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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2021 11:50

I said "these injections are playing on my mind as I really can't do them - my shaky hands plus feel too nervous. Make sure they know at the hospital you don't have anyone and insist on a nurse to come"

A good response, OP - though whether she probably won't actually tell them that

You're right to refuse of course, now it's moved on to medical stuff as well. Best keep your determination in place, before you end up as her full time carer - because that's the way this is certainly headed

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2021 11:52

Ah sorry, I see I cross posted with you; her trying to push is no surprise, but well done for standing firm

It's lovely to help and I know you do, but strict boundaries are needed when (like this) it all starts to go too far

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2021 11:54

Well done, OP.

You sound quite involved already but be aware that these situations go only one way sadly - more care required.

Do not get into a situation where carers or relatives are calling you to make arrangements, or for you to drop in. Be ruthless with your boundaries now otherwise you will find yourself as the Bad Guy in future when it all becomes too much.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 11:58

@Notaroadrunner

Wow she's being pushy now. Glad you stood your ground and said no. You really need to have a think about the relationship you want to have with this woman and start setting some boundaries when she gets home.
Yeah I think the problem has been that I assumed after lockdown the family would be round more. I am happy to take her meals round when I've cooked too much though and happy to have her round once a week. I don't really want to take those things away as they make real difference to her and give me a good feeling I don't get anywhere else at the moment.

I do need to stay firm on anything else though. Medical, and like someone else above said, financial. She did mention the other day she was struggling to get to town to pay some bills and although she didn't ask I did have to stop myself offering! That's something else I'm just not comfortable with.

OP posts:
TomFuckery · 12/09/2021 11:59

Personally I'd be drawing a line at that
She has family that can step up and administer the injections
I had to have them for 2 weeks last year, once you get over the initial fear it's not too bad but I'd never put that on someone else, least of all a neighbour
She could self inject, she'll be shown how to or she can pop and have them done in the surgery
This is definitely not your job to do, you just say 'sorry but I really don't feel comfortable doing it and I'm not well enough to accompany you to the surgery' and that's it, you don't have to explain, that should be enough for her to make arrangements

milkyaqua · 12/09/2021 11:59

It's clear they have all assumed you will play this nurse role. I am glad you are staying strong, because it will only snowball into more expectations and/or demands.

spotcheck · 12/09/2021 12:03

She called you? Crikey.

Although, and maybe I'm being a cow...

If she can text, surely she can inject herself?

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 12:07

OP I think you may have to ley the hospital know you won't be doing the injections. I have a feeling she is going to tell them you will, so she is allowed to go home.

Roselilly36 · 12/09/2021 12:13

Surely if your neighbour is too frail to do this herself, then the community nurses can help. I used to have to inject a disease modifying drug myself 3 times a week it was ok, once I got used to it. But if this isn’t an option for her, then it shouldn’t be a job for you either. Her family need to help her.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 12/09/2021 12:15

If that's the typical injection, you're trained to do them yourself unless there's a really significant reason.

Bettyboopawoop · 12/09/2021 12:16

Your neighbour should be able to do these easy, I had a few in hospital they just jabbed them straight into my tummy without a thought.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 12:17

I do need to stay firm on anything else though. Medical, and like someone else above said, financial. She did mention the other day she was struggling to get to town to pay some bills and although she didn't ask I did have to stop myself offering! That's something else I'm just not comfortable with

Good on you. If you start dealing with her finances I imagine her family will suddenly turn up accusing you of abusing her financially. I'd steer clear of all things financial and medical and at least now you've said no, it will be easier to keep saying no. She can set up direct debits/online banking for bills if needs be.

drinkingwineoutofamug · 12/09/2021 12:17

Do you know what ward she's on?
We've had relatives phone us saying mum/dad/friend has said we will do xyz but we can't. Can you give them a call and explain the situation, it makes for a safer discharge if they know what's going on at home.
The ward should do a referral for the district nurses.

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 12:18

Dont get pulled into helping with finances, her family can do this and help her set up direct debits or they can apply for a third party bank agreement to pay her bills. You will soo be taking her to medical appointments ts, shopping if you dont say no now, there is probably a local befriending service who can help with this, you could Google it and give her the details if you want.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 12:20

I feel like calling the hospital myself is over stepping a boundary and could embarrass her. If she takes it upon herself to lie, she'll have to get something else in place soon enough as I'm firm on my decision now not to do it.

Re her doing it herself... I can't see her managing with her hands as they are. She can text but the messages take a lot of deciphering and she'll miss her mouth a lot when eating and drinking and drop food. I couldn't really swear either way if she'd be capable or not

OP posts:
ceecee32 · 12/09/2021 12:24

My mum is 90, her hands shake so much that she can't hold a cup and has to use a straw but she still manages to give herself an injection into her stomach.

She will have to learn

Justilou1 · 12/09/2021 12:24

I think the discharge team would actually appreciate it, tbh. An accurate idea of how she lives will help them set up appropriate home care. Also let them know that you plan to return to work and intend to be making yourself less available for other duties also.

sidewayssunshine · 12/09/2021 12:26

@angieb89

I'm a community nurse and if there wasnt any family members or friends that can do it then we go out and do it! No questions asked. Maybe get her to ask if a district nurse can come out.
This

It is the hospitals responsibility to make sure somebody is able to administer the injections if the patient is unable. If there is no family or friends able then a district nurse should be arranged. I was a district nurse for a while and this was a very common occurrence. When possible we would encourage and teach people to do themselves or teach a family member but that's not always possible and as above we would do it no questions asked for as long as needed.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/09/2021 12:27

As you seem to know more about her daily situation (pre-hospitalisation), I would think you should contact the hospital before she is discharged so that they can be fully aware of how her children are not involved in her care and how she could do with an occupational health nurse or evaluation (at the very least) before she leaves, especially if she is living alone. You are not her next of kin or any relative but a concerned neighbour who wants to make sure that the proper assistance is put in place (as you won't be able to help either) and you want her to be as self sufficient as possible.
Could you do that?

Mangozesty · 12/09/2021 12:27

As someone else mentioned the community nursing team should be able to help. The district nurses are usually able to be contacted through your GP surgery. I would start with that.

Escapetothecatshome · 12/09/2021 12:28

This is difficult but could you come to a bit of a compromise ?
I completely understand why you don't want this commitment not many people would - I would say how about I come round for the first couple of days and watch her inject herself till she gets the hang of it and feels confident doing it herself - till it becomes second nature and not a big issue x

Marmelace · 12/09/2021 12:28

Why is it overstepping, what happens if she turns up and no one else is there to help that day, next morning. Do you get guilt tripped into helping?

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 12:33

This happens every day when discharging patients. If nobody is available at home, other care can be put in place. Bit of a non issue really.

TurnTheShipAround · 12/09/2021 12:34

Op, you've been a very good neighbour to this lady but just be careful going forward.
My DM similarly helped out her elderly neighbour - popping in to see her, inviting her round for a cuppa etc. Then, as the neighbour aged, DM started picking up bits of shopping for her and it all got out of hand - neighbour wanted X but she only wanted it buying from Y, she wanted A but she only wanted it buying from B. It ended up with DM running all over town for this lady whilst also trying to do her own shopping.
The lady was gradually becoming more and more dependent on DM because DM was 'there' (despite the neighbour having nearby relatives).
You're obviously a very kind and generous person but have a real think about how far you want to get involved with your neighbour and, as she ages, her increasing needs.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2021 12:36

I am happy to take her meals round when I've cooked too much though and happy to have her round once a week. I don't really want to take those things away

No need at all to take them away; as you rightly recognise, it's about doing what you're comfortable with but avoiding expectation creep
I also agree about not doing finances, since it would only need one problem to have the (otherwise unbothered) family hammering at your door, or worse still reporting you