To not help my neighbor

[boxonthehill]

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

Oh I'd definitely be saying that you aren't comfortable administering medication to her. If her children can't do it then she will have to do it herself or attend the practice nurse at her gps or something. Sounds like you need to get busy and fast.

You sound lovely with everything you already do for your neighbour. There's no way on earth I would inject someone, in my case due to a needle phobia. Can you say you can't do it because of your unsteady hands? Her children really need to step up here.

Giving these injections is extremely easy, no skill required at all. You could give it a try? But if you don’t want to you just say, sorry, I’m not able to help with medical procedures.

And tell you have health problems. You seem to have given to her very freely which is kind but she can’t know your issues if you’ve never shared them.

No way-do not fall into the role of being her unpaid carer just because it’s easier for the family.

Reply to her now and say you can’t commit to this.

I think it unlikely there is hcp who could visit, even initially. It may be that she has said someone will be available to help her. Just say sorry you can't and the family will have to find another way.

Don’t people normally inject themselves in this situation? Can’t they train her to self administer? I don’t think I would commit to that because you wouldn’t be able to do anything spontaneously as you would always have to consider your neighbour’s medication.

Ask if the nurse at the local surgery will do it?

Say no 'I can't take on this commitment and I would rather be honest with you now so we stay good neighbours. You will have to make other arrangements.' And you will have to decide what you are still going to do or not because the children, health and social care professionals will just see' willing local female who we can assume has nothing better to do than provide free care'.

Stupid question, but why can't she do it herself? Normally they are pre-filled syringes, stick into abdomen and push the plunger. If she can wash, dress, brush her own teeth, she can probably do the injections herself too.

They can send someone out, she needs to insist or have it done daily at her doctors surgery.
Please don't inject her if your uncomfortable with this, her family should be making more effort and the lady shouldn't be putting this onto you.

When my OH needed these injections last year they just showed him how to do it himself. Is your neighbour too unwell/frail to inject herself?

If you're expected to become her carer I'd be looking into claiming carers allowance. There's being neighbourly and there's taking on a caring role.

It sounds like it's beginning to be expected you take on the carers role.

I'm surprised no one can come and do the injections from nhs or that she can't go to the local gp surgery for them?

But I agree the children are responsible for their mum and if they can't help they need to be the ones sorting out an alternative.

I've had these injections before and they are very straightforward. Pull a lump of fat in tummy or upper thigh and just stick it in.

BUT that's not really the point! It's an incredibly personal thing to do for someone, you have to be careful with sharps, get a yellow bin and arrange collection and it is a commitment you are (rightly) not prepared to make.

Depending on her health, could she do it herself? I ended up doing mine but appreciate I've got less mileage than her

Absolutely the ultimate responsibility lies with her children and im sure a rota between them is perfectly reasonable!

You are not unreasonable at all.

I’m surprised that she isn’t expected to do it for herself - as a pp said,
It is easy and you don’t need experience.

I’ve had to inject myself daily. It really isn’t that hard although the first couple of times were nerve wracking.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law.

Keep this in mind, and decline any further responsibility. You are already being an exceptionally kind neighbour.

I have posted before on threads about elderly neighbours as we have one which we do quite a bit for, however I have boundaries and they include no involvement in financial issues, no offering recommendations for tradespeople and definitely no giving or dealing with medication. You need to firmly but kindly say you do not feel comfortable doing this and the giving of injections is something a family member should be involved in. You also need to preplan excuses why you cannot go with her on the bus every day.

The injections are easy to self administer and the hospital should show her how to do it.

Be careful you don't get sucked into increasing amounts of care for this lady.

Thanks all. She's a very nervous person and her own hands are very unsteady. She says she can't do it herself and that she's tried and failed before. I'm not sure if the details of last time or who ended up doing it.

It seems I'm not being unreasonable so I will make it clear I can't do it before she is discharged so she has chance to tell staff she doesn't have anyone to do it.

As a pp poster said, I could imagine that she told everyone "oh don't worry, box will do it!" And everyone's been happy to wash their hands.

The local surgery is an option perhaps. And closer than the hospital. But it's still about 20 minutes on the bus and she's very old and doddery.

I'm a community nurse and if there wasnt any family members or friends that can do it then we go out and do it! No questions asked. Maybe get her to ask if a district nurse can come out.

You haven't mentioned if there is a reason she can't do it herself. Lots of people give themselves daily injections for anticoagulants or insulin. You say her children won't do it because they are too busy but don't say if she has asked them and they have refused.

I don't think I would accept the responsibility. What happens if you choose or need to go away for a period of time? Who would give the injections then and who would be responsible for finding someone else to do it.

@angieb89

I'm a community nurse and if there wasnt any family members or friends that can do it then we go out and do it! No questions asked. Maybe get her to ask if a district nurse can come out.

That's good insight! Thank you. Okay I'll tell her that and make sure she insists.

I'm not the greatest at boundaries so this is good practice for me!

Glad you've come to that decision - this is a good point at which to reestablish those boundaries - you can temporarily help in a neighbourly way, but medical and care requests are going beyond what you can do as a neighbour.

If she is elderly, feels unable to do it herself and has nobody able (you) or willing (her bloody kids!) to do it then she should ask if the district nurses could help.
I have district nurse involvement and they are really lovely

Definitely decline and state your issues with unsteady hands and/or needle phobia.

This lady has THREE grown-up children all married living in the same town and they can't organise the six of them to do this for her? So she felt the need to ask you? That makes me sad.

@FOJN

You haven't mentioned if there is a reason she can't do it herself. Lots of people give themselves daily injections for anticoagulants or insulin. You say her children won't do it because they are too busy but don't say if she has asked them and they have refused.

I don't think I would accept the responsibility. What happens if you choose or need to go away for a period of time? Who would give the injections then and who would be responsible for finding someone else to do it.

Sorry yes, they have refused.