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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents miss out on their grandchild

288 replies

Sa09aez · 12/09/2021 04:54

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

OP posts:

LublinToDublin · 12/09/2021 09:09

Iwonder08 WTF?? Have you read the OP or are you just being deliberately offensive?

saraclara · 12/09/2021 09:11

This is one of the most difficult stories I've had to read. You didn't even have any siblings to lean on. Your grandmother had just died and you were living in her home, unsupported both emotionally and financially, and then the home was sold from under you. Just awful.

Please do get counselling. You needed it long ago of course. But having a child of your own is likely to bring home to you the enormity of what they did, and an added incomprehension.

OnGoldenPond · 12/09/2021 09:12

Your parents abandoned you at 17. You weren't even legally adult, never mind be in a position to live happily independently without need of parental support.

I don't blame you at all for wanting to cut them out. What they did was disgraceful and not what any normal parent would consider. Sounds like they bring nothing to your life at all so it will be no loss at all for your DC not to know them.

My parents moved abroad when I was 40 and married with kids. They still worried about moving away from me! Then they came back frequently for visits with extended stays in summer holidays to help look after their GC. That is what normal parents do. I couldn't consider moving away from my DC even within the UK until they were independent and settled, probably at least mid to late 20s.

Sorry you have had this to deal with in your life, OP

MordenLarch · 12/09/2021 09:13

My parents decided to up and move when I was in my early twenties and I found that hard enough, so I think you’ve been incredible through this. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck with your baby

NeonJellyBaby · 12/09/2021 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

didyouseeit · 12/09/2021 09:15

To me it seems they are incredibly selfish people, and my suspicion is you weren't a planned child and they were never committed to parenthood. I can't imagine abandoning a child and emigrating but they honestly don't seem to care. Personally I would cut all contact. I can't be doing with people who don't care about me.

Minniem2020 · 12/09/2021 09:16

@Iwonder08 what a vile person you must be to say something like that. I really hope you don't have children.

Deedee248 · 12/09/2021 09:17

Do you and they exchange birthday cards / presents etc at all?

Sagaz · 12/09/2021 09:17

[quote Sa09aez]@SeriouslyISuppose I was angry when they left but not anymore, I’ve tried speaking to my mum about it, but she still stands by her decision and feels she did nothing wrong.

They decided to leave because they paid off their mortgage and wanted to start a new life abroad. I was 15 when they started making plans and 17 when they left. I was in college at the time and they insisted that I finish college and go to university. I’m an only child.[/quote]
It's really when somebody has such rigid defenses that they will never, ever contemplate for a moment that they could have been hurtful.

My mother has always been in my life but wants me to respect her right to be hurtful and if I let her know that something she did was hurtful she flings herself up on the cross and becomes the victim of me.

I wasted 18 months trying to explain why this is so wrong, why it's hurtful, why it's illogical and unfair to me and the only thing they've absorbed over the last couple of years is that 1) I shout and 2) I'm defensive and aggressive

Luckily I see a therapist who has validated that their complete shut down of me was ''goading'' to me. But she's also pointing out to me that my emotional bid for connection and understanding is like mandarin to them. They don't understand and they're not capable of understanding.

it's really hard but and therapy isn't like a magic wand. IT'S A SLOW PROCESS. I've been in therapy for nearly two years now (and also, 14 years ago but that was more immediate and desperate in its nature, this is like fine tuning how I want to be)

But I'm still really glad I'm seeing the therapist. It doesn't make the sadness wrt the situation with my family go away but it's helped me stay strong at work, with friends, with my teenagers, applying for new jobs.

Iwonder08 · 12/09/2021 09:24

My apologies, I haven't read the bit about 17 yo with no funding. That is not on. In this case OP is wrong to crave for them to be active grandparents. They are not right people for that. In regards to cutting the contact.. It feels like there is no need for that, they are not really involved anyway, there is almost no point and will just cause even more nerves to OP

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 09:25

@Iwonder08 i don’t think ‘wrong’ is the right word to describe OP or her craving, What daughter doesn’t wish her mum and dad (especially her mum) to be around for or the birth of her first baby?

DiscoGlitterBall · 12/09/2021 09:26

I can’t get my head around this at all, firstly they leave you, unsupported emotionally and financially. Then they come back every couple of years but expect you to pay for flights to go see them. Do they never offer to pay for you to visit? Not even in the first year?

I’m speechless (and that’s unusual). I can’t get my head around how you paid the bills and what happened when they sold your grandmas home - I assume they discussed this first or you had moved away to uni???

When they do come back is it to see you? Use you as a base to see their friends and family or do they just stay elsewhere and see you occasionally on visits? I ask this because I just can’t navigate this at all.

They appear utterly selfish (even though I agree with you only live once, if you have responsibilities you can’t just F off).

I’d be interested to hear more about the dynamic especially as you say they going no would make no difference to them (oh I bet it will when they are older!).

I’m also fascinated about the tale they told when they arrived in the new country- did they have connections there? Do they have your pic up on the wall? I wonder how they portray themselves to their friends and how the new baby will be discussed - i have a feeling I know, they probably won’t discuss any of it and if that’s the case that is all you need to know.

Go get counselling now (not later), and walk away from this quietly and with dignity. I found when I went Nc with a close family member reframing it as if they were dead was helpful because it allowed me to mourn the loss of them and the relationship.

Sorry this has happened but enjoy your new baby when they arrive in the knowledge that you will be absolutely a better parent than yours

Changechangychange · 12/09/2021 09:27

When I was 20 and in a student house, one of the housemates was a 16 year old whose parents had down exactly this.

He wasn’t my favourite person (for one thing he didn’t pay his rent, and he nicked our food, and seemed to think they I as sole female was his surrogate mum), but even back then I thought that his parents were a pair of selfish neglectful twats. As did all of the rest of the housemates, and all of our parents (who were all still very involved in our lives even though we’re were early 20s.

YANBU

saraclara · 12/09/2021 09:27

@Iwonder08

I respect you for coming back. But seriously, the very first line of the OP was about her age at the time!

felulageller · 12/09/2021 09:27

What they did was emotional abuse.

The thread is more focussed on op's mum but what about your dad? Was he your bio dad?

Where did the desire to emigrate come from? Did one of them originate from that country?

It sounds like you were an unplanned/ unwanted baby and they just waited until you were old enough to leave.

Do they have assets now you will inherit or do you think they've cut you out their will? Do they keep in touch with other relatives? Do you have aunts uncles?

Brefugee · 12/09/2021 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HoobleDooble · 12/09/2021 09:30

@SpeakingFranglais

And you know what? When they get old and needy and their healthcare is unaffordable they will probably come home and expect you to help them with everything back here as they will find it overwhelming.

I feel for you OP, my friend is now going through the latter part of this after bringing her DC up alone after her parents did this.

Yes, and in your dreams you will believe this will be your moment, you'll tell them to "F off!" and point out their failings ... but, in the real world, you're probably a better person and will end up doing everything for your elderly mother while listening to how wonderful her favourite child (who can't even be arsed to visit)/neighbours child/basically anyone but you is. (No, not at all bitter 😬)

minatrina · 12/09/2021 09:31

It's only a matter of time before the dickhead brigade arrive on any given thread. I wonder if some people here have had their empathy surgically removed, or if they just enjoy kicking people whilst they're hurting.

GoWalkabout · 12/09/2021 09:31

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Think about you and your little one and anyone else who is important to you. Please do me a favour and do not ever spend a penny more of your hard earned money out of duty to visit your feckless parents. Don't call them, or bother for one second with them. You are valuable, loveable and loved (most of all in that future relationship you will have with your child). Get some support but can I suggest that you don't start unravelling your feelings too much right now because pregnancy and childbirth hormones increase our vulnerability to depression - eat well, take care of yourself, see people and do things you enjoy. Don't make any big decisions regarding your parents but do slightly step outside any urges to please them or elicit care from them (it is not your fault or your responsibility that they have chosen to miss out, but it is their loss). Good luck

Djifunrsn · 12/09/2021 09:32

I would ignore them, rather than actually sending some communication to cut them off.

They have been shit parents, it's simply wrong to think that they will change their tune now. On the plus side, you can have a good parent-child relationship with your own child and I would focus on that going forwards.

Part of the thing with having shit parent(s) is the point where you accept that they are shit and it isn't going to change, no matter how much your try or how fantastic you are.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2021 09:34

@Iwonder08
You should really ask for that post removed before the op comes back. It’s a horrible read.

misskatamari · 12/09/2021 09:35

I am so so sorry they did this to you. So selfish and shitty. Your feelings are completely valid. I would definitely look into therapy for helping you work through these emotions. You will have so many feelings, no doubt buried deep, as you just had to suck it up and cope, when your whole life was turned upside down and you were abandoned by them. They are shitty, selfish people. Their actions were hurtful and there is no excuse for it. Unfortunately there is no changing it, and it doesn't seem that they are willing to look at themselves and understand their actions, and see the hurt they caused you. So you need to find a way to let that go, work through your own feelings, and become okay with it. It won't be easy but hopefully it will help you find some peace with it ❤️

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 09:35

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Iwonder08
You should really ask for that post removed before the op comes back. It’s a horrible read.[/quote]
I’ve reported it too.

Lulu1919 · 12/09/2021 09:35

My goodness ...that's just terrible
No wise words but sending love and as much understanding as I can xx

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 09:36

Did they offer you to come op?

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