To not help my neighbor

[boxonthehill]

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

@Fleshmechanic

If my children couldn't find time to come over and help me in my old age, I would feel like I'd failed. Where is their compassion??

such a situation is all too common, unfortunately. also family expecting neighbours to do everything for their parent, and then rushing in upon demise, to declare neighbours were trying to gain undue influence, misusing money etc. never any appreciation. when i first heard of this, from a solicitor, i was shocked. now i've heard and seen experienced so much of it, i kind of expect it.

As others have said, she quite possibly turned down offers of help. When my elderly neighbours were shielding I was running about doing things for them every day, whilst still trying to work from home, and later found that they had been offered all sorts of help, but had been saying oh no you're too busy, my neighbour will do it.

@boxonthehill

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

It’s not fair of them asking you to do this. It could be a long-standing thing, it could be something she has to do for the rest of her life.

My dad needed insulin every day, I could do it but do not like to.

Speak to the community nursing team, they came in every day to do dads insulin (twice a day for about 6 months until they got it back under control) I love our community nurses. They now keep checking in with me to make sure I am ok after losing both my parents with in 9 months. I had been caring for them for 3 years.

@Fleshmechanic

If my children couldn't find time to come over and help me in my old age, I would feel like I'd failed. Where is their compassion??

We don't know why they don't help.

Perhaps the lady tells her kids it's ok as neighbours help her.

She might not even ask them as she has decided that they are too busy!

Op, do you know if they even visit her regularly?

It was 10 years ago and a different world, but after I had my knee replacement they asked me if I could do my Tinzaparin myself, or would I like a nurse to come and do it. And I was only in my late 50's. Mind you, they weren't stretched as thin then.

So many posters not reading OPs post.

Can't she ask her children?
The children of the neighbour have said they are too busy with school runs and work and can't commit to daily injections. Not OPs place to probe any further

Why can't the neighbour just inject herself?
The neighbour is of sound mind but has trembles and is not physically able to administer the injections herself

Its not that hard to do, the OP will be fine once she does it
The Op herself also has health conditions which mean she doesn't drive (so can't driver neighbour to GPs or anything) and also has unsteady hands so would feel unsafe doing it. More importantly, she simply doesn't want the additional burden

Why can't a district nurse do it?
And this brings us to where we are now. Neighbour is aware Op cannot do it and has informed the hospital that when discharged, she has no one to administer. The next step presumably is that a district nurse will be organised. But OP won't be chasing this up as isn't her responsibility.

You're welcome

My DH needed the same injections after breaking his ankle. The community nurse was happy to come out and show us what to do and i got the impression would have come out daily if noone else to do it.

The bigger picture here is that the lady needs proper assessment and follow up care. This is the responsibility of the hospital to organise. The op should not get involved in medical care because that will delay any other input.

The OP doesnt need to do this. The neighbours family dont need to do this. If necessary a community nurse can do it or a care package can be put in place.

@boxonthehill

I'm not privy to her finances or what input she's getting. I have gently raised it with her but the conversation was shut down, as is her right.

I did take in a load of food the church brought round for her this morning which would suggest someone somewhere knows she struggling.

When she's home I will try to have the conversation again but ultimately although we've become fairly close, I am a relative stranger so I don't want to get overly invested beyond the social element and offering dinners.

Is there someone from the church that would be happy to help out? As you say, if they're delivering food they know she is on her own and struggling.

My own Dad asked me to give him an injection ONCE while my Mum was away and I did it, but I’m incredibly squeamish and hate needles and I rather churlishly told him never to ask me again! So you are well within your right to say no - this is an overstepping of boundaries and it’s unfair of her and her family to even ask and put you in an uncomfortable position - whether you’re squeamish or not!

Just have boundaries op. We helped our mother but one day boss called me in to cover a sick colleague. My mother got in a mood with a neighbour as the neighbour couldnt take her to an apt. So all ok til things dont go their way.

If this is the medication I think it is (Clexane) the whole point is that she’s not medically unwell, that’s why she’s been discharged. She will have been shown how to give the injections and asked if she can do, either she said yes or said she would show someone. So she can, and should, do this herself.

Elizabeth Another unhelpful empathy free post.

Have you given or had Clexane injections? They are painful, and sometimes when you give them they leave a scar. OP has repeatedly pointed out that her neighbour has unsteady hands. I had psychological problems injecting myself with a painless injection and I struggled with giving the painful clexane injections to someone else though I did because they were family and in a horrendous situation, bedbound and suffering horrifically painful (needing OxyContin) injuries, and it was as much as we could do to get District Nurses to change the dressings.

These additions to the thread are really not helpful. The neighbour isn’t going to be able to inject herself , as highlighted innumerable times and OP is more than reasonable in saying she won’t do it either. In fact more than caring in feeling in the slightest that she is unreasonable not to.

The District Nurse should come round and give the injection. The lady needs to get on to her GP so her name is added to the nurse's list.

It is the hospital's responsibility to organise discharge and follow up from the community nursing team. Not the GP. OP doesn't need to do anything. The lady has told the ward staff she needs support arranged.

OP, I have read all your updates and I cant believe you are stressing over something which is not your responsibility, when you have your own health to worry about and also a responsibility for your DD

To be kind to people around us is a good thing. But if you dont have the physical or mental help to do it, then dont. Its evidently not making you feel good. You seriously need to establish some boundaries

If you want to be a victim, its okey tho, if it gives you some good feelings. But from your updates it seems it doesnt give you the good feeleing anymore.

I would advise to focus on yourself, your health and your DD!
you are not a social worker

Your neighbour can inject herself. It's easy and straightforward and has been something that patients are expected to do after being discharged from hospital for some years now. My DH and I are both in our 70s and have done this routinely. I imagine lots of people have.

It's absolutely not your responsibility to do this for your neighbour and she really shouldn't have asked you!

I think you are being kind even to consider doing it.

It's 100% not your responsibility to do this, and also not your responsibility to suggest or try and sort out alternatives for her. Just simply say that you're very sorry but you don't feel comfortable with this - up to you if you give any more detail about unsteady hand due to health issues. This is for her/her family/medical professionals to discuss and sort out.