the family room is free we then go downstair and YEY a new set of toys!!!

Then is dinner time
Then shower time
Then a really long sleep routine
And we survive the day

Jesus can't be bothered to read all the judgy comments - OP leave him in nursery 3 days a week until half 5.

Mine are older and i LOATHE after school hours so intensely that I put them in after school club even though I could probably fit work around them.

Baby will have a lot of fun in nursery and you can really enjoy bath and bedtime- and the weekends which will be more enjoyable.

No there is nothing fun about sitting around with a 1 year old in a living room - presume he is too tired at that point for park and it will soon be dark then.

OP - please, please don't listen to the crap on here like why aren't you pleased to see your baby

Think how many men work 8 til 6 ALL WEEK - do people say to them 'oooh wow don't you miss your little baby??"

DO THEY HELL

Life is long, childhood is long, this is a tough age and why shouldn't you get an hour to yourself after a day at work - you could then really have a nice time in the bedtime hours with the baby.

Once the child is older you can then rearrange your time.

I also think there will be massive issues with people continuing to WFH, especially men, whose work is often Very Important. A child's home is not an office, and it is not reasonable to expect silence, or to limit them from moving around the house.

Thanks. We do go on the swings but it’s harder on wet days (like yesterday) which was what made me think about what will happen when it’s dark at four o clock. Yeah I’ve got PND. Just doing my best.

Can people stop being horrible to the OP!?
She sounds stressed, fed up and tired out.
Ex nursery manager here with 30 years in childcare.
OP I really feel for you and you've shown you're a good mum by seeking help on here. You need to take care of yourself too.
Leave him in nursery til 5.30 3 days a week but don't stay later at work. Go to a cafe with a cuppa and magazine and have some peace for an hour and decompress from work.
Not sure why people are telling OP to go on walks and to the park when she has been at work all day and he has been at nursery all day! He will have been outside playing while there. OP needs a break not a pile on!

I do agree that your husband must move where he works or finish earlier. I think that's very important. You shouldn't dread going home.
I always put my son in the bath when I felt like you do and sat watching him/interacting while sitting on the floor with a coffee. He loved all my Tupperware from the kitchen being put in with him.

OP you are a caring mum and please ignore the horrible comments on here.

I think the "poor baby" comments on here are terrible!
Poor mum more like

I had PND too and you are doing great OP xx

Fwiw my baby had a 10pm bedtime until she was about 9 months. I had people telling me I was bonkers, I was harming her, etc etc. But she had regular naps and she slept in until at least 9am, which was wonderful for me on mat leave because I could actually shower and get a coffee. She was and is a happy, healthy baby. The only reason I changed it was because I went back to work. If it's working for you and DS is happy with it then go with it.

Honestly I would get the toys out, put kids TV on, play musical instruments, the lot. If "D"H complains, tell him that this is what babies need and the solution is (for him) to move to the bedroom. Rinse and repeat!

And absolutely leave him in nursery longer if you need to! That's why we pay for childcare - needing a bit of you time does not mean you don't love him!

You’re not doing it all wrong. Your husband is blocking your ability to parent normally in your own home.

This is totally the nub of it, and you need to make him realise it. Just use the room and ignore him - he’ll soon realise he has to move. If he doesn’t, I’d rethink the relationship.

Tbh many mothers who have been diagnosed with PND seem to have DH problems!

Leaving baby in nursery a bit longer is also a good option though.

OP you aren't a shit mum, and need to do what works for you. If that means more time in nursery for DS then so be it - it might mean you can get some 'life admin' out of the way to free you up when he is home, or even better, take some time out for yourself (coffee, crap TV, faffing on Mumsnet..whatever).

Being working parents with a young baby is hard.
Having to use a home as a home and a workplace is hard. I imagine it would be easier in a spacious house with rooms to spare but this isn't the reality for many of us.
I am WFH but DCs are older, I can't imagine trying to balance WFH in our tiny house.

It would be helpful if you and your DH could find a solution to his working... a door to block the noise, a shift in working hours (e.g. finish at 5 as a half-way compromise), he moves elsewhere for the last part of the day etc.

It might mean trying a couple of things and seeing what works. You will get there.

Your dh working arrangement seems the main problem. This isn't going to get easier. Once he's a toddler he will be far harder to contain. I'd be tempted to make a noise and force the issue. A few disrupted zoom calls and he might realise it's better to be elsewhere! You may find it easier to get into a routine then too.

I had a similar problem when my eldest were toddlers/babies. My dh was doing nights and needed to sleep in the day so keeping a baby and toddler quiet enough was impossible so I ended up wandering aimlessly on those days. Luckily the job only lasted a few months.

@CarrotParsnips

Thanks *@EatYourVegetables* I do my best to let him nap but sometimes he just won’t.

If he goes to bed earlier than 8 he wakes up constantly. I don’t know why but he always does. Bed at 730, we’re up at 11, 1, 2, 4 … Bed at 8, up once at 2. I don’t know why either!

I do tip toys out and let him play but we can’t just relax and be loud and silly as it is primarily a workplace at that time.

This is your problem. You don't life in a work space, your husband works in a home. He needs to adapt. You say you have 2 main spaces, so you should get to choose which space you and your baby need most during those hours, so that you can live and play and interact uninhibited. He can work in the other room. Hell, he can work in the bedroom if needs be. Plenty do. And tell him to use headphones. Your baby matters, and so do you.

*I can't imagine trying to balance WFH and looking after a baby in our tiny house.

Aim for 7pm bedtime to fill an hour

Pick him up at 5:00
Dinner 5:30-6:00pm
Bath 6:00pm-6:30pm
Playtime 6:30pm-7:30pm
Start winding down for bed 7:30pm-8:00pm

My 11 month old can be a proper whinger in that time between nursery and bedtime. She's obviously used to playing all day with the teachers and other babies around and I think she probably finds it a bit boring coming home and having to watch us cook dinner and sort stuff out after work. There's only so many minutes that she'll be preoccupied with playing with kitchen utensils on the floor!

The pram thing might be a phase, my girl went through bouts of loving it and then hating it. Do you have a cosy footmuff that might pad it out a bit and make it nice and warm? Can you take him out for just 10 mins and give him some snacks to reacquaint him with the pram and hopefully he'll like it again?!