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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading autumn/winter a bit with fast-approaching one year old?

209 replies

CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 07:05

This is a struggle right now and will only get worse Sad

DS attends nursery full time right now and I pick him up at 4. I find it really stressful between about 4 and 6 as DP is still working (from home, so loud phone calls and Teams meetings.) DS has decided recently he doesn’t like his pram and so I can’t take him for a walk and I definitely can’t do that in the dark of an October / November evening. Then we go to bed at 8.

It feels a bit miserable and monotonous, spending all day at work to wait to come home and then nothing to come home for. I’m seriously considering if I should leave him in nursery until it closes (530.)

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:25

It is a nightmare and does make me think he’s better in childcare Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:26

I know what naps he needs. The app will tell me what I already know (huckleberry I assume.)

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:26

It was the Huckleberry app which someone on here suggested when I posted with the exact same problem (apart from the DH problem).

Unless your son has medical issues, reflux, allergies, something like that, consistency and enough sleep will have a positive impact.

It sounds like no day is the same so no matter what you do at the moment it won't have much of a consistent or positive outcome.

You need to stick to a routine to see if it's of any benefit before you poo poo it.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:28

Yes I know about huckleberry. It suggests three hour wake windows. That’s more or less what I do so not sure why that’s the focus of the thread.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:28

Oh I give up.

A child that age with naff all routine is your problem.

But for you it apparently isn't.

Good luck.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:29

@CarrotParsnips

Yes I know about huckleberry. It suggests three hour wake windows. That’s more or less what I do so not sure why that’s the focus of the thread.
Cos your making your poor kid go to bed at 8pm and call his overtiredness "witching hour".

That's why.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:30

Routines lead to problems though.

Let’s say nap time is at 3. We never deviate from that.

But on Tuesday he wakes up from a nap at 11. So he’s overtired and grouchy by 3.

But on Wednesday he’s woken from a nap at 1. He’s not ready to go down at 3.

So the only way to implement it is to force a very strict routine where you wake them from naps which I don’t like doing and is nigh on impossible at nursery anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:30

I know I’m a shit parent. I guess he’s better at nursery then.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 08:31

@CarrotParsnips

I know I’m a shit parent. I guess he’s better at nursery then.
You're not a shit parent in the slightest.

Youre dealing with a nursery who's inconsistent with his naps and a difficult husband.

No wonder you're twitchy.

You need nursery to be consistent.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 08:32

Please leave it. I don’t like implementing strict routines and it doesn’t work. He can stay at nursery until it closes. He’s better there. Thanks for answers.

OP posts:
northstars · 15/09/2021 08:33

Sorry for my comment earlier, Op. I didn’t realize your DC was so little. I do sympathize, especially as it sounds like your Dh isn’t pulling his weight at all. You’re doing your best and maybe a bit more time at nursery wouldn’t be the worst thing as it would give you a break as well

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/09/2021 08:37

The issue here is your home being an office. It can't work that way, a baby makes noise, your DP needs to maybe do something to add soundproofing to the office. He gets quiet all day until after 4pm. Those are the facts.

Your Dp is not alone having background noise. Close as many doors as possible but ultimately your Dp needs to sort out blocking out noise. It shouldn't be up to you to facilitate keeping a baby who will soon be a toddler quiet. You have the right to come home after work.

SkinnyMirror · 15/09/2021 08:38

Your problem is the fact your child isn't allowed to play in their own house when they get home from nursery.
This is directly related to your husband WFH. That us what needs to be addressed.

If you could come home, relax and let your child play with his toys then your life would be so much easier.

You have a DH problem

SkinnyMirror · 15/09/2021 08:38

@CarrotParsnips

I know I’m a shit parent. I guess he’s better at nursery then.
No you aren't. Your DH is the problem not you or your child.
BlueberrySugar · 15/09/2021 08:40

The thing is I get you're annoyed but you're being annoyed at the wrong people.

These posters have given you ideas to help you and all you've done is bite their head off. Your DP needs to go to another room like the bedroom.

Routines absolutely do work. He has quite a few naps so probably not ready for bed by 8.

Pamparam · 15/09/2021 08:43

OP there’s no reason why (especially if you’re averse to strict routines) why you can’t sometimes leave him there a bit longer and sometimes pick him up at 4. If you have a plan, going to shops, a particular park etc, then pick him up, if you’ve no ideas then leave him there? Also the disliking the pram will be a phase, just push through and you’ll get there!

Slayduggee · 15/09/2021 08:43

FWIW my DD would never go to bed earlier than 8pm! Believe me I tried and I slowly worked it back from 10pm in 15 min increment 3.5 years later she still goes to bed at 8pm. She slept through the night so my view was if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

The real issue here is your DH and 4pm to 6pm. DS needs to relax after nursery but can’t because DH is working. This is only going to get worse when DS can walk and talk! Therefore, DH needs to find a solution (which doesn’t involve the house being out of use for everyone else). Is he returning to the office anytime soon? Could he hire a co-working space? Is there room in the garden for an office?

Rumplestrumpet · 15/09/2021 08:45

Can pp stop harassing the OP about her child's naps?!?! Some really unnecessary agression which really isn't going to help her.

OP it is absolutely fine for you to leave your baby in nursery until 5:30. It's not because you're a crap mum at all - it's because your husband is not being a considerate husband/father and is commandeering the home in a way that leaves no space for anyone else. For now, an extra couple of hours at nursery might be best for your baby and that's ok.

Use that time to focus on YOU - have a walk, a quiet cup of tea, whatever you need to get your thoughts in order. You're clearly not feeling happy and relaxed at home and maybe need to spend some time working out how this has happened and what you want to do about it.

Your baby will be a lot happier if you're happy. So let him play at nursery and look after yourself for a while. It's ok.

mynameiscalypso · 15/09/2021 08:46

Some really unhelpful comments here. I do sometimes leave my DS at nursery until a bit later. Could you use a bit of that time for yourself even if it's just going for a solo coffee or going to the gym or something? Then pick him up at 5/5.30 and you've got a bit less time to kill?

MovingSchmoving · 15/09/2021 08:49

Why has this thread turned into people just chastising the Op about her child’s naps?! She didn’t even ask for advice about naps. And there’s no evidence that her child has no routine. Everyone knows that 9 month olds are unpredictable and sometimes they wake from naps earlier or later etc. You have to adjust bedtime accordingly as the OP has said she does.

It doesn’t even sound like it’s about naps to me. The wfh thing is annoying so again I think you should just leave him at nursery a bit later like you suggest. Use the time usefully and that will stop you feeling guilty. Then at the weekend you can spend all your free time doing fun things. Ignore the pps who are piling on about naps!

MovingSchmoving · 15/09/2021 08:50

Oh and even if your husband wasn’t working at home it is perfectly fine for you to leave Ds at nursery a bit longer.

KingdomScrolls · 15/09/2021 08:55

I don't see how your husband is taking over the house by using one room, if it's that bad could he decamp upstairs after pick up? When I said baking helping with dinner etc, I didn't mean actually helping, even at nine months DS loved sitting in his high chair in the kitchen gnawing on carrots, clattering about with tupperware and I'd talk him through what I was doing while I prepared dinner. He didn't have a clue but he liked being with me and the attention

LolaButt · 15/09/2021 09:05

Hope you’re ok OP. You seem like you’re probably quite upset. Having a baby is a big adjustment for everyone and it takes time to find a daily schedule that works for you all.

You’re not a shit mum. A shit mum wouldn’t be asking for advice and help.

It does sound like your husband needs to have a think about what is best for your son. The freedom to be in his own home of an evening should be paramount. It’s time for your husband to adjust and grow into his parental role, and choose his priorities at home.

Is the layout of your home contributing to the issues? Could a door be put on the
Office area?

Droite · 15/09/2021 09:06

If your husband won't change his work routine, I guess you are going to have to make it clear to him that the consequence is that he just has to put up with noise in the background after 4 pm. And don't try too hard to keep the baby quiet.

Original poster
CarrotParsnips · 15/09/2021 09:09

Thank you.

I’m not annoyed at all. I’m a bit upset but not annoyed.

As a PP said, turning the thread into a criticism of DS’s naps isn’t helpful. He isn’t a terrible sleeper by any means but just the same he isn’t a Gina Ford baby either. Sometimes he’ll sleep more and sometimes he’ll sleep less.

It is very stressful and lonely going straight home and being a bit stuck there. It’s an adjustment but it does mean he seems a bit unhappy and bored and miserable when he’s at home which is obviously not what I want.

I can easily stay a bit later at work and get stuff done. It just seems sad. His days are long enough as it is.

OP posts: