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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

209 replies

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 07:05

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse Sad

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 08:00

They get crabby after nursery. They just do. They will keep doing that (I don’t know how long - my 3yo and 5yo still do).

Some of the holier-than-you suggestions above are absurd, eg taking a 9mo to a library or getting them to help cook. That will come later, when he is 2 or more likely 3. So suggesting some completely inappropriate activities ans then patronisingly saying “I feel sorry for your boy” is so helpful (not).

My kids needed an extra 15 min nap at that time on nursery days - either in the buggy or on me after getting home. Remember that this time is going to suck - no two ways about it. The kids are overstimulated and tired. Calming activities? Like a nap, quiet time with toys on the floor, stories. Food earlier than normal might help, especially if he feeds himself so this takes a while. And does your husband have to work to 6? Could he start and finish earlier? It’s amazing how men can just choose to work through the witching hour Hmm

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:01

8pm is late for a 1 year old.

Why would you want to take him out in the buggy (if he didn't hate it I mean)?

If you haven't seen him all day, you would see him less if you plonked him in a buggy after.

Can't you just tip some toys out and sit with him?

Wagglerock · 15/09/2021 08:02

Can't your DP work from another room so he's not in the way and you've got the run of the house? My DH works from our bedroom (we've turned a corner into an office space) and has done since the pandemic started so while not ideal for him, at least it's quiet and out of the way.

Little treasures baskets work well with my 9mo, otherwise she's happy enough just crawling around looking for stuff to chew. Sling instead of the buggy? Or try a different buggy? I know a few parents that abandoned their expensive buggies in favour of umbrella strollers at around 1 because they were preferred by the little one. Can you pop him in the high chair in the kitchen and you can get on with dinner and have a kitchen disco?

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 15/09/2021 08:03

@CarrotParsnips

I can go out for walks but my baby isn’t enjoying them any more. He cries and gets frustrated.

I feel sorry for my baby too. That is why I am posting.

Does he still face you in the pram? I find at this age both of mine have been more settled facing outwards. A bit like out of sight out of mind. If they could see me they wanted picking up and fussed etc. I'm half dreading winter too. I love the cold walks, fallen leaves etc as there's so much fun to see on walks but it's the rainy days I'm dreading when I will feel a little trapped in the house with them. I don't mind drizzle but not dragging them out in full blown rain! Everything is a phase OP and babies soon come around (although that tends to bring new challenges!) HmmConfused
EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 08:03

Oh and to add re weather: you absolutely can take a walk in the dark and possibly even light rain (not lashing rain). Halloween lights and then Christmas lights are coming. He’ll learn to walk and a walk around the block will be a half hour adventure. Buy good shoes, a warm coat, a hat and gloves, possibly waterproof trousers, and off you go.

We used the buggy until the kids were 2, so don’t give up on that either. Maybe he needs to be more upright so he can see better, or needs a new buggy toy?

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:04

Thanks @EatYourVegetables Smile I do my best to let him nap but sometimes he just won’t.

If he goes to bed earlier than 8 he wakes up constantly. I don’t know why but he always does. Bed at 730, we’re up at 11, 1, 2, 4 … Bed at 8, up once at 2. I don’t know why either!

I do tip toys out and let him play but we can’t just relax and be loud and silly as it is primarily a workplace at that time.

OP posts:
Willthewashingeverend · 15/09/2021 08:04

Sit him in the kitchen when you cook and give him a wooden spoon to bang on a pan/floor. Let him play with Tupperware. Sit him in his high chair and use washi tape to tape utensils to the tray so he can pull them off. Put pipe cleaners in an upturned colander for him to pull out etc. Tell your partner to use headphones for the last couple of hours if he is that loud. I actually think that's a late bedtime for an under 1 year old....mine was down at 6pm at that age. If he is crabby, he is likely overtired, I would start having a much earlier bedtime.

AFS1 · 15/09/2021 08:05

Is there any chance DP can go back to finishing work at 5 at least a few days a week? At least then you could have a few days when you’re not worried about keeping your baby quiet or being stuck in one room. Or can he schedule his work calls for earlier in the day and use the last 2 hours for more paperwork-based work?

That period of time from end of nursery to bedtime can be really tough, but it’s a lot tougher if you’re having to worry about how much noise your baby is making. Maybe speak to your partner to see if there’s a way to make those hours easier for you.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:05

I can’t, the kitchen leads into what is now the office and there is no door. Plus he is at the age where nothing entertains him for long!

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:08

@CarrotParsnips

Problem is it is a witching four hours! Smile
It's not a witching hour. It's a "I'm really tired and need to go to bed way earlier that 8pm"

Especially if he's recently dropped a nap/you're unable to get him down for another nap.

MovingSchmoving · 15/09/2021 08:09

Personally I would leave him there until 5.30pm on at least a few days. If you finish work at 4 then I would use that extra child free time to catch up on chores on shopping etc so that you don’t have to do them at the weekend when you can spend more quality time with your son instead of that kind of dead time when everyone is tired and a bit hungry etc. Don’t feel bad about it!

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:11

He has a much better nights sleep at 8 than 7. Trust me. I do know him by now.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2021 08:11

I think your DH needs to be working somewhere else! I think that would make all the difference- you need to be able to relax in your own home.

Otherwise tbh you might as well leave him at nursery until 5.30

Lots of good suggestions for things to do. Hopefully the night waking will also change so that he can go to bed a bit earlier.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:12

@CarrotParsnips

He has a much better nights sleep at 8 than 7. Trust me. I do know him by now.
How long are his naps?

He sounds overtired.

MovingSchmoving · 15/09/2021 08:12

Oh and also I agree with a pp that even though the wholesome suggestions are well meaning (library, cooking, sensory activities and organised things) they take time and effort and 9 month olds aren’t helpful anyway. And that period of time from 4pm to bed will only get more exhausting once he’s walking as you will be constantly chasing him round while trying to cook dinner etc.

You’re paying for the childcare, he is happy and safe at nursery, just leave him there. Maybe pick him up earlier on a Friday or something.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:15

His naps vary. I have played around with bedtime and it isn’t definitely fixed at 8, that’s an approximation. Last night it was 830 as I managed to sneak a nap in. And he slept through until 4. If he’d gone to bed an hour earlier it would have not happened!

It all feels a bit miserable.

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 08:16

Your DH is also a problem. He can’t take up the whole house as his office! Can he 1) finish early 2) go back to working in the office 3) work in the bedroom 4) schedule all meetings before 4, and do another 2 h of emails / admin / non meeting work after bedtime?

This shouldn’t be just your problem!!

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:17

He could but won’t so this is where we are.

OP posts:
SkinnyMirror · 15/09/2021 08:20

It sounds like a serious talk with your husband is in order.

His WFH shouldn't be negatively impacting family life in the way it is.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2021 08:22

The problem is your dp commandeering the family space. Banish him to the bedroom.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:22

@CarrotParsnips

His naps vary. I have played around with bedtime and it isn’t definitely fixed at 8, that’s an approximation. Last night it was 830 as I managed to sneak a nap in. And he slept through until 4. If he’d gone to bed an hour earlier it would have not happened!

It all feels a bit miserable.

What are his naps like?
Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:22

It won’t change, which is why I’m wondering about what’s best to do going forwards. Making the best of a bad situation and so on.

OP posts:
CarryOnNurse20 · 15/09/2021 08:23

@CarrotParsnips you have a DH problem. Instead of enabling him pick your son up as late as you feel comfortable with and allow him to be a normal baby at home. If DH doesn’t like it he needs to find an alternative. FWIW if you work full time it’s really sad for you and your baby that those 2-4 hours of time you actually get together are stressful instead of nice wind down/bonding time. I used to love coming home, having a play and watching some tv with the DC in the evening. I’d just crack on at home and make DH sort himself he sounds like an arse.

Moelwynbach · 15/09/2021 08:23

OP I feel your pain, my husband has beenworking full time and studying 3 yearsfor PG Dip.I worked full time we were in a tiny two bed.
During lockdown weboth worked from home then my evenings and weekends were spent trying tokeep our son entertained while he did online lectures and weekend group study. Fucking. Night. Mare.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:23

@SkinnyMirror

It sounds like a serious talk with your husband is in order.

His WFH shouldn't be negatively impacting family life in the way it is.

I agree.

The kid needs his house and a routine.
Neither of which are happening at the moment.

I've been there OP, for different reasons. I know how hard it is.

I ended up buying an app that showed me what naps my DS needed. It helped immensely.

I will try and find it.