My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

I don't think OP is coming back but I don't know what difference it would make to cut the parents off. It's not like they all see each other much or have a close relationship. Would they even notice?

I felt very sad reading this. No wonder you feel as you do. I am so sorry your parents thought that is was ok to abandon their child. It is actually shocking. I hope you have wonderful friends around you and great friends can be the best sort of family. No doubt, you will be a wonderful Mummy and you and your child can have that beautiful bond , that your mother ashmamedly never nurtured x

Having therapy will help you find the answer to your question. Congratulations on starting your own family. Good luck!

Thank you for your post. I've been struggling with this situation with my parents for years. You've legitimised my feelings of deep hurt and wanting to stop pain by cutting them out. Had guilt on top of that too. I had never thought of therapy.

Yes you are wrong. This is their choice. Take a few steps back and ask if you need this stress in your life. I have similar parents who seemingly don't give a shit moved abroad but still expect me to stay in touch or behave like their son. They never call or ask about their grand children when we see them once every few years they seem to have no interest in the kids or anyone else. I have taken I big step back and just put them aside as people who raised me for a while and who I see once a while out of duty but from whom I expect nothing anymore and who are inconsequential to my and my children's lives.. ah the peace!

@Sydendad

Yes you are wrong. This is their choice. Take a few steps back and ask if you need this stress in your life. I have similar parents who seemingly don't give a shit moved abroad but still expect me to stay in touch or behave like their son. They never call or ask about their grand children when we see them once every few years they seem to have no interest in the kids or anyone else. I have taken I big step back and just put them aside as people who raised me for a while and who I see once a while out of duty but from whom I expect nothing anymore and who are inconsequential to my and my children's lives.. ah the peace!

Did they leave you when you were 17, @Sydendad?

Ah and I should add that yes you should get some professional help to process it. So I should correct my answer, no you are not wrong to feel the WAY you do. Your feelings are real and ligit. But you are wrong to keep trying and feel guilty about wanting to stop the hurt. If you stick your hand in a flame, you pull it back right? Without feeling guilty.

25 I believe, not so much left me as just decided to go live their life as they wanted to without feeling any responsibility a bit like: I have done my duty, im off!

Same thing happened to my niece’s husband. His father decided he wanted to emigrate, the mum was told come with me or we can divorce. Two oldest children had flown the nest. They took the youngest, he found it hard to settle, so they shipped him home and he ended up sleeping in a family friend’s shed until they realised & took him in. The parents pop back now & again but live to please themselves.

Therapy would have helped youngest son enormously but took him ages to realise he needed it.

Oh my goodness

Whilst your parents have every right to relocate to another country what parent does that before their child is grown up snd doesn't support them! You were still a minor child at age 17 still in education and you lived in grandmas house alone as she had just died

Whoops posted before I had finished

I cannot fathom their thinking to leave alone a school/college aged child. Even as an 18+ year old university student the grant doesn't cover your needs the whole year round. I support my uni DS for 5 months a year as uni is only 7 months of the year for 18-21.

I don't know any parents that would think this was a good parenting or that they don't understand you might need their support aged 18 and above whilst still studying.

No wonder you feel abandoned and angry.

I wouldn't go NC though as that's very final.

I would move on with your life just like they did with theirs.

Get therapy if you think you need it, I would if I were you as you sound very hurt which is understandable.

Make a good life for you and your Husband and child and accept that they walked out on you years ago, forget talking about expensive air tickets spend the money on yourselves and house.

I really didn’t mean to be insensitive at the point I joined it seemed to me the OP was questioning how bad her parents behaviour really had been and whether she would be justified to remove her help in the future.

Like I said, I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, not only did your parents fail you but in my opinion they very much continue to fail you right to this day. My personal opinion was that their behaviour is totally inexcusable. Although yes comparing it to my situation wasn’t sensitive I’m very sorry, I was pretty sleep deprived when i posted.

Apologies if I mis read the situation, I do that sometimes