My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
That's absolutely shocking. Have you ever had it out with them?

You must be a very strong and resilient woman to cope with that at only 17. I have a daughter the same age and I cant imagine just washing my hands of her and swanning off abroad. Awful, selfish people.

As others have said, concentrate on your own little family now. I wouldn't make any more effort with your parents.

I have RTFT

Jesus.
This is honestly heartbreaking stuff,
Just horrendous. You poor thing.
I think your feelings are totally natural and normal.

I went NC with a parent it "made me sad" and the first year. i felt guilty and upset but realised i was sad because i was grieving for the parent i never had.
They were going never admit they were wrong and i would never have the kind of parent other people have. There would be no hollywood movie redemption ending. NC made me sad but so did contact - it was picking the scab and opening the wound every time. NC let me get perspective and move on.

I have "boxed those feelings up". I still broadly feel/thing these feelings but its in a detached unemotional way. It is something that happen a long time ago, almost another lifetime. It helps that i have a "good life" but wìth a child on the way i would be focussing your energies on building your own loving family unit and not be wasting your energy time or money on your feckkless parents

This is so hard to read, 17 is so young. Have you ever had any counselling? It may help. I can't imagine leaving my daughter at that age.

What were they like as parents growing up?

OP this must be so hard to wrap your head around. I to have had issues resurface and intensify once I’ve had my own children. Unfortunately, my mum passed away when I was 21 and I was never able to have it out with her. It may not get you anywhere and you may not get the response you would like- but I would think about therapy and maybe a heartfelt letter to them addressing their actions and the impact this has had on you.

They don't sound like very nice people at all, and I think it's completely understandable that you feel hurt. I would too.

That said, I'm generally against burning bridges with people unless it's unavoidable, especially family. Do you have any cousins or siblings you get on with? It can create awkward feelings within the extended family framework if there are some family members who refuse to speak to each other.

I'd just emotionally detach and keep things civil.

Omg nooo!! How could anyone do That to there child??

@Lonelylooloo. Your DM clearly didn't teach you sensitivity

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your parents are two bags of shite. You'd be well within your rights to go NC. Or you could just work on the basis that you only see them every 2 years anyway. That's for you to decide. It's their loss as they won't have the relationship they could with you or your DCs , but you can't control other people's actions, just how you react to them. Form your own family and focus on that.

And if you do stay in touch , no elderly care of the decide to move back to the UK at some point.

@SpeakingFranglais

And you know what? When they get old and needy and their healthcare is unaffordable they will probably come home and expect you to help them with everything back here as they will find it overwhelming.

I feel for you OP, my friend is now going through the latter part of this after bringing her DC up alone after her parents did this.

This.

My friend’s parents did this. Buggered off the moment she hit 18, haven’t been back since (she’s 30 now). They recently flew back for a very specific shopping trip & didn’t even tell her they were in the country - she found out once they had flown back again. It’s caused her so much hurt over the years.

It’s really up to you what you decide to do, but whatever it is should be what works for you, and not just to fulfil your ‘daughter’ duties.

Good luck whatever you decide, and enjoy your new family

@Lonelylooloo

Oh god Op I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. It’s not normal and I’m sorry to say they are terrible parents. I suspect they didn’t much enjoy parenting and simply decided to escape it the first chance they got.

I’m late twenties, married with two under two and my mum has never stopped ‘parenting’ me. It’s changed over the years but when I’m poorly, exhausted or overstretched, there’s my mum on my doorstep with her sleeves rolled up ready to pitch in!
She’s here 2/3 times a week bonding with my kids and I see her influencing and teaching me still. She kinda taught me how to parent my children, be patient and supported me through an incredibly difficult 2 under 2 journey.

As a parent your job is never done, the legal obligation may end at 18 but a good parent never truly stops, what’s needed from you just evolves once your kids are adults. But this is exactly why DH and I bought a house with an annex, because one day when my DM needs looking after you best believe I’m going to move her in with us and repay every moment of help she’s ever given me

Could you be any more lacking in self awareness?

OP, where did you go when your grandma's house was sold? I presume the pocketed the £?

I meant 'they' pocketed the £?

I echo all the feelings of shock and sadness. Being familiar with a similar situation, I’d say brace yourself for meeting parents / mums who naturally talk about grandparents helping, or leaving baby with grandparents for a morning to catch up on sleep. Even people who moan that in laws and mums are wanting too much time with baby and they wish they would step back!!
You’ll come across all of these and it will rankle away at you. But it’s not their fault.
It will be a repeat of when you were at uni and everyone could take their laundry home during the holidays.
You will need therapy to help you manage these feelings with a newborn around, I think.
Don’t let them drag you down, you must focus on yourself now xxx

@solittletime

I echo all the feelings of shock and sadness. Being familiar with a similar situation, I’d say brace yourself for meeting parents / mums who naturally talk about grandparents helping, or leaving baby with grandparents for a morning to catch up on sleep. Even people who moan that in laws and mums are wanting too much time with baby and they wish they would step back!! You’ll come across all of these and it will rankle away at you. But it’s not their fault. It will be a repeat of when you were at uni and everyone could take their laundry home during the holidays. You will need therapy to help you manage these feelings with a newborn around, I think. Don’t let them drag you down, you must focus on yourself now xxx

Completely agree with this piece of advise. Now is a good time to start preparing.

I'm so sorry they did this to you OP
Your feelings are very valid and you are well within your rights to define the relationship with your parents, baby and yourself in the future. Do what is best for you.

Not only did they abandon you, your mother then took away your security by selling the house and from what you have said, not giving you a penny.

That was a deliberate act to sabotage your security. Your mother is vindictive.

Walk away, get therapy, find nurturing in friends, your in-laws and especially your partner. Give your baby all the love and enjoy being a mother. You will thrive and you certainly won't care about your toxic parents when your beautiful baby arrives. Your life will be filled with the best love and you deserve that.

You sound so strong and resilient OP. I cannot imagine making the choices your parents did. I agree you would benefit from some therapy

I would go NC. They have made their choices and don't deserve any relationship with you or your baby

I am the only one to see that we have probably received a very one sided story from the OP.
If it is exactly as portrayed the the parents behaved abominably.
It would be interesting to hear their side of the events.
(I know of one, even younger, girl who refused to move with her parents and knowing her story from both sides makes me highly sceptical of the narrative presented here)

I won’t repeat what everyone’s said about how appallingly your parents have behaved (which is true!) but just thinking about how you can practically be supported after your baby is born. I don’t have any family living closer than a few hours away and all working full time etc + DH works long hours so needed to think about support for after baby was born. I found an amazing post natal doula through the doula UK website. You can get varying levels of support from a few hours a week to daily support and I’d really recommend it. My own doula was so nurturing and supportive and wonderful and made such a huge difference to my transition to motherhood

They insisted you go to university but wouldn't fund you - and I assume they also wouldn't fund you to go to them in the summer or when you graduated? I'm really not surprised you feel the way you do. But it doesn't sound as if you have anything to gain by cutting them off. If I were you I would stop going to see them, and I wouldn't host them when they visit - but if they want to see you when they are in the UK I wouldn't say no.

17 is so young to be left in another country. My parents moved hundreds of miles from me in my early twenties and although they paid an interest in my life and my children they were never available to offer practical help and support. It's tough and everyone around me had endless family support.
Now they are older (parents that is) I'm travelling 5 or 6 hours each way to organise care homes etc.
I vowed not to move more than one hour from my children unless they specifically ask me to!
My advise would be, as others said, learn from it and be there for your kids.

I don't see the point in cutting them off - you barely see them anyway? It wouldn't have any effect

I disagree.
It is about finally taking control of a very damaging relationship and making a choice for one's self.

OP you have lived a great life despite your parents, not because of them. What they did was outrageous. You sound amazing!.

I think talking it through with a professional could be very helpful. I can't see how a relationship of any kind with these people is helpful.

@SummerWhisper

Not only did they abandon you, your mother then took away your security by selling the house and from what you have said, not giving you a penny.

That was a deliberate act to sabotage your security. Your mother is vindictive.

Walk away, get therapy, find nurturing in friends, your in-laws and especially your partner. Give your baby all the love and enjoy being a mother. You will thrive and you certainly won't care about your toxic parents when your beautiful baby arrives. Your life will be filled with the best love and you deserve that.

This. Your parents more than abandoned you. They sabotaged you too. Bloody awful.

Join all the groups going you can. Do the NCT course and, if they're offering them, the coffee morning socials too. I did a baby group every morning with my dd. I still have lots of supportive friends from those groups. Build a good strong network of people around you.

And definitely get some sort of counselling asap. The newborn stage is hard. You need to be in a good headspace.

If it was the other way round, a young adult leaving their parents to follow an opportunity and live abroad, you wouldn't be getting told that was selfish, you would be getting told you have one life, live it, see the world, cut the apron strings, they can't guilt trip you into staying . This is just the reverse of that, but I don't see that it's particularly selfish.

Didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry your parents have behaved so badly. Your hurt is entirely understandable. I hope you have people in your life who love and support you. To reiterate what PPs have said, IME having your own children really brings emotions to the surface about your own childhood and your own parents and it can be a tough time. I only really saw my parents pretty terrible failings (as well as their successes) at looking after me when I was a parent myself. And seeing other loving grandparents does hurt. I would also brace myself for future demands your parents place on you in terms of care, and you would be a better person than me if you did anything for them at all. What matters now is you and your family. Hold them close and love each other, they're all that matter. X