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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 13/09/2021 20:15

Also, can some posters just QUIT TELLING THE OP THAT ADMINISTERING AN INJECTION TO SOMEONE IS EASY.

SHE.

DOES.

NOT.

WANT.

TO.

DO.

IT.

FFS!!!!! Hmm

maybloss2 · 13/09/2021 20:22

Hi op,
When you talk to your neighbour, I also think it’s time to tell her you are at home because you have health issues of your own.
My mum did her own insulin injections until she had a stroke and got senile dementia, then she had an arrangement that came about through the hospital, GP and district nurse, whereby someone came out to her. Elderly people often say they have someone to help because otherwise the hospital is obliged to keep them in and they just want to go home. My mum has done this on occasion until we really insisted that it was written on her notes that none of us lived nearby and didn’t live with her, so unless they’d actually seen one of us, she’d be going home to an empty house. I certainly wouldn’t have expected a neighbour to inject my mum, though one did have my sisters phone number as a back up.

Insanelysilver · 13/09/2021 20:26

Sounds like you do a lot to help your elderly neighbour as it is. Her relatives should call round each day to do it if she can’t. They could take it in turns. It’s a real cheek them leaving you to deal with it.
It’s like my old nan used to say
No good deed goes unpunished. You’ve gone loads to help but now the family are taking it for granted because they can’t be arsed to come over to look after their mum !
I’d definitely say no. It’s too much responsibility and too much of a stress especially as you’re off work unwell yourself! X

NorthLodgeAvenue · 13/09/2021 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FleasInMyKnees · 13/09/2021 20:31

I dont drive so guess I must be a pathetic female 😏

TomFuckery · 13/09/2021 20:35

@NorthLodgeAvenue

Don't do it and what kind of pathetic female can't drive?
Fucks sake Shock
TomFuckery · 13/09/2021 20:36

@FleasInMyKnees

I dont drive so guess I must be a pathetic female 😏
I didn't drive for a while... I'm semi pathetic......
FleasInMyKnees · 13/09/2021 20:38

😁😁😁

loopylu26 · 13/09/2021 20:43

@NorthLodgeAvenue

Don't do it and what kind of pathetic female can't drive?
I didn't learn to drive until I was 38 so I used to be pathetic
NorthLodgeAvenue · 13/09/2021 20:48

If I lived in a rural location and had an elderly parent I would learn how to drive pretty damn quick.

RevolvingPivot · 13/09/2021 21:02

I was in hospital recently as I had / have very large blood clots on my lungs.

They said I could have a tablet everyday to thin my blood instead of the injections.

bobblebeebob · 13/09/2021 21:28

I suspect the 'children' have no idea that this is needed. They need to know she needs this daily care and they need to step up and help and not rely on a neighbour.

Its not like she has nobody. She has children who live locally. She needs to ask/tell them

Worldwide21 · 13/09/2021 21:42

Might be slightly unrelated, but having gone through thread, I'm wondering why the OP even the family members should be responsible to give injections. Surely the hospital should just assume they will have to organise the administration of the injections for the lady as no one has any obligation to help others with meds- family or not. Hospitals should not simply accept that a patient has someone to help them of the patient has said so, as that would put pressure on the person who has been 'volunteered' like the OP in this case or a family member. Automatically a district nurse should come round to do the injections if the person themself is incapable.
Sorry a long ramble but in essence, the administersting of home healthcare should be the responsibility of the hospital and the patient, no one else.

Dibbydoos · 13/09/2021 22:00

I inject myself 4/5 times a day and there is no way on this earth I would inject someone else. IMO, she's best doing it herself, she knows how it feels etc. You are so lovely, I hope her kids appreciate how much you're helping their mum. But you know when you're outside your comfort zone. Bless you, talk to her she'll understand x

MyPatronusIsACat · 13/09/2021 22:20

@NorthLodgeAvenue

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Rude. Not everyone is able to drive for various reasons.......
MyPatronusIsACat · 13/09/2021 22:21

Ooooh that was weird. I swear the post (by north lodge avenue) was there when I quoted it ^ Spooooky! Shock

DreamTheMoors · 13/09/2021 22:43

@Iliketeaagain

Stupid question, but why can't she do it herself? Normally they are pre-filled syringes, stick into abdomen and push the plunger. If she can wash, dress, brush her own teeth, she can probably do the injections herself too.
@Iliketeaagain

Definitely not a stupid question. I used to have to administer migraine injections to myself - in the thigh.
I worked for the government and had ZERO medical training. The doctor showed me how and that was that. It was simple.
@boxonthehill could it be that she’s just come to rely upon you because her own children are not very caring? Surely her medical team will train her how to self-administer the injections if there’s no other alternative.
Stick to your guns if you don’t feel comfortable.

Enough4me · 13/09/2021 22:46

@Fluffmum it's great that you and others want this role, that's great for you, but OP does not.

I would not presume that my neighbours would inject me with medication and nor would I inject them, but several are in their 70-80s and know they can knock and have my phone number by way of support. Having lived in the same road for two decades we watch out for each other, but that doesn't involve medicating anyone.

justasking111 · 13/09/2021 22:48

Tell her kids she's talking about changing her will, they'll be round like a shot

Murphs1 · 13/09/2021 22:49

The district nursing team will come out and do this. Just contact her surgery.

bellabasset · 13/09/2021 23:33

It's a medical issue and it should be up to her surgery to arrange this for her. It sounds as though you'vr been a good neighbour to her.

ellyeth · 13/09/2021 23:54

Helping out with shopping and tasks of that nature is one thing, giving someone daily injections is quite another.

I really feel this is the responsibility of the family. In the final analysis, if a person had no family and no friend available to do this, surely there must be some sort of provision within the health service?

Localocal · 14/09/2021 00:18

If she is well enough to get to her own surgery, could she not collect the syringes and arrange to pop in there every day for someone to administer? Surely the practice nurse can take 30 seconds to do that for her?

Fleshmechanic · 14/09/2021 00:38

If my children couldn't find time to come over and help me in my old age, I would feel like I'd failed. Where is their compassion??

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 00:41

Definitely ignore the minority guilt-tripper posters and crazy ideas of practising on oranges.

People who take on physically caring or clinical roles, have chosen to take the role on regardless if voluntary or paid. This responsibility cannot be foisted on you just because you are a good neighbour...it isn't fair.