My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

I actually don’t blame you for going NC. Who did your grandmother leave the house to?

Do they have other children? Be aware that when you they older they will suddenly remember you so you can help them in old age and they will suddenly ‘miss’ their grandchildren.

*wanting to go NC

Your parents have behaved disgracefully but you must be one amazing woman to have negotiated your teenage years on your own. Believe it or not you now hold all the cards, it's your choice whether you let them be any part of your life or your childs, you get to make decisions that are best for your family. I think I'd get some counselling because becoming a parent brings things up that you thought you were able to deal with. You must also realise that you have another advantage of knowing the type of parent you definitely DON'T want to be because you've experienced it. Wishing you all the best - you deserve it x

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

If it was the other way round, a young adult leaving their parents to follow an opportunity and live abroad, you wouldn't be getting told that was selfish, you would be getting told you have one life, live it, see the world, cut the apron strings, they can't guilt trip you into staying . This is just the reverse of that, but I don't see that it's particularly selfish.

That's totally different I'd assume if a very young adult was moving country they'd still be supported by their parents financially if at uni. I struggle think of any circumstances where a 17yo could get a job in another country where they'd be able to support themselves completely. Possibly a gap year in Oz, living in bunkhouses etc. But that hardly compares to parents fucking off abandoning their kid permanently. And even if a kid did try working abroad the advice would be if it doesn't work out, they can always come home, the safety net is still there.

Op (and the poster in similar boat) I'm really sorry you're parents did this, and I'd bet its not their only selfish act. I second the advice to get therapy now while you have time.
I'd look out for any sort of ante natal classes, aqua-natal, yoga, anything to give you a head start meeting other new mums.

I'd try and build a bond with your DHs parents. Not easy but take all the support you can get and direct them to the support you need. Your probably very independent but don't be scared to ask you MIL to help.

You are right to feel the way you do OP. I needed my parents just as much as a young adult than I did as a child. I left home when I was seventeen but I was till very in touch with my parents.

Their treatment of you has been shocking and the benefit of going NC is for you and you alone. It ends a period of your life and you feel better for it, having made the decision. Don't make the decision to stay in touch because it will have no impact on them if you go NC. That's messed up. Do it for you.

Awful “parents”- so sorry OP, and no don’t give them the benefit of being grandparents - cut them off

This isn't really about them missing out on their grandchildren it's about what they did to you, leaving you when you were 17. I thought it was Covid related, difficulty travelling etc. and was going to say that, because I was born in the 50s abroad to British parents posted there, my grandparents didn't meet me until I was two and a half. This is an entirely different situation.

I agree with PP saying you owe them nothing and don't be guilted into caring for them if they return with ill health later in life.

How selfish of them. I’d feel angry too. I would never ever do this to my children.

You need to get out every single day with your newborn no matter what. Join little groups. Some won’t be your cup of tea, others will.
I randomly joined a church type group and loved this the most as it was run by older ladies Mainly, who had been there and were supportive.

Make your own lovely life. I feel your pain though but you have to

Sorry if I’ve lost the thread a bit. ❤️

I think having children of your own does make you reflect on your own childhood. It's understandable to feel abandoned and resentful for them leaving you. Counselling sounds like a good idea before you make any decisions on cutting contact. If your cutting contact to prevent the feeling of rejection recurring for you or your child you're justified but if you're doing it to try to hurt them like they hurt you it's unlikely to make you feel better.

This is a sad situation and 17 is too young to be left to fend for themselves. However, I can’t help thinking there is more to the history as how could a 17 year old be responsible for paying bills and buying food if they have no income.

I’m so sorry for what your parents did to you. It is shocking to abandon a 17 year old like that, especially to not let the death of your grandparent to change or delay their plans in any way.

Some people really shouldn’t have children. If you see your children as an inconvenience why bother?

I wouldn’t go out of your way to be available to your parents when they do visit every 2 years. Concentrate on your own life and your own family. They’re not going to suddenly become the parents and grandparents you want or deserve

I can totally understand OP's pain at being abandoned at such a long age, but can we all stop with the rampant sexism? Why is it always women who are expected to be interested in and available for their grandchildren? What about the grandfather? Why isn't he getting any flack for his lack of interest?

I am the only one to see that we have probably received a very one sided story from the OP.
If it is exactly as portrayed the the parents behaved abominably.
It would be interesting to hear their side of the events.
I know of one, even younger, girl who refused to move with her parents and knowing her story from both sides makes me highly sceptical of the narrative presented here)

Sorry how does not wanting to move away make what the OPs parents did ok? 🤔

That’s awful op and very selfish and uncaring of them. That said .o think you’ve been insightful about how cutting them off may play out.
I have a difficult relationship with my Dad and his wife (no issues with her at all). I cut him ff for 3 years after on particularly hurtful conversation but it made me feel more sad to have no relationship with my Dad at all. In the end I decided to have an arms length relationship with them. I no longer host them or put myself out for them but am friendly and keep occasional contact so that my children have a relationship with them that they have enjoyed.

Have you told them how you feel? Other then that perhaps just try and accept that life’s unfair, you were not dealt the best hand in parents but also not the worse and then just try and accept it for what it is.

OP, you parents behaved utterly shittily to you. To be honest, you're probably better off not exposing your child to them on a regular basis. Therapy will help you deal with your entirely justified feelings of anger and abandonment. I probably would go no contact and leave them to it. It may save you a lot more pain in the longer run.

custardbear I feel for you .I am keen to be a Grandma some day! and think of all the things I could do that I used to do with My DGP .Just helping in the garden,baking ,things like that really.I was cared for by them while DM worked (Unusual in the 60s/70s) .Cannot understand these guys that piss off abroad as soon as they can ,leaving their DC /future DGP behind!

Holy shit OP, after your last update I am speachkess thee are people like that in the world. That is abusive. If a loving parent had not choice out to go for work if it was a money situation, one would stay or they would fly you out every half term holiday. Leaving you in your dead grandmas house??? This is all raw again for you as the growing love for your child makes you se even more that what they did was so so wrong. I hope you had some lovely friends at that point, not that it would have made any diffeeence to be totally and utterly abandoned.
Cut them off, but sorry it won’t make them see the hurt they caused you. Concentrate on your own little beautiful family

What callous people.

On the basis of their past behaviour I wouldn’t bother feeling angry with your mum that she won’t be around to help out with her GC. If she didn’t even bother with her own child, involvement with GC is unlikely.

I wonder whether becoming a mother yourself has released a more general anger and resentment at their abandonment of you as a teenager.

It’s sad that going nc would not impact them as they are so indifferent. But if you feel it would benefit you, I would do it.

Wow your parents are extremely selfish and didn't deserve the gift of a child

I'm sorry I would cut them off completely, you don't need them you have your child coming and your own family

Don't be sad about them they aren't worth it concentrate on the people in your life who are important

I'm also really shocked that your parents did this. You must have felt so abandoned. You must have been so determined and brave to cope with managing without any parental support from such an early age. Congratulations on your pregnancy too.

I can understand why you are considering stopping contact. I think I'd make this decision after counselling so I could explore the advantages/disadvantages in the sessions.

I also admire the way you are thinking ahead for when your own child is born. As others have said, you will meet other parents with such a range of experiences. It will help to talk about how this could make you feel in advance.

Wow, they really just left you to it. My dd is 18 and i can't imagine disappearing off to the other side of the world, after her grandmother had died

I wouldn't spend money visiting them every again.