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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

209 replies

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 07:05

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

OP posts:

DrCoconut · 15/09/2021 17:06

@CarrotParsnips people will always tell you to go out whatever the weather or darkness. They will not accept that autumn and winter are so much harder for looking after young children. I was once advised to buy waterproof clothes and a torch and it would be no different to being in the park in shorts on a fine July evening . Try telling that to all the muggers and spice heads who congregate there from dusk. And bedtime too. People always try to push early bedtime onto you even if later works for your family. Having your kids in bed at 6 is seen as some kind of virtue. Mine always wake if they go up too early and I'd rather have them up a couple of hours later if it means a solid sleep when they do go.

8dpwoah · 15/09/2021 17:12

100% agree about the bedtime thing, you find out through hard trial and error what time works for you and for us it's 8pm too, although it is creeping closer to the mythical 7pm now we have some days with no naps.

If she goes to sleep at 8pm she wakes up happy at 7am which is absolutely grand for us. If she had to get up earlier for nursery I guess that would be different but I'm glad it's not just me that finds the default 7pm bedtime problematic.

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 17:13

Thanks @DrCoconut that is largely how I feel. It isn’t safe to walk round here in the dark. Barely any street lamps and very narrow pavements.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 17:18

And thank you too @8dpwoah I agree.

OP posts:

user1481050140 · 15/09/2021 17:21

I’m probs just fed up today but find this type of thread so tiresome and frustrating. op is being given lots of useful tips and advice and ideas from those that have been there done it (not me, mine also v little) and has a negative remark or dismissal for all of them. Obviously do what you want (seems like you want to / looking for reasons to leave little one in nursery longer which you of course can do!) but you it seems from outside that you are causing your child and you to be unable to spend quality time together after long time apart because you are unwilling to deal with your selfish and unreasonable dp? It’s a family home first and foremost and needs to be used by you and your baby at end of a long day for both you and your child. Your child should be able to use his home to relax be cosy with you at end of the day.

During lockdown working from home my dh would often take calls downstairs, have loud conversations, try to tell us to be quiet (child was 2 at the time..) and we had to have a v frank conversation. This is a family home, not an office. He has to work around us. He completely understood and wanted what was best for us all. He is now back at office for 3 days a week primarily to give us all a break after prolonged period of home working.

Your dp should also consider changing his hours to suit his family of its so important for quiet. He can spend time as a family for a few hours when you’re both back and then work after little one is in bed. I can pretty much guarantee he will change his mind on where he works, how important silence and stuff is if you suggest that.. Honestly can’t believe sometimes the stuff women put up with in their own home..

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 17:29

And I’m glad I was here for you to take your frustration out on. As I have explained the situation at home won’t change.

However your reading comprehension may need a second look. I’ve said thank you and good ideas to more than one post.

OP posts:

user1481050140 · 15/09/2021 17:39

i haven’t taken my frustration out on you. Just genuinely perplexed at the avoidance of the actual issue.. so not you in particular, these type of threads where posters ask for help with a random non problem when there is a bigger real problem that’s being avoided.. it’s weird and as a women i feel offended (maybe of your behalf) that your partner is dictating like this to you and your child amd doesn’t care at all the impact . It’s not time of year, cold weather etc. it’s your partner. You haven’t explained why it can’t change (unless i’ve missed an actual reason. if so i apologise) I assume you have a bedroom or a room that child sleeps in- he can work from there and you and your child can enjoy your home at end of long day. Not difficult.
Just seems very odd.

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 17:43

User as I’ve tried to explain it won’t change.

I can only work with the situation that I have and not the one you think I should have.

OP posts:

user1481050140 · 15/09/2021 17:51

It won’t change if you don’t change it. Clearly your dp isn’t going to change things as it all suits him perfectly but of course you can make changes. If you want to and if it’s import to you. Perhaps previously it was only you that things affected but this is now having a negative effect on your child’s life I am sure you feel a sense of responsibility at least towards them or not for you? You work, your child is in childcare, you obviously aren’t completely reliant on him.. If you want to you can make changes.

If you really aren’t able to because of how this will make your dp react and behave or your scared then again.. even more reason to so something to help you and your child.

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 17:56

I am not scared but I am trying to explain facts to you. If you won’t accept what I am saying then I can’t do much else.

DP has no problem with how things are and will not change.

If I want things to change this would involve leaving. Have I thought about it: yes. I would undoubtedly be happier but I don’t think my child would be and so for now I am staying.

OP posts:

user1481050140 · 15/09/2021 18:02

God how utterly depressing.
Lovely happy environment for you both..

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 18:05

Thanks User. Have a good evening.

OP posts:

user1481050140 · 15/09/2021 18:15

I the martyred resignation and of your posts is difficult to read. Im sorry for your situation.

imagine if your daughter, son or best friend or sister was in this situation - what would you want for them or would you advise..

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 18:18

I would advise them to do what they think is best.

OP posts:

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 15/09/2021 18:18

Why do you think your baby wouldn't be happier? You'd both be free to play freely and making noise and rattling about ...that's what babies do.
It doesn't sound like he does much with his child....does he?

Personally I think I'd seriously be thinking if leaving. Or at least sit him down and explain you will leave if he doesn't start helping out more/changing work routine.

pompomsgalore · 15/09/2021 18:23

Here is an almost identical thread that might interest you.

Not sure what to do with 9 month old www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4348243-Not-sure-what-to-do-with-9-month-old

Somethingsnappy · 15/09/2021 18:25

Having re-read your posts, I've seen about the PND. Are you receiving support for that or any medication that helps? Is it improving at all yet? I wouldn't normally jump to suggesting you leave your baby longer at nursery, but under the circumstances, I think you need to prioritise your mental health and wellbeing. Why not decide to leave him a bit longer in nursery on a temporary basis? You can reassess again in a couple of months. He is already there, so it won't be disruptive for him. And don't use the time to stay longer at work. Use that time for you and only you. To enjoy and decompress. And then when you've had some time to yourself, pick your son up, enjoy dinner together and continue with your bedtime routine, but adding in anything that may help you enjoy it and be a strong way of doing daily renewals of your bonding process. Quality can be better than quantity. If it helps you to start enjoying your time with your baby more thoroughly, it will be beneficial to you all.

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 18:26

I hope this does not come across rudely.

I would leave a man I had a child with for being abusive, but not for any other reason. There is absolutely no judgement, implied or otherwise, about what others may choose to do. That is their business.

I can only do what I feel is right and what I personally feel comfortable with. As it is, my home is an office, I either accept this, or I leave.

Leaving does not solve the existing problems, it just creates a whole new bunch of them.

He is not a bad man, he simply does not realise the extent to which the merging of work and home has impacted on his little family. It is not an issue or problem for him, therefore, it is not a problem.

So as said above I can only do what I feel is best.

OP posts:

pompomsgalore · 15/09/2021 18:34

Is your child playing and making a noise an issue for your husband or are you worried that it might disrupt him. What I mean is are you making assumptions on how your husband feels or does he tell you to quieten down?

SkinnyMirror · 15/09/2021 18:46

Then you need to tell him.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2021 18:49

You sound like you have given up on having an equal relationship, op. Is he the boss in all things ?

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 18:49

Thank you. I genuinely wanted advice on how to best manage the baby in the hours between coming home from nursery and bedtime. I am not seeking advice about my relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 18:51

I don’t think he is the boss in an oppressive and controlling manner.

It is simply that I have discovered through a long and immensely painful journey you can’t change somebody. He is who he is. He has no issue with where he works so it doesn’t cross his mind I do. I have tried to push for change and it is not happening so I am simply resigned to it.

OP posts:

SkinnyMirror · 15/09/2021 18:56

@CarrotParsnips

I don’t think he is the boss in an oppressive and controlling manner.

You aren't painting a very favourable picture of him.

I had to speak to my DH about something similar (a wfh issue) and it was clear it had t crossed his mind that what he was doing was causing me issues.
He made changes immediately and we've come to a compromise. That's what being in a relationship is all about.

If he's refusing to change then he simply isn't a nice person. I know this must be hard to read but your problem isn't the 4pm nursery pick up, early bedtimes or the fact it's getting darker on an evening...... it's is down to the actions of your husband.

pompomsgalore · 15/09/2021 18:57

So glad f it isn't an issue for him surely you can use the space as you wish. That will allow you to cook and play.

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