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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents miss out on their grandchild

288 replies

Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 04:54

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 04:59

You're not wrong at all. I'm gobsmacked over what your parents have done. As a mother, I can't even fathom leaving behind my 17 year old child and fucking off halfway around the world. How horrible.

I think you need to find a way to accept that your parents will never be the parents you deserve. Perhaps therapy would help.

SeriouslyISuppose · 12/09/2021 05:02

Are you angry they left you so young? What on earth les them to emigrate without their 17 year old? Do you have siblings who went with them?

Original poster
Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 05:19

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, I’ve never had my feelings validated - your message means a lot. I will have therapy at some point to address this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 05:24

@SeriouslyISuppose I was angry when they left but not anymore, I’ve tried speaking to my mum about it, but she still stands by her decision and feels she did nothing wrong.

They decided to leave because they paid off their mortgage and wanted to start a new life abroad. I was 15 when they started making plans and 17 when they left. I was in college at the time and they insisted that I finish college and go to university. I’m an only child.

OP posts:
AngelDelightUk · 12/09/2021 05:27

That’s awful OP. Did you have relatives who took you under their wing?

And nope I’d cut them off I think

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 05:27

They sound selfish

Draineddraineddrained · 12/09/2021 05:28

Where did you live once they left, OP? Did they fund you or did you have to fund yourself? Did you visit in the holidays?

MyOtherProfile · 12/09/2021 05:28

Wow that's such odd behaviour from parents. Did they offer you the chance to go? Do you have siblings?

It's mad and not your fault. Their loss. I hope you have a good network, a nice partner and nice in laws now.

Youarestillintherunning · 12/09/2021 05:28

My mum lives a 20 minute walk away, and doesn't have a relationship with my 1 year old daughter at all. She's just not interested. It's really hard op, so I completely sympathise with you. It must have been so hard for you when they left at 17. Easier said than done, but focus on your little family now. Be the mother that you needed, and look after yourself. Your little one will be loved by you and the people around you ❤

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 05:29

Have you ever told them how awful & selfish that was i.e not have an awkward discussion where you skirt around the issue but just told them straight?

Draineddraineddrained · 12/09/2021 05:31

Basically YWBU to resent them and cut them off because they're not there to look after your child - that's your job. But if there's a history of neglect and emotional abuse, YWNBU to call them out on it and cut them off. People often find the birth of their first child gives them cause to re-evaluate their relationship with their own parents. But don't try and pin that on your baby. You are entitled to cut them off to defend YOU. Because your feelings about how they treat you are valid and matter. Not on your child's behalf when he's not bothered about seeing some strangers he's never met.

HumunaHey · 12/09/2021 05:32

You might aswell cut them off. They seem to bring no value to your life.

How did you cope at 17? Did they make arrangements foryou before leaving?

gibletjane · 12/09/2021 05:35

Basically YWBU to resent them and cut them off because they're not there to look after your child - that's your job

Sounds like they didn't do their job though of looking after the OP

TipseyTorvey · 12/09/2021 05:42

OP what your parents have done is utterly bizarre and uncaring. My story is different but I also had an uncaring mother that I kept trying to have a relationship with until I had my first DC, then I suddenly had a shocking revelation when dc1 was about 3 months old of 'how COULD she have done x, y, z' and cut her off completely. What a relief when I did. As pp have said, get therapy, normal loving parents would never abandon a child to move halfway round the world.

hellywelly3 · 12/09/2021 06:06

They sound like the type of parents that even if they lived next door still wouldn’t have a helpful relationship with you. What they did was shitty. It will be affecting you more now you’re becoming a mother yourself. Focus on your new little family you don’t want people like that in your child’s life

Dinnertime22 · 12/09/2021 06:06

Once you have a child a do re visit the relationship you have with parents. I cut mine off shortly after having my first. It was a long time coming and the best decision to make for my own family. They sound awful to be honest and no wonder you feel resentful.
You will manage without them as you already done so if you make that choice. At least you know what not to do as a parent.

ClaryFairchild · 12/09/2021 06:11

You can have whatever relationship YOU want with them. If they live in a great holiday destination, you could stay at their house, cheap holiday. Would they be willing to pay for tickets for you and your DD?

They abandoned you emotionally when you were at a very fragile age, and quite frankly by the sound of it the only thing they will bring to your life is perhaps some financial assistance.

SeaHollyDaiz · 12/09/2021 06:12

OP, something similar happened to my DP, but there was a lot before they moved away that made their relationship difficult too. They're LC but not NC. I know he feels the abandonment that you describe.

All the best for your new baby. You sound like you're feeling a bit anxious about this time in your life and that's made you think about your parents more? You sound like you're going to be a great mum. There's a lot that's hard about a new baby, but a lot that's wonderful too. My tip is to build your own community around you, if you can find a couple of "mum friends" that get you it makes the world of difference. Good luck.

BurningBright7 · 12/09/2021 06:17

I would live my life, focus on new baby, take care of myself and family.
I wouldn’t cut them off however I wouldn’t make much of an effort to insert them in my child’s life. They would always be in a way distant relatives for me. I know it’s not easy and hurt and the abandonment you faced are real and valid feelings.

Original poster
Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 06:19

@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 12/09/2021 06:22

Shock they sound very cold and unkind OP.

Have you had any therapy to talk about this- because it’s abandonment and it isn’t at all surprising you are upset.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 12/09/2021 06:27

Wow your parents are rather selfish. I can understand if they need to leave the country to look for work and finance your study because they want the best for you. This is completely different. I think YANBU to cut them off. They show litte love and care for you when and after they moved away.

Original poster
Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 06:28

@SeaHollyDaiz Thank you so much

OP posts:
SpeakingFranglais · 12/09/2021 06:34

And you know what? When they get old and needy and their healthcare is unaffordable they will probably come home and expect you to help them with everything back here as they will find it overwhelming.

I feel for you OP, my friend is now going through the latter part of this after bringing her DC up alone after her parents did this.

Newestname002 · 12/09/2021 06:34

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
Frankly, OP, I wouldn't bother scraping the money together to go and see two such uncaring people who abandoned you when you were still so young.

I think you should live your life with your own little family the best way you know how without any hope they will ever reconcile with you, though that will be hard I know.

I personally wouldn't bother to go the effort of going NC with them - just leave them at the very periphery of your lives, where they have placed themselves, and focus on living your best life from here onwards.

If or when they contact you treat them as the distant relatives they have made themselves - no need for you to roll out the red carpet either emotionally or in practice.

Also, if you feel that talking openly and honestly with a trained counsellor would help you, perhaps consider a few sessions to get the way they made you feel out in the open and, hopefully, easier to deal with, for your own sake.

Good luck for the future @Sa09aez. 🌹

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