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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 12/09/2021 09:55

She can't do it because she has unsteady hands. You also have unsteady hands! Another solution needs to be found.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 09:57

All 6 of them have refused? What reason did they give?

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 10:01

@Howshouldibehave

All 6 of them have refused? What reason did they give?
They're too busy with work/ kids. One son has teenage kids all at school and the other has small ones at primary school. It's really sad to be honest.

When I moved in I assumed they didn't visit because of COVID but nothings changed since lockdowns been lifted.

I think another PP was also right about me telling her about my health stuff. I'm quite private and didn't want to lumber her with it before but she needs to understand why I can't commit to trips out every day, just in case she asks

OP posts:
DeletedByAccident · 12/09/2021 10:04

@Iliketeaagain

Stupid question, but why can't she do it herself? Normally they are pre-filled syringes, stick into abdomen and push the plunger. If she can wash, dress, brush her own teeth, she can probably do the injections herself too.
That’s what I was thinking. I get that it’s hard, initially, to stick a needle in yourself but needs must.
ArtemisiaVulgaris · 12/09/2021 10:04

Time to call up the surgery and ask the District Nurses to do it.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/09/2021 10:07

In this situation the district nurses might be able to support her to learn to do it herself. I know when DM was offered stay in hospital or learn to do the injections she managed it quickly. It might be that you could attend a couple of DN visits to help give your neighbour some confidence. It really is easy to do. Lots of patients use these injections and apart from at the start can largely manage.What a nice person you are.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:07

They're too busy with work/ kids. One son has teenage kids all at school and the other has small ones at primary school. It's really sad to be honest

Kids are at school 8.45-3.30. That leaves a lot of ‘day’! How sad that her grown children couldn’t rally round to pop round to their mum after work/school each day on a rota.

It’s still not your problem.

What did you actually say when she asked you, @boxonthehill?

DiscoGlitterBall · 12/09/2021 10:10

It is a lovely thing that you are doing, but if you don’t put boundaries down now there will be an expectation you become her cater long term because her children are too busy and too far away.

Do it if you’d like but do speak up if your uncomfortable. She should be able to do it herself (as I did when I needed similar)

MadisonMontgomery · 12/09/2021 10:11

Usually if people are too unwell to give themselves and genuinely can’t get to surgery, the hospital will arrange for district nurses to visit. BUT this isn’t your problem. She has adult children who are capable of helping/arranging things for her. Please don’t get sucked in to doing everything for her because you’re ‘just next door’. Had this happen to me and it ended with next door’s son yelling at me because I attended an appointment instead of cancelling it to fix his mother’s WiFi.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/09/2021 10:13

I would feel bad but say no. This is a step too far.

fuckoffImcounting · 12/09/2021 10:15

You will be on a slippery slope to being her carer if her DC know you will step in.

HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 10:19

She should be trained to self administer the medication. I wouldn't worry. Someone in the health sector can demonstrate for her first one and she can get on with it.

Thislittlefinger123 · 12/09/2021 10:22

Definitely the right choice to say no OP. If her DC won't commit to this they are not going to help with care as she gets older are they, and if you say yes now you are lining yourself up to be used more later on, when it'll be harder to say no as it's become habit.

There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, but then in place now and you'll be glad you did further down the line.

HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 10:22

Sounds like she's at it. Lots of support in the community to help your neighbour self administer. I have both parents who have been shown how to do this for their respective medications.

TillyTopper · 12/09/2021 10:23

No way should you get involved in this. I think she needs to try herself or one of her children needs to step up or she visits the surgery daily. Alternatively you can get private care to visit on a daily basis which they'd have to pay for. I would not/could not put a need in someone else, I would hate it so I completely understand. You will also be tied to the house as you have to be there daily!

Honestly I'd make myself busy very fast and take a few days away now and again - just to reinforce you are not available.

Original poster
boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 10:23

@Howshouldibehave

They're too busy with work/ kids. One son has teenage kids all at school and the other has small ones at primary school. It's really sad to be honest

Kids are at school 8.45-3.30. That leaves a lot of ‘day’! How sad that her grown children couldn’t rally round to pop round to their mum after work/school each day on a rota.

It’s still not your problem.

What did you actually say when she asked you, @boxonthehill?

It was on a text so I said "what with my shaky hands?!" Thinking that would remind her that I'm not the person for the job. But she came back and said that she'd asked the kids, they'd said too busy, she couldn't travel to hospital every day and I was the only one. I haven't replied to that text.
OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 12/09/2021 10:23

Just say no!
If she is unable to do it she needs to speak to doctor and get a district nurse/ carer to do it.
Don’t do this as it’s not your responsibility. You will make a rod for your own back .

ittakes2 · 12/09/2021 10:24

I don’t think you are wrong in saying no. I am guessing they are suggesting you inject heparin or warfin. I have to inject heparin after surgery and I just wanted to let you know it is an easy drug to inject - very thin needle you just pinch skin on tummy and inject into the pinched skin. But I don’t think you should feel responsible for injecting someone else.

StrongTea · 12/09/2021 10:24

Is there a tablet alternative? When I had hip replacement some folk had to inject but I had tablet to take.

ittakes2 · 12/09/2021 10:25

And I would ask her for their phone numbers and call them yourself.

gogohm · 12/09/2021 10:25

Unfortunately some people have horrible children, but also you don't know the dynamics of the family, perhaps she wasn't so sweet when they were small. In reality she needs to be assessed for a care package because this is self medication, if unable to self administer that's when a carer can do it - her kids might be more willing to step up if she's spending their inheritance on carers!

Backtomyoldname · 12/09/2021 10:26

I could have written the first part of the scenario about our rlderly neighbour, her children ( and adult grand children)

I’m retired now but when I and DW were working we’d be asked to do this or that - nothing to onerous at all and we had no problem doing this.

Her son, grandchildren were always ‘very busy’

(Grandchildren do come round - when they need money, new phones etc etc.)

Back to your problem - I think you need to have a word with her children. ( and her). Ultimately it’s their job, they need to step up to the plate and sort things out.

We, like you I imagine, are happy to sort out minor things, emergencies etc but can’t be expected to do everything.

Hope you can get this sorted out soon.

ShingleBeach · 12/09/2021 10:26

YANBU.

It IS very easy, easy enough for her to do herself. My teen Ds did in his abdomen / tummy.

So: she can do it.

Do not get involved in her healthcare. Your involvement is social. Also don’t engage in anything that becomes a duty or obligation.

There is no way I would be injecting anyone with anything, how ever easy it is. That isn’t the point.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 10:26

It was on a text so I said "what with my shaky hands?!" Thinking that would remind her that I'm not the person for the job. But she came back and said that she'd asked the kids, they'd said too busy, she couldn't travel to hospital every day and I was the only one. I haven't replied to that text

When did she send it? Please reply NOW saying you can’t. Don’t leave it a minute longer with her assuming you’ll do it.

‘That’s a shame that not one of them is able to help, but that’s not something I will be able to commit to.’

QueenofDestruction · 12/09/2021 10:28

Definitely not,I have to inject myself everyday and sometimes you can hit a small spurty blood vessel . Its a step too far. You will be bound to doing it at around the same time everyday and if a anything happens to her,you just know questions will be thrown around about your injection schedule.