My parents miss out on their grandchild

[Sa09aez]

My parents decided to move abroad when I was 17 years old, without me. Since they moved they have visited the UK every every 2 years. I do not visit often as it’s a 15 hour flight away and tickets are extremely expensive.

I am now 30 years old and I am expecting my first baby soon. I can’t help but feel resentful towards them as they have missed out on so much of my life and our relationship is not the best as it’s been hard to create a bond with them since they moved away 10+ years ago.

I can’t help but feel angry towards my mum as she won’t be here to help out or be around her grandchild. They probably won’t meet my baby until she is 2.

I’ve been contemplating cutting them off completely and stopping contact. But I fear doing so won’t impact them in any way, my mum wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be happy. I’d be the only person sad about it.

Am I wrong for resenting them?

Having a child can bring out your own inner hurt from childhood. That is very much what happened to me and a lot of hurt from my own parents bad behavior resurfaced when my DD was born. Also the disappointment of crap parents becomes the disappointment of crap grandparents and it can be hard to see others having babies and the grandparents being so involved.

What your parents did was awful in my opinion. I’m sure it wasn’t the only example of their selfish behaviour that has impacted your life. You have every right to feel resentful but what will help you most right now is to find a way to heal from their abandonment of you. Have you ever sought out counseling? I’m at the point of acceptance and building a positive relationship out of what I do have, realising that my parents will never become what I had hoped they would.

Your feelings are completely valid and understandable OP!

You were still a child at 17 to be left so far away. It is extremely odd to leave your only child so far away, to fend for themselves. That really strikes me as very cold and uncaring. They are not loving parents at all, they raised you to minimum requirements and left you to survive!

You have every right not to make an effort and cut out with your unloving family. it seems that they have made very little effort with you over the years and don't seemed fussed about even having a grandchild coming! Many would be booking flights to come over!

You must be a independent & navigated much of your life without their support. This is another thing they have let you down, but would be a last straw for me.

This is YOUR time to create your own family unit. I'd take some time to accept that yours is rubbish, grieve that and leave them behind. You might never know their reasons why they have treated you like this, which might be difficult.

Slightly different, my parents left me at 19 to live a 12+ flight away due to my fathers work. I was living away in my first year of university. There was no help or support which my friends seemed to receive from their families. EVERYONE else seemed to go home at weekends and holidays etc. It was horrible, destabilising, and lonely. I saw them only at Christmas.

It was a 5 year contract and they returned home - but I'll never forget 'needing' my parents despite 'being an adult'. I did alot of growing up without the support & security I needed. You've done so well to 'raise' yourself.

Life is very different now - they are a 20 minutes away now (moved to be closer to me)! and are wonderful GPs, They would NEVER live so far away from their grandchildren (but were able to leave me 🤷‍♀️)!

This is just awful to read. You’ve been treated so badly. Just awful. What awful parents. Shocking. I really feel for you. I’m angry for you. I’d give my left arm to have a daughter. The world is so unfair sometimes. I hope you’ve got good friends and a loyal partner. Raise your kids differently. Be tight with them and be present. Make your own family. Join NCT and make your own support group. You don’t need those losers

They are obviously not interested so I think I would give up. You can’t force people to care.

In laws were not hugely interested in their first grandchild and I remember being so baffled and hurt. They couldn’t be arsed to come to her first birthday party or to visit much and they let us down spectacularly the one time in 10 years we needed a nights childcare. Don’t see them much at all and their relationship with our now teens is extremely superficial unlike with my parents.

Yikes 😬 OP I'm so sorry, this sounds like a really traumatic thing for a 17 year old to go through. Not giving you any financial support is vile, and living alone in your recently deceased grandmother's house sounds really distressing.

I would feel very resentful towards them. What I'd be asking myself is if on the rare occasions they do get in touch with you, how does it make you feel? If it brings up a load of negative feelings, then I 100% understand why you'd want to cut contact.

If it doesn't bother you at all when they do get in touch, and it's more the principle of the thing that makes you want to cut them off, I'd probably advise you to consider not going as far to cut them off. I most definitely would not be making any effort with them whatsoever, but I'd not go as far as actively cutting them off as it may cause drama which will only serve to give you unnecessary stress. Also call me shallow, but I'd just not be cutting my nose off to spite my face - if you're ever in dire need of money, do you think they'd help out? I know that's probably very shallow of me to say, but it's a view I take with my own largely well-meaning but decidedly useless deadbeat dad.

Another factor that I've considered with my dad is that if I cut him off, it would largely be my way of "punishing" him. No shame in that if that's your motivation too (it sounds like they deserve it!) but ask yourself, do you think cutting them off would actually cause them to reflect on what kind of parents/people they've been? If so then great. But your parents sound very self-absorbed, and I wonder if they'd just see it as you treating them unfairly and moan to all and sundry about how awfully they're being treated.

All that being said, I will just reiterate that imo you do have the moral right to cut them off if that's what you decide to do. I wouldn't blame you at all. Do whatever makes you happiest - they certainly have!

Is it even legal to abandon your under 18 year old child? I don't think it is.

I'm absolutely shocked to read your posts OP. There is something wrong with your parents. You have every right to be angry at them for what they did.

You did amazing to cope so well and make something of yourself.

Similar issues in my family. I would focus on your new little family and making memories with them.

It a way it is like grieving but they are not dead. You search for what could have been.

Oh god Op I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.
It’s not normal and I’m sorry to say they are terrible parents. I suspect they didn’t much enjoy parenting and simply decided to escape it the first chance they got.

I’m late twenties, married with two under two and my mum has never stopped ‘parenting’ me. It’s changed over the years but when I’m poorly, exhausted or overstretched, there’s my mum on my doorstep with her sleeves rolled up ready to pitch in!
She’s here 2/3 times a week bonding with my kids and I see her influencing and teaching me still. She kinda taught me how to parent my children, be patient and supported me through an incredibly difficult 2 under 2 journey.

As a parent your job is never done, the legal obligation may end at 18 but a good parent never truly stops, what’s needed from you just evolves once your kids are adults. But this is exactly why DH and I bought a house with an annex, because one day when my DM needs looking after you best believe I’m going to move her in with us and repay every moment of help she’s ever given me

[quote Sa09aez]@Draineddraineddrained
My parents arranged for me to live with my grandmother, but she passed away weeks before my parents left. I then lived by myself in
my grandmothers empty property (until my mother sold it 2 years later).

I funded myself from the moment they left. They did not give me any financial support - I have not received any money from them.

I visited them twice, tickets are well over a thousand pounds. I can’t afford to visit them regularly.[/quote]
This is insane and so far from normal.

They arranged for you to live with your grandma but she died just before? And they went anyway and left you? And didn't fund you? Because they wanted you to finish school and go to uni. Are there no unis in the country they went to? Could they not wait til you had finished school at least.

I can only assume they were cold-hearted and weird throughout your childhood and I so much want you to know this is not normal and you deserve so much more.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and still is happening to you. They sound like such selfish people. Have they ever offered to pay your flights? If they haven’t that tells you all you need to know tbh. I cannot imagine leaving my child to fend for himself at 17, I don’t mean housing wise, but financially and being their to support them etc.

You should be so proud of yourself and what you’ve achieved. Enjoy your little family and try not to waste energy thinking about what could have been. Time is too precious don’t waste on them.

Leave all contact up to them from now on.

Yes I want to echo that. You deserved better.

Wow @Lonelylooloo your experience is lovely but what help is rubbing it in to the OP? A bit unkind to regale that really.

Well done @Sa09aez for being so strong and getting through your early adulthood (late childhood frankly) without the kind of support most take for granted. It sounds like you will be a fabulous mother. Therapy might be good to talk through things, as well as surrounding yourself with friends (and DPs family?)

They are not your parents, OP, they were just egg and sperm donors.
How callous, selfish and uncaring can someone be?
You can see this now, as you know you would never dream of doing the same thing to your precious DC.
OP, I am wishing you well as you move forward into your role as being a loving parent. You got this. Those idiots have shown you how not to behave. I would not waste any time or mental energy on them, but it may take therapy to get to that point.

@Sa09aez I found that a lot of emotions about my own upbringing came up during my pregnancy too OP ❤️ Despite being physically present, I have a mum who told me at 14 years old that she “prefers to be a ‘hands-off’ parent and just let me live my life” - she has been completely emotionally absent since that point. Didn’t attend any ‘events’ or anything from that point onwards (school things, uni graduation etc).

I had my first child last year at 30 too 😊 due to covid I spent the majority of my pregnancy furloughed and alone as my DH was stuck abroad at work. I was having to isolate and she offered absolutely nothing in the way of physical or emotional help. Even after birth when I had birth related injuries and was having problems and DH had to return to work (abroad for a few weeks at a time) she stayed away. She lives 10 minutes away and sees my DS for maybe an hour every 8 weeks. He’s 10months and barely knows who she is at all.

Your parents sound shit, to put it mildly ❤️ For the sake of your own mental health - I would draw a line now. Don’t chase people to be part of yours or your child’s life. They clearly have their priorities and your own priorities are about to change in the most life changing (and best) way ever!
I spent my whole pregnancy and first few months as a new mum pining for the mother-daughter relationship that I saw all my friends with. Why didn’t my mum want to come and help me as a new mum? Everyone else’s mum did! I even posted about it on here because I was struggling with it so much!
A few months into having my DS something just clicked - I could never imagine treating this wee guy the way she’s treated me 🤷🏻‍♀️ And I now have bigger things in my life to worry about. I wouldn’t say you need to cut them off completely as such but I certainly would stop making any effort ❤️ Have a different relationship with your child ❤️

I’ve got a 17yo and I can not even imagine leaving him to fend for himself in every way as your parents did. Shame on them. You do what is best for you and your family now, just as they did. If that means going no contact, do so and be at peace with it.

Wow. I can’t believe they thought they could just leave you at 17. I’d feel resentful too and I think you should seek out therapy sooner, rather than later.

I quite often see posts on here about parents that live nearby not having a relationship with grandchildren, so their location isn’t always the most important thing. But it doesn’t sound like your parents will have much interest considering how they have treated you.

Will your partners parents be involved? Like others have suggested make great friends and put together your very be own support team / family.

I had similar. My mum left me with my aunt ‘for a week’ when I was 16 and never came back - had emigrated. Didn’t tell me or her sister that was the plan.

We had a rocky relationship for a few years and I cut her out in my mid 20s. Have two children now that she has never met. I do sometimes think it’s sad I can’t provide any extended family for my kids (I’m also an only child). But I’d rather not have her letting them down constantly like she did me. They don’t miss what they don’t know.

They sound like awful selfish people- I am so sorry that they did that to you. Upside is that your son won't have to be exposed to them. I agree you should just cut them off for your own mental well-being, draw a line and leave them in the past where they belong.

Good lord OP, what they did was unforgivable, I'm surprised you still have contact now tbh. You do whatever you want to do. If it will make you feel worse, don't cut them off, but please don't ever give them any help if they need it, they don't deserve it. I suspect you might find that overall you do feel better cutting them off, especially as they get older and more needy. If they're no longer your issue to deal with, you might just start thinking of them less and less, and what they did to you. Do you have supportive in laws who can play a positive role in your DC's life? Focus on your relationship with them, in my experience a good relationship with the in laws can be as rewarding as with your own parents.

My mum moved to Australia from UK when I was 24. I had children at 36 and 40. She died when I was 40 and never met my children. She didn't come to my wedding either.
She chose her own pathway, I respected that, but it drove a Massive wedge in a not very close relationship anyway.

Saying that my ILs aren't overly fussed with our children either! They live an hour away, said, before I had my first child that they didn't want to be tied down to regular children support, which was fine, I just ensured me and DH covered everything and nursery when we were at work. My children don't feel close to their GP and moan if they stay overnight without us (rare lol!) - after Covid lockdown ended they've realised they want more contact! My MIL said to me that she hears the neighbours grandchildren playing in their garden and feel sad it's not in their garden with their GC ... we take them over once every few months, sometimes more often, and they come here sometimes, but we've just got on with our lives ourselves to be honest.
Don't rely on them, they've decided what they want, you need to enjoy your own life and your child's life too

Get therapy now while you are still pregnant, it will make the months after the birth easier.

I feel so sorry for you reading that! How your parents treated you is so shocking! I would never leave my kids like that and my parents would never have done this to me. You deserve so much better. Going forward, I would not bother putting myself out to visit such cold hearted selfish people. Focus on your own little family now. Good luck OP.

Could you have moved to join them when you graduated? Was there any long term plans for you to join them or did they think since you'd be classed as an adult shortly at 18 it was up to you to make your own way in the world?
I don't see the point in cutting them off - you barely see them anyway? It wouldn't have any effect

What they did was awful, OP

@Lonelylooloo That is a very insensitive post.

@Sa09aez You have done an amazing job of looking after yourself. My rather practical suggestion would be to look for people that can help you after your baby is born. Cleaner/childminder who looks after young babies so that you have people that can support you when you may need to have practical support. If you are used to doing everything you may not be good at arranging this kind of support.