My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

My dm also moved to the other side of the world not long after my dn was born and not long after I got married and another sibling was at uni so she effectively made them homeless.

It is difficult to maintain a close relationship and I know she is upset that we are not close like my cousins and aunty are but thats a consequence of her moving abroad. When my children were younger it was really hard. I wanted to share the job my children brought to us all and I hated that we missed that and it has affected how I feel about her.

Dm moved for love. Someone she met once and decided to move over there. I still feel bitter at times that she put a man she hardly knew above her kids and grandchild (now grandchildren). However, I've never considered cutting her off totally and she has given me reason too. Both my siblings have gone LC with her over the years but she is my mum and I know she loves us.

@Nocutenamesleft

My father did the same thing

Not only that. But when he does comes to the uk. He stays with my stepsister and her family. I’m left to enjoy my own time.

I’ve come to terms with it now. They do tons of stuff without me.

Maybe being with you males him aware of the absolute PR* he has been. His loss full stop xxx

Your parents are utter arseholes

That's horrendous. They abandoned you without any financial, practical or emotional support at 17?!!! They didn't want kids did they and skipped off as soon as they could.
I really feel for you but id suggest you focus on your real family (partner, new babe, friends), and write these people of.
I wish you all the best but you might find some kind of therapy might be useful, as you will revisit your feelings of anger and abandonment the minute your child arrives.

@gibletjane

Basically YWBU to resent them and cut them off because they're not there to look after your child - that's your job

Sounds like they didn't do their job though of looking after the OP

I'm surprised op would even want such parents looking after her kid. I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish.

I think this has really just brought back feelings of abandonment op, because you know they are never going to help and would have known that before you got pregnant. They aren't parents, parents don't do that to their children. They gave you life, that's about it. Don't waste it being angry at them for their shit behaviour, don't even talk to them again. They aren't worth it.

It’s time to have it out with them. Visiting every other year seem like they do it out of necessity rather than want.
You sound like you feel abandoned. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but it sounds like they didn’t want children, I’d be surprised if they will be interested in a GC.
If they still feel they did nothing wrong after you explain how they have made you feel maybe maybe it’s time to cut them out.
Also as said previously, seek therapy.
Enjoy your new baby, your experience will make you treasure him/her all the more.

@Katela18

I just came to say your feelings are 100% valid. My parents left and moved 7 hours away when I was 22, my youngest brother was 18. It is a very real feeling of abandonment.

I had my first baby last year, I was very poorly during pregnancy and my baby was born 8 weeks early, during a pandemic. It was the hardest and most isolating time of my life and even now I'm still so resentful o didn't have my mum around.

They often expect us to visit them as the live in a more picturesque place and they have more space. My mum also moans all the time that my mother in law gets to have baby for sleepovers and she doesn't.

I feel hugely resentful about that, because in my view in moving away they those to not be active in the lives of their grandchildren

Yes your mums fault and doh she has to live with the consequences. Is she dumb?

I cannot comprehend how anyone could do that to their 17 year old child.

You owe them nothing and are entitled to feel resentful. Difficult to see how your firstborn would benefit from contact with them anyway.

However, when they are too old to cope please remember their unkindness and don't feel obliged to help them .

YANBU

As others have said, becoming a parent yourself makes you consider your own upbringing and parents. My parents split when I was 6 and my mother was not a very responsible single mother and when she remarried, my sister and I were made to feel surplus to requirements.

When I had my daughter, I was really hurt that she wasn’t really that interested, she lives less than two miles away and unless I arranged something, she never got in touch, still that way now.

I reconciled myself a long time ago with the relationship as it stands, and it works both ways, I have a closer relationship with other family members and I don’t go out of my way anymore or let it bother me the way it once did.

At the end of the day it’s their loss, if they don’t make an effort then they will miss out on their grandchild.

Best of luck, am sure you will be fantastic.

It is not wrong for them to want a new life overseas, but to do it when you were so young, and not to make better arrangements for you is awful. I am so sorry. I would not bother to spend your money going over there, spend it on something better.

I suppose they thought you'd come out and join them but you stayed here.

It seems an odd thing for them to have done when you were still in education and to not support you financially is appalling. How on earth did you live and when your grandma's house was sold, did you get anything from it?

They are not very nice parents.

If I was you I'd be livid and tempted to cut them off.... I think the therapy option may be a good idea but that is obviously a personal thing which works for some.
If it were me... my options that I'd consider would be:
*Complete cut off and if they at some point come round to want a relationship get it off your chest.. anger&dont want baby to have a distant (cold) grandparents.
*Go on as you are but get therapy and don't give them much thought (eg what's good 4 them..)
*Don't visit, but stay friendly... let them know what's happening with your child but not have a relationship with them (if they ask... you don't want them to feel like you did/do.

Sorry 4 long answer
all the best

I'm so sorry you had the bad luck to get selfish criminally uncaring parents like this - they are very lucky that you have made efforts to see them and maintain a relationship - but realistically if you "divorced" them would you, or your family lose anything - I wonder if you would trust them to be kind and nurturing to your child anyway - I honestly don't think anyone would blame you if you cut off from them, and you might feel relief - you have your own family now to focus on, to keep safe and make sure they are protected from uncaring people

What they did to you is utterly horrendous and your feelings about it are completely valid. I’d also second the suggestion of getting therapy now rather than later, if you possibly can. Having a baby is such a raw, vulnerable thing anyway, and the more you can work through what happened with he your own parents the easier I think that might be. It’s very natural to be reflecting on how you were parented as you yourself become a parent.

If you cut them off presumably your inheritance with be out the window? I speak from experience. Just let them do what they want however irregular and go with it.

@TipseyTorvey

OP what your parents have done is utterly bizarre and uncaring. My story is different but I also had an uncaring mother that I kept trying to have a relationship with until I had my first DC, then I suddenly had a shocking revelation when dc1 was about 3 months old of 'how COULD she have done x, y, z' and cut her off completely. What a relief when I did. As pp have said, get therapy, normal loving parents would never abandon a child to move halfway round the world.

I had a similar experience but spent years running behind her begging her to be a mum to me. Her favourite line was 'I could have given you up like my mum did to me' she was given up as a baby and we all had to do everything she wanted because of it. Abuse, bullying, nastiness and gaslighting, she was so toxic. I had therapy and the therapist pointed out that millions of women everyday keep their babies so to keep me wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She also challenged me on why I didn't tray my children the way she did and how she had chosen to be abusive. I finally cut ties 2 years ago and my children, marriage and MH have flourished as a result.

@peppermintpat

If you cut them off presumably your inheritance with be out the window? I speak from experience. Just let them do what they want however irregular and go with it.

They left the country leaving their 17 yr old only child behind. This does not sound like the kind of parents who would leave her any inheritance. Also not the best reason to keep being abused by people who let you down and make you feel worthless.

[quote Azerothi]@Lonelylooloo
That is a nasty and unkind post. Who cares what a paragon of virtue you make your mum out to be. She clearly didn't bother teaching you sensitivity and kindness.[/quote]
You should take a look at your own behaviour before speaking to @Lonelylooloo like that!

So sorry to hear this OP. As a parent I cannot fathom leaving my babies at 17. I doubt I’d be able to be in a different town never mind a country on the other side of the world. And the fact that they continued to leave when your grandmother died. They are self centered and vile. Cut them off and never look back. Put all your energy into being the best parent you can be to your child. You will realise how horrible they must have been to leave their child.
Sending so much love and light to you and your baby.

I would be angry too OP. If cutting them out would make your life easier and happier you should do it. You don't owe them anything.

Bless your heart! Can I adopt you?

I have a 26 year old, a 16 year old and a 15 year old, as well as a 5 year old and 3 year old GD.

I joke with my 16 year old about her room being "my future sewing room", but I could never imagine doing what your parents did to you.

Rather than cut contact, I'd leave it so they have to initiate it. That way, you're still blameless.

I think you would absolutely benefit from counselling. I find their behaviour, cruel and callous. I have had years of counselling to work through accepting the rejection and grief that goes with a parent who can never be what you want. It's a very hard thing to come to terms with. I see why you want to cut them off. You already don't have them tbh.
Are there any redeeming features of what relationship you do have? Any chance they would fund a trip over with your child? Or show eagerness and desire to have you there? The fear they won't give a stuff because it's what they want is very real. I have felt that in the past.
Have you thought about a letter wherein you explain the hurt their choices have caused you age 17 onwards. They might not care and this is your fear is what bo am hearing. Try to build on what you already have with your own small family.
When one dies the other remaining parent may come crawling xx

Not in a dissimilar situation. Just concentrate on giving your little one the best you can do - and you will do I’m sure. That’s how I refocus when I start to get sad about this - put it all into to giving mine as much love & attention as I possibly can.
Your baby isn’t missing out btw, doesn’t sound like you are either xx good luck x

I hope you don't go down the route of cutting them off to pay them back. I don't think in the long term it will make you feel better and who knows, things may improve. Life is never predictable. I would get some counselling now as I feel you need to talk it through and it will maybe get some issues settled before the baby arrives. Best of luck. I hope you have a get happy future.

✂️✂️✂️
That's all I have to say.
What a pair of cold hearted bastards. They don't deserve a child let alone a grandchild. Move on from that pain and build your own family, you deserve 10000% more.