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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/09/2021 12:36

Nope I wouldn't. I had these injections after DS and DH and I didn't find it nearly as straight forward as everyone else says. I bloody hated it, the best place was at the bottom of my bum, I wouldn't want a neighbour doing it. I would do it myself if I had to before travelling to hospital for it though.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 12:37

Thats crossing a line for me. What you do at the moment is lovely but injections is a carers role. I would say no I can't do that and she needs to tell the hospital, so a nurse can visit.

milkyaqua · 12/09/2021 12:38

I feel like calling the hospital myself is over stepping a boundary and could embarrass her. If she takes it upon herself to lie, she'll have to get something else in place soon enough as I'm firm on my decision now not to do it.

I think a massive boundary was already overstepped by her or all of them assuming you would, of course, fulfil this daily role.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2021 12:41

OP, harsh as it sounds, do not collect her from hospital or allow yourself to receive any instructions from nurses/family members about her care. Once people tell you X, they can pretty quickly imagine that you have agreed to X.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 12:45

Thanks all. I can't collect her as I don't drive. Ive been relieved lately to not drive because there are things I simply can't do. Like collect from hospital.

I'll think on the suggestion to call the hospital. It feels humiliating to go behind her back. But I agree, I do t want her to turn up saying she's got no one to do it and no choice. Because then if I did it once and it went well, it would be harder to say no in future. I can't do it ever, not even once, or it'll spiral

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 12/09/2021 12:48

I absolutely agree that you should not do this. This poor lady needs input from the community nurses and her GP because her care needs are only going to increase. It is completely inappropriate for the hospital to assume you will administer injections without being trained. I know that hospitals are desperate to discharge elderly people, but this is ridiculous.
If they are prescribing injections, the lady must have other health conditions that exclude oral anticoagulants, so that is another reason why the nursing team need to be involved.
Once you are recorded as being her carer, you will be embroiled more and more. It sounds as if she needs a proper care package.
I was in a situation like this with elderly neighbours and her family were quite happy to let me do everything. It was difficult to extricate myself but once I did they discovered they could employ a live in carer. Hmm

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2021 12:50

I'll think on the suggestion to call the hospital. It feels humiliating to go behind her back

Would it help to reframe it in terms of "that's how she'll be sure of getting what she needs"?

Of course, if the time comes when an assessment suggests she can no longer live at home, I guarantee that's when the family will suddenly appear ...

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2021 12:51

Don’t call the hospital. Absolutely do not get involved. She can say what she likes.

KissedintheDark · 12/09/2021 12:52

Don't embarrass her by phoning the hospital, she doesn't deserve that. fgs.

endofthelinefinally · 12/09/2021 12:55

Just rereading your OP. So the hospital haven't actually contacted you? In that case just don't volunteer anything. You are not her next of kin. They won't contact you.

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 12:55

It doesnt sound like the hospital has assumed OP will do this, I suspect neighbour has said the OP will do it. I would let the staff know, she may have told them you are her carer so you need to make sure they have the right information.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 12:56

No the hospital haven't called me. If they did that I would definitely make it clear I wasn't taking the responsibility. It's the going behind her back I don't like the idea of.

OP posts:
SoloISland · 12/09/2021 12:57

@boxonthehill

Okay she's called me and started to tell me how easy it is and that I'd be fine doing it so I had to be firm and say no, I'm not prepared to do it. She went quiet for a minute but then said she understood and would tell the nurses. I said about how the GP may be more helpful in arranging a DN so she knows that's another avenue to try. Appreciate all your responses as it made it easier to stay firm
Perfect. Well done...
MrsSkylerWhite · 12/09/2021 12:59

Tough. I would decline, too. You’re not a substitute child. Her own children need to step up.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2021 13:02

Her own children won’t step up though. See a million previous MN threads of ‘I don’t want to care for my DF/DM/PIL’.

It’s why we are all being told to pay more tax (and soon to be taxed more).

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 13:05

Neither OP or her family are responsible for giving her injections, no one has to agree to stepping up if they dont want to.

Oddbutnotodd · 12/09/2021 13:09

Unless you have medical POA I can’t see the hospital even agreeing to speak to you. Just don’t get involved. It’s up to her family to get involved.

Doubledenimrock · 12/09/2021 13:12

Even her kids are at liberty to say no. You even more so! I dont change my mothers dressings. The district nurse does that. Absolutely! And does a lovely job of it too. Do not under any circumstances be persuaded into any tasks you are unable to take on board.

billy1966 · 12/09/2021 13:20

OP,
She is in contact with her children but they have zero interest.

I would not be calling the hospital.
This is not your business.
You barely know the woman.

If she tells you that they have not made arrangements for her to get a shot, then she needs to ring emergency services.

I mean this kindly but she is very pushy and unless you are very firm it sounds as if you are being lined up to be her go to person.

Some elderly people can find it far easier to impose on non family and absolutely take advantage given the chance.

I would be very wary if I were you, particularlyas you have your own healthissues.
Being imposed upon by someone as their PA/carer is not a position you want foisted on you. Flowers

simitra · 12/09/2021 13:20

You need to take a step backwards and one very effective way is to be absent for a while. Is there anywhere you can go for a week or so? Perhaps a friend or relative you could stay with? During that time her family would have to step up and organize something. The routine would then be in place for your return when you could re-establish your bundaries.

One of my students at uni got herself somewhat "lumbered" with a pregnant woman who was about to give birth, and wanting my student to witness birth. Student did not want to but was not good at boundaries and at the same time her own mother was ill. I persuaded her to go away to visit her mother without warning and provided the lecture notes for her so she didnt miss any work. Her flatmates told pregnant lady she was not there and sorry had no contact details. In the meantime the birth took place and the pregnant women's social worker organized everything. When my student returned the woman had got her claws into someone else and it was all over bar the shouting.

Its called tough love.

diddl · 12/09/2021 13:29

Is not wanting to give your mum injections the same as having zero interest?

There shouldn't be such reliance on families stepping in to do stuff that (imo) should be provided.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/09/2021 13:31

@diddl

Is not wanting to give your mum injections the same as having zero interest?

There shouldn't be such reliance on families stepping in to do stuff that (imo) should be provided.

No it's not. I loved my Mum dearly and did as much as I could for her but hell would have frozen over before I gave her an injection.
TheCanyon · 12/09/2021 13:32

I have essential tremor, I'm guessing you do too? I had to inject anti clotting, it is NOT easy with shaky hands and I really wouldn't do it for anyone else.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/09/2021 13:43

FleasInMyKnees

Neither OP or her family are responsible for giving her injections, no one has to agree to stepping up if they dont want to.“

Yes, you’re right. I meant generally, not particularly in relation to the injections, put it across badly.

Seemed to me that OP’s neighbour is seeing OP as a substitute child because her own aren’t around very much. I wouldn’t provide personal care for my mum or MIL. I would visit them regularly for company, shopping and make sure appropriate care was put in place, though. With no relationship problems, why wouldn’t I? With several adult children, it’s a bit sad that OP’s neighbour has become so dependent on her.

jellybeanteaparty · 12/09/2021 13:43

I wonder if suggesting she pays for a daily person/carer who pops in and does the injection plus something else she would benefit from. ( cleaning, laundry, preparing lunch) This would then increase the support she receives as it sounds like her family wont be able to cover any increasing needs