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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
2021Vision · 12/09/2021 10:54

In this situation I would be making it very clear that you will help as a neighbour where you can but that’s all. You need to completely remove yourself from offering advice and finding solutions. There needs to be a consistent message that her family needs to help her. If she says there busy then I would be saying ‘yes we all have busy lives’ and not commit. It sounds as though you are already in the ‘expected to do it’ zone. I would be making myself unavailable.

If you think this sounds unkind then think for a minute about how her own family are acting and how she is basically saying that their time and lives are more important than yours.

Dizzy1234 · 12/09/2021 10:55

Nope, explain that you're not comfortable administering medication and that you're squeamish.
I gave my op an injection once, the feeling of the needle piercing the skin was horrendous, I only did it once, never again, I feel queasy just recalling it.
I certainly wouldn't / couldn't do it to a non family member

timeisnotaline · 12/09/2021 10:59

I hope she accepts that op and doesn’t push back.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 11:01

Glad that you have now text her so she can organise an alternative. You may need to take a step back from her now and that way she can source any care she needs, be that her kids or outside help. You need to step back so that she doesn't start giving your name out to HV/GP or anyone else as a point of contact. When she's home be sure to let her know that you would never be any use in a caring role, so if she needs anything more than the odd visit to watch tv, have a coffee with her, you won't be committing to it.

Justilou1 · 12/09/2021 11:02

You also said that she’s “quite difficult”… I’m guessing that this has a lot to do with the family’s distance also.

zingally · 12/09/2021 11:03

So she has 3 kids, plus their spouses, ALL local, who can't/won't organise a rota to care for their elderly mum?! So they're trying to palm the job off onto an unrelated neighbour?

Says more about them than you!

diddl · 12/09/2021 11:06

@zingally

So she has 3 kids, plus their spouses, ALL local, who can't/won't organise a rota to care for their elderly mum?! So they're trying to palm the job off onto an unrelated neighbour?

Says more about them than you!

No, they have said they won't do it.

How is that palming her off to Op?

They haven't asked Op!

What does it say about them exactly?

lljkk · 12/09/2021 11:08

I have slight needle phobia.

I'd have to love someone a lot to give them a daily jab.
It's not your problem, yanbu.

JamieNorthlife · 12/09/2021 11:08

Op, if she is still in hospital she can ask the discharge staff to refer her to a District nurse. They usually require 24 hours notice to start their visits. If she is already at home, her GP can complete the referral. These situations are very common and requesting a DN referral is usually the best solution for all involved unless a family members is happy to help. You are not a family member and if anything happens to her you can be liable. This will not make you a bad person. It seems that her family are starting to take you for granted. Maybe you should start thinking about having healthy boundaries.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 11:09

I hope she doesn’t get discharged by saying that she has a neighbour who will do the jabs.

Have you had a reply?

angieloumc · 12/09/2021 11:10

As many pp say it is very easy to self administer. However when my late mum was having them myself or my brother did them as she was anxious about doing them herself. If she, or someone else, cannot do them the district nurse will come in to do them, it will be a flying visit of a few moments. They have to be done in a window of 2 hours daily I believe. Shocking that her family won't step up but you're right in saying you can't do it.

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:10

@Justilou1

You also said that she’s “quite difficult”… I’m guessing that this has a lot to do with the family’s distance also.
Oh no not difficult, "hard work" - she's quite a fussy eater and she also doesn't notice the "it's time to leave" cues. I've got a great stand up - yawn - turn off tv routine going though which is mostly successful. Hard work was probably unfair really. But, as people have pointed out, I don't know the history or what she's been like over the years. It could be why they're not helping as much as I feel like I would if it were my mum
OP posts:
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:12

@Howshouldibehave

I hope she doesn’t get discharged by saying that she has a neighbour who will do the jabs.

Have you had a reply?

No reply yet
OP posts:
Realyorkshiretea · 12/09/2021 11:12

YANBU, OP. This is quite a responsibility and I can imagine if you agree to it, there will be more expectations in future that you will assist with her medical needs as ‘you’re only next door’.

Now is a good time to firmly set those boundaries so you don’t regret it later. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve been extremely kind as it is, you’ve already gone above and beyond.

Avenueofcherryblossom · 12/09/2021 11:14

Absolutely do not agree to this. It is way past neighbourly relations. Don’t get sucked in to being your neighbour’s carer.

starfishmummy · 12/09/2021 11:15

They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

Has she asked her GP if there's any help she can get? I'm not an expert but know from caring for my disabled dc and also my elderly father that referrals have to be made by the right people. So hospital might say no, because they don't deal with community services; but the GP does.

We had a similar situation with our Dad 3 times a day medication he couldn't administer himself - the hospital said there was no help available but the GP arranged a district nurse to do the Mon to Friday mid day doses when my brother and I were at work, and we managed the rest.

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 11:19

It's absolutely not your responsibility to give her injections, I would also call the ward nurse to tell them you will not be doing this just in case she doesnt tell them herself.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 12/09/2021 11:20

No you absolutely are not BU. I do shopping for our elderly neighbours and was picking up prescriptions for them during lockdowns. We would help if they needed us for one off things but I would definitely not get involved in giving regular medical care, especially injections.

You've already got more involved than I would (having her round for tea and Eastenders).

user7012893145776 · 12/09/2021 11:20

Don't do it op.

She needs a district nurse to administer them if her kids won't do it.

Loopylobes · 12/09/2021 11:27

I would call the ward and ask them to make sure you aren't down as taking this responsibility. It will be a lot harder to sort out after she has been discharged.

They don't have to disclose any information to you.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/09/2021 11:36

@lljkk

I have slight needle phobia. I'd have to love someone a lot to give them a daily jab. It's not your problem, yanbu.
I have a needle phobia and no matter how much I loved someone I could not inject them - I can't even stay in the surgery when the cat has his jabs! DH had to inject himself when he had a DVT but if he hadn't been able to do it I know I couldn't have.
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:45

Okay she's called me and started to tell me how easy it is and that I'd be fine doing it so I had to be firm and say no, I'm not prepared to do it. She went quiet for a minute but then said she understood and would tell the nurses. I said about how the GP may be more helpful in arranging a DN so she knows that's another avenue to try.
Appreciate all your responses as it made it easier to stay firm

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 12/09/2021 11:48

If it’s easy, she should be doing it herself! Well done for staying firm, OP. It is not fair of her to ask you to take on this daily obligation, she has children who should be stepping up and helping.

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 11:48

The ward will need to arrange the district nurses to do this before she is discharged, it wont be the g.p

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 11:50

Wow she's being pushy now. Glad you stood your ground and said no. You really need to have a think about the relationship you want to have with this woman and start setting some boundaries when she gets home.

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